Sorry for trying to start a new post, I was just trying to keep the advice and momentum going for some answers for myself. I'm glad there has been more traffic on this thread since.
Well, unfortunately more bad news.
My wife wanted to come by the house last night to pick up some mail that has still been coming for her. I was thrilled that she initially reached out to me and that she asked to come over. She also agreed to hang out for a little bit. I was so nervous and excited at the same time.
So she comes over. It was amazing just seeing her. Her beautiful face and smile, just the glow from her and everything, it made my heart so warm to just be in the same room as her again.
We were able to talk and chit chat and it was all so positive, loving and happy. Our dog was giving her kisses and wagging her tail that she was at the house. For a brief moment it was nice to pretend we were all together there as the family like old times.
Mostly organically we came to talking about us and the relationship. It was like the elephant in the room, and was almost impossible not to bring up.
It was very peaceful and loving but it got emotional. We both were crying.
I was expressing feelings and wants of my continual and unconditional love for her and that I still completely want us to work out and her back. I asked if there was anything that would make her consider trying to work on us.
Unfortunately she just kept saying that she feels she is on the right path. That she is so full of sorrow and guilt for hurting me, she said this to me, but she feels that we can't work it out and that basically she doesn't see us together in life like I do. She said that she hasn't been in love with me for some time and that we were in a rut.
Idk why it wouldn't be worth working through for her. I just don't understand it in the slightest. Not at all. She said that we were meant to have our time together in life. But, I was just thinking and said, then why aren't we now?!?! Why is it not worth it!?!? Why can't we work out of the rut and fall in love with each other again. The rut is not what the relationship would be doomed to be in forever. Relationships take work. Sickness and health, good and bad. We said those vows to each other. She acknowledged that we didn't handle or fully bring attention to our real problems when they were happening in the past, and that we both handled it wrong. And I said to her, why can't we try now, together, for once? She just said my name and asked me to stop.
Then came the huge blow. I told her I was so nervous to ask this, but I wanted to know if she is seeing someone. She told me she is
She could hardly look at me. Tears started pouring out of me. She was welling up too. I asked if this guy knew that we were married. She said he did, but that her and I are separated so..... She is justifying it in her mind that it's ok that she is seeing someone since we are not living together. We are still married. We are still husband and wife. It is an affair and it is cheating. I told her that this guy is a scumbag and that no real man would do this. I got to a dark place and told her the anger part of me wants to hurt this guy, but I assured her those were just angry, reactionary and emotional thoughts. I assured her I won't do anything stupid. She said that she knows that, and that is another part of why this is so hard, that she knows I'm "such a great guy" and so loving and whatnot and not the kind of person that would get mad or mean, but that I still love through learning this.
She said that she started "seeing" him after she moved out. That he is a guy from work, and that he is not the reason that she wants our marriage to be over. Hard to think that her seeing and being with him isn't helping pull her away from me though...
Part of me wants to at least confront this guy and let him see me, that I am here and I am real and that he is helping to destroy two lives and a marriage. I wouldn't, or at least think I wouldn't, try to hurt him or be malicious. I just want him to know he is a coward and a shell of a person. I want him to see my face and hear my words. I want to let him know how disgusting he is.
I now understand how people just get made at the other person and not their partner in these situations. I was always one of those people that said and thought, cheating is grounds for the relationship being over and is unacceptable. Now being in the situation, I only have love and desire for my wife still. It doesn't matter at all to me that she is engaging in this, I still only have love for her and want her back.
I wish I could turn off my feelings, I wish I could just be "ok" with all of this and move on. I feel like hell. I feel like dying. I can't breathe and I can't think. I woke up this morning in a panic. I feel like nowhere is safe or comforting. I know things will be "ok" over time. But what if they aren't? What if this does end for good and that I will be haunted by her for the rest of my life?
I told her and felt completely genuine about this when I said it, that I don't care that she is seeing someone else or anything else, but that I still completely love her and want her back.
I wanted to know more about this situation, but it was hard for her to look at me or talk about it. I respected that and tried to let it be after speaking on it for a couple minutes.
She came and sat next to me and we held each other and cried for a few minutes. It was so amazing just to embrace her, feel her, smell her hair. We each kissed each other or the cheek and it took my breath away. She kept telling me that it is going to be ok and that she is sorry.
I didn't want to let her go. She said she should leave. More tears started coming out. She got up and we hugged a couple more times. We grabbed each others hands and they slipped away from each other and she walked out the door.
We waved goodbye as she drove away.
I felt crushed.
I just feel like those divorce papers and going to come next month. She didn't bring it up when we talked though. But I feel that she is committing to her path.
Idk what to do. I guess I know very clearly how she is feeling what she is saying she wants. Which is not what I want. Maybe I need to start accepting this and start moving on and start completely working on myself. It's hard to accept that and start doing that and thinking that I am not giving up on her. I know if it came to a time down the road and she said that she still loves me and wants me back that I would completely take her back without hesitation. I know I can't count on that though or spend my life hoping.
What should I do everyone? I feel so horrible and alone. How do I start letting go but at the same time still love her while wanting to start to save our marriage? Can you let go and still try to save a marriage at the same time?
