Happiness Can Exist Only In Acceptance

[HPoirot]

Hello Karma, Toots, and Vanilla. I did end up texting "I miss you too" to my XW. That's fine but I did allow a tiny bit of expectation. That's no good.

Later she called me about our taxes. She said she cried on the phone with the agent. She gets very anxious about our taxes. I used to take care of that for us without really telling her what was going on. That was wrong of me and another part of our issues. Now that we're here... she has to call on her own.

We talked about the taxes. But we both talked tenderly... wistfully I think the word is. At the end, she asked if there was anything else. I was tempted to talk about missing each other. Instead, I just said "No." We said bye.

Then, she called S12. He was in a down mood as he gets when his ADHD medicine fades. He complained to her about having a headache. She called me and I got a little irritated with her questioning me about why he has a headache. She started saying she knows I'm taking the "burden" of caring for S12. I cut her off as gently as I could. I said we're OK... is there anything else. She said "No but..." I said "OK talk to you later" as gently as I could. I basically hung up on her before she could say anything else.

Later... I texted her "How are you W?"

"I'm OK. And you? S12?" she replied.

We traded some texts. I asked if she was good for heat and power in the storm. She asked if we had food.

I texted... "I know you can take care of yourself. I shouldn't have asked."

"It was nice of you. I appreciate it," she replied.

I left it there.

So it was a strange day. This morning, before all that, I put my wedding ring back on. Just for me... I was feeling to have faith my M would work out for the best. Maybe too much Joel Osteen.

I see how even the smallest amount of expectation can mess with your head. Her saying she missed me did get to me. "I'm right here," I wanted to say. "You don't have to miss me. Just come home."

But what she meant and what I wanted her to mean are different and will be different.

I would like to ask her what she's doing now. Tell her our TV show is about to start new episodes. Let her know she's welcome in the condo if she has a problem in the storm.

I want to reach out to her.

She can say she's thinks of me and she misses me. I can't respond to any of that. I have to let all that go. Every time.

It means nothing. Just messes with my head.