Continuing DBing...

[PeterV2]

I realize I can't let her feelings affect me. She may say things to blame me for past ills or bring up past transgressions to justify her present coolness.

Those are her current feelings and are valid for her. No sense me arguing my reasoning for past ills. I won't argue. I'll just acknowledge her feelings.

And furthermore, just because she's expressing her feelings does not mean it's about me. It's about her, and her reactions to her own thoughts. It's not about me. So therefore I should not take her expression of those feelings personally.

When I used to take them personally, I would get into a sparring match about justifying what I used to do, or explaining where I was at in my mind in those days. Totally counterproductive and useless in moving forward. We'd just go around the same old circle again and again.

So I've decided not to take any of her blaming personally. It's just her expressing her reactions to her own thoughts. I'll just listen and validate the fact that her feelings must be tough to deal with on a daily basis.

I'll just listen and stop arguing. I won't get defensive and I'll let her vent - that's what she needs and I'll be there to meet those needs. I'll be a compassionate and empathetic listener. I won't try to fix it. I won't defend past actions. I cannot change the past. I can only change how I react to the situations that arise today in this moment.