AJ, your post let me breathe a sigh of relief. You get it, and I appreciate it. And, one of the things that sticks out to me is this:
Quote:
He made his choices. He divorced you. End of conversation. Or at least, it should have been right? But in this case, he's as confused as ever. You're not. You're just going through the process (faster) again. This time it'll be better for you.
This sounds really stupid, but I do forget that he divorced me. I am not sure why, other than I have not truly grasped what has gone down the last year. That I knew it was wrong? That I knew he'd regret his actions? I am not sure what. But, I still feel like when he is with her, it is my husband with her, and that is what makes me crazy! OMG.... I have to realize he did divorce me. Regrets or no regrets. He isn't my husband. Typing that is so weird. I just don't feel that. I remember typing "xh" here for the first time. I remember hesitating. But, I did it to keep from confusing anyone. And, I don't think that I verbally acknowledge him as "ex" husband.
I have to accept this. After all, the marriage that we once had, will cease to exist forever. Sad. But true.
Maybe this is a reason for my difficulty dealing with everything. Why I just can't understand this as my reality. But, I'm coming around. Again. Slowly but surely.
I have set my boundaries. I have to make sure I use them. Job, you are so right on about me being a fixer. Yes, I did an awesome job last year with this. When I dropped the rope, I let it all go. Let him to figure it out.
Now, in my presence, I tend to be "helpful." I think I am just nice, by nature, but today for example, he stopped, and I offered him dinner. I need to stop doing that. He didn't have any, as he was going to work out. But, I just need to stop doing that- totally.
I have not looked out the window to see where he is. This week has been the best, overall, as far as re-detaching. I had a really productive day, but I still feel it physically. My chest and stomach are constantly heavy and in knots. No matter what. I did call the new ic today to make an appointment, but I can't get in until March.
Xh is still pretty confused. He stopped tonight to drop something off. I asked which days he wanted to see the kids. He understands my boundaries and is respecting them, but cant commit to a specific time. I know it is difficult for him bc of living arrangement and his own limbo and figuring things out. He just cant commit to anything right now. He said he'd text me. I said, I wasn't going to do that on a daily basis. But, my kids are older, so it's not like they are little kids on a schedule. It is really for me. I told him I have plans Thursday night and he could come to the house and make dinner with the kids or something. He said that was cool.
He had to drop something else off after working out (he picked something up for me), but was in a rush. I know where he was going. Trust me, it's not mind-reading. I'm not mad about it. It is a reality I have to come to grips with. It is just sad to me, I guess. Difficult. But it is what it is... and there is nothing I can to about it. It would be upsetting to me no matter where I was in the world or he was in the world. It's just hard for me. But I am getting better. I don't really put too much into it. I try to stay in my lane.
Outside of not being able to make any real decisions, I noticed something else today. It's going to sound really messed up, but there is a reason for it. He was in a really good mood and it made me uneasy. It was an all too familiar happiness...
Last year, I couldn't wait for winter to be over. Xh always seemed to get a sort of winter blues. He was very depressed last winter, right after he moved out. I was hoping spring would come and he would come back! Well, I remember him stopping by (he did all the time at this time) at the beginning of April, and he was in the best mood. But it wasn't because he was at my house. It just so happens, that was right around hww conceived. So, must have been, you know, excited about the r (they were on/off all winter- he says bc he was thinking of us and would withdrawal...).
Today, he acted just like that time period. Yikes! It's not that I don't want him happy, but it was very reminiscent.
But, I'm not going to put any more energy into it. Just an observation. I'm staying focused on me and the kids. I don't ignore him, and his behavior around me. I just kind of see where he is and move about my business.
I'm getting there... one small step at a time.
And AJ, you are right on about my kids, too. I am looking forward to doing some fun things with them soon. D13 is being inducted tomorrow to National Jr. Honor's Society. S17 is doing so well and I am so happy to have him back.
Train and AJ, I'm sorry you had to live so close while trying to detach. It just add another bit of excitement into this, right?
