Feeling lost.

[jessm15]

Well I guess I will start at the beginning and try and keep this as short as possible.
My ex and I have been together for nearly 10 years (engaged for 2) he was 17 and I was 19 when we started dating. We are each other's first serious relationship.
In 2011 I became pregnant with our first child, a girl (now age 3) during the pregnancy I found out he was having a PA with Someone from his workplace. We were separated for 2 months and he came home after lots of effort to "win" me back and to rebuild the trust. He has always said he was disgusted with his actions and he will "never forgive himself" States that reason for the PA is because he felt I had "forgot" about him as everything was about the pregnancy for me and he was getting no attention or affection.

Now, fast forward 3 years and we have another child and he has since proposed. 2 months ago after a small fight I said so what's going on you feel distant. He replied that he "wanted space" he stayed at his parents for a few days and initially said he wanted to work on things he had 3 suggestions; 1- couples counselling 2-I talk to a dr about getting sleeping tablets as he thinks my troubles sleeping contribute to us nit-picking at each other 3; he talks to dr about decreased sex drive due to anxiety meds.

So we went to one counselling session to which he revealed that he resents me for our children and that he can't go and do whatever he wants whenever he wants. That he has no money to buy a boat/jet ski whatever it may be, like his single friends at work can do. Says that "the love isnt there and hasn't been for 6 months" after this he refuses to do any more counselling as he thinks it's pointless. I take my engagement ring off when he tells me he no longer wants to get married.

He decides to go interstate with his father for 12 days (father was going there on business) to "clear his head" we speak sporadically over those 12 days, he says he doesn't miss me and enjoys not being stressed out. He gets back and says that we are over, that he doesn't love me and it's too far gone. He comes and goes over the next couple of weeks then Christmas day we spend together at his parents. Since Christmas he has been home everyday and sleeping in our bed. Things have been "normal" as far as our routine goes with cooking,bills,kids etc even being intimate.
Last week I saw on his snap chat that one of his "best friends" was a women's username and we had a massive fight about this as it turns out he was on an online dating site talking to a few people. To which he thinks he's done nothing wrong as we "aren't together" he's also deleted me from his facebook.

We've had a family holiday booked for feb for 6 months now and during this fight he said "I can't wait til this holidays over so I can get away from you. I don't love you, I don't want to be with you, I want to see the house"

Even when he has said that he doesn't love me, I always felt like he still did but now as more time passes I'm started to think he honestly doesn't.

He is a police officer now, only on the job for 1 year. He says the saying is "join the force get a divorce" as if abandoning his family can be justified like that.. He does work long hours and a lot of nights, some days i only see him for half an hour.

I'm at a loss as to what to do. I've been reading these forums for a few weeks now and the stories and advice have been a great help to me. I thought It was time I asked for advice on my particular situation.

Seeing as we are still living together and sharing a bed do I start the LRT?

Should I ask what's happening with us and if he loves me or avoid these topics altogether?

We have our one week family holiday coming up on feb 8th, should I go?

I'm struggling every day and feel like my life is falling apart. I didn't see this coming at all. Thank you for reading and I appreciate any/all advice. Thankyou.