Life 2.0 Pt 4

[NH115]

Rzr,

My apologies for jumping in after taking a break from your thread and acting like I have something to say; forgive me if I'm off-base on anything. But I've read the past couple pages, and a couple things came to mind:

No worries, Train. I appreciate it any time someone jumps in on my thread...even with a 2x4

1. When it comes to EN, unfortunately the man is often saddled with the "starting point." This is explained in HNHN quite well. Most women need intimate conversation and affection. Most men need sex and admiration. In a lot of cases - including in mine with H - he would want admiration and sex. But I wasn't feeling "attracted" enough to him to pull that off because he wasn't meeting MY needs; he had stopped taking an interest in what I did or how I was feeling. He had stopped buying me flowers. He rolled his eyes when I would talk about my day (granted, I was whining a lot). You know the drill. And because he wasn't meeting my needs, I didn't want to have sex with him. And I certainly didn't admire him. I could (and did) force myself, once in a while, to have sex with him, but it wasn't mutually satisfactory. So then he wasn't completely satisfied. (In other words, I wasn't meeting his needs, either, to inspire him to actually give a crap that he wasn't meeting mine.) Vicious cycle, which sandi detailed beautifully in one of her posts about the LBS taking responsibility for creating a sh!tty marital environment that makes an A not only a possibility but a PROBABILITY.

You've described our marriage that led up to this point very nicely. I was detached too much. I spent too much time absorbed in my own issues and general "busy-ness". I did have times where I made her feel like she was putting me out when she wanted my help with something or even some attention. I had an eye-rolling problem too. I own all that completely. There were specific issues she's working through right now, like my toxic parents, but I can't help but wonder if when the onion layers are peeled back, if I just made her feel like an albatross one too many times.

I see my blindness, self-absorption and immaturity now. I've said all these things to her before. I can't tell if it makes any difference. And that's my greatest fear. That I could move heaven and earth to honestly address the things I did wrong in my marriage, and it won't make a difference.

The thing about women is this: We're complicated. I'd argue we are far more complicated than men, actually. But if you put forth the effort to communicate intimately and to show affection - even just to listen without seeming annoyed or without trying to fix everything or at least without being snarky or judgmental ... or seemingly BORED - we are FAR more willing to meet your EN, including jumping in the sack and participating - even enthusiastically - in what will meet YOUR needs.

Bottom line: It's tough for us to meet your needs if you're not meeting ours first. So the onus usually falls on the man to move FIRST. That might seem unfair. But it's just the truth from how I, and many others, see it. Does that make sense or apply at all in your situation?

sandi said it perfectly a couple posts ago: She wants to know she's made the right choice. So act like the right choice!

This takes A LOT of courage and faith and forgiveness on your part. I've been there, Rzr. I'm STILL there. But day by day, I've been able to shed the thoughts of OW. It's been 9 months for me - and that's with my H trying his heart out - so be sure to have patience with yourself.

I think you'll get your answers one day if you want them. I don't think the time is right now.

2. Are you guys going on dates or spending any time together outside of the house? H and I, when he came back, agreed to one set-in-stone night a week - Saturdays - for date night. (I even told my older daughters that if they both made plans that night, they'd have to find the babysitter for the younger two and foot the bill. THAT is how dedicated H and I were to making this a standing priority, and it also resulted in my older two negotiating and compromising on nights-out for themselves - lol.) If we're pinching pennies, we are on the back patio, by a fire with beers. And we schedule "A-free" nights when mentioning the A - or anything about it - is absolutely off-limits. We just kick back and enjoy each others' company. It was awkward at first. But nine months later, they're very natural. Those dates have literally saved our M. They've reminded us why we fell in love. And they KEEP us in love. (But, again, they didn't start out that way when H was first home and I was still consumed with thoughts of the A and OW.)

3. You can't just decide to let go of your hatred for OM. Just keep that hatred from spewing out of your mouth. It also doesn't sound like you and your W are in the place to freely discuss him or her A without one of you losing your cool. Do you feel like you need answers about OM and the A? If so, re-read 1. and 2. above (and all the incredible advice sandi has given you). Before long - and once some deposits have been made in the ol' Love Banks and trust has been earned back little pieces - and large chunks - at a time, I'd bet your W will be open to discuss things with you openly and honestly, and then you can get your answers if you need them.

But you're right to make it one of your goals to drop the references to OM right now. Vanilla said it best: This kind of hate and anger seems to emanate from fear. If you address the fears about OM and reframe it then the hate will dissipate. Either that or as a tactic making OM insignificant to you. OM is insignificant and irrelevant, they are a symptom not a cause.

Also: Every time you mention OM, you're putting him in your W's brain again. Cut that out, mmkay?

Thanks again, Train. you jumped in at the right time. Sometimes our date nights are just running errands (budget's tight at the moment), but we do make sure that we spend at least one evening a week together and away from the kids. Unfortunately when we do that we often seem to end up parked somewhere with her telling me how miserable she is (and my role in that) and me defending myself. I will say that one date we had recently (dinner and then a photo scavenger hunt) went very well.

My W has been extremely forthcoming about everything that has happened; both her feelings about our marriage and the A. The A was predominately emotional, with a little physical, but did not end in sex. I have several reasons why I believe that is true that I won't go into here.

I don't think that Om is the major factor in her life that he once was. I guess it's time I stop making him a major factor in mine.