Introduction - least creative title

[Mozza]

Cloer2,

Welcome to the boards. I'm sorry you had to find them, but given your situation, it's likely to be one of the best thing you've done.

That was the good news. I'm afraid the rest will be bad news, but it's because you need to start from a realistic standpoint and see the way out of it.

First and foremost, you're right when you say that you are only at the beginning of a long process that will take months and maybe years. The issues you describe in the M, with mutual detachment and pressure for sex, cannot be resolved within a couple of weeks. Also, the attraction to the OM is like a drug and junkies don't get off of it easily. As Cadet says, you now have the gift of time. Be patient. Really patient.

One of your first task is to look inwards at what you've done wrong. I don't see much of it in your first post. You say you begged for sex, but you blame your W for not being more interested. If she wasn't interested in sex with you, there were deeper issues. You say you were a resentful a-hole, but you don't say how. Perhaps your W gave you some clues in her ILYBINILWY speech, perhaps since then. If you were emailing each other much, look for clues there with key words such as "pain", "hurt" etc.

Consider finding an IC. I'm no therapist myself, but I do see a lot of deep issues in your initial message. Just the self-deprecating title, which is a theme that runs through your post, suggests that you may have self-esteem or "people pleasing" tendencies. The book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" is often recommended around here, though I haven't finished it myself.

Another very difficult question you have to ask yourself is whether you really want to save your M. Sure, the answer is obvious to you right now because you feel it. And you'll get the support of this community if that's what you want. But you describe yourself being an a-hole and being detached. You have to dig deep to understand why you were like this and whether this is really the W who can make you happy. This might be easier to sort out in a few months, when the initial panic wears off, but it's important. Vets have seen many people fight for months and then turn around when the WAW wants to come back. They wanted to win or they had idealized their WAW.

As for the PA with the OM, prepare yourself for the worst. It's a common pattern here that people say nothing happened, yet are crushed a few weeks or months later when they discover the truth. You say that the logistics get in the way, but people in love figure out the logistics pretty quickly, even if their respective beds are not available.

I'm not a vet, just a newbie like you, some 4-5 months ahead of you. Listen to vets like sandi2, 25yearsmlc, MrBond, Starsky309, Cadet, Wonka, LITB, Train, etc. They've succeeded at DB and are now sharing their insights. They have slightly different takes on DB, so be prepared to apply your own judgement to the conflicting advice you might get at times.

Some tips for these Boards.

- Create your signature under your profile. Look at mine for an example.
- Read the book The Divorce Remedy (DR). People will be reluctant to give you advice if you haven't done so. Plus, it's really the source of the philosophy around here.
- Don't be too cryptic, even if you're uneasy with certain topics. Sex is referred here as sex, ML (making love) or intimacy. Tens of people read you so you want to reduce the risk of misinterpretation.
- Read around to find people like you. Some are in a in-house separation like you, some have a stay-at-home W, some have a "friendly D" (like me), someone's WAW might be like yours, some LBS might be like you, etc.
- Comment on other people's posts, offering at least your support initially. Respond to people who com,ent on your thread.
- Don't become one of these people who do the opposite of DB in real life, then come to the Boards to confess, hoping it somehow cancels out. DB for real.
- Don't spend too much time on these Boards. Your sitch won't be resolved here, it will be resolved in real life. Find the balance where you get the advice you need and give back, but don't become obsessed or somehow imagine that spending all your time here means you're working on the M.

Fasten your seat belt.