wife during deployment EA/PA another service membe

[Train]

broken,

I'm going to shoot real straight with you, right out of the gate, because I can tell - by the way you handled this right from the jump - that you're strong and a fighter. That's good. You're going to need those qualities - BIG time.

I instantly did the wrong thing. I made demands that she stop talking to this man all together and only see him at work and acro.
Okay, careful what you see as being "wrong" and "right" right now. I like your INTENT in the "demand," but the delivery was all wrong. Understand there's a difference between being controlling and setting boundaries to protect YOURSELF. You SHOULD be convicted and decisive with your W right now. But instead of saying, "stop talking to him" - because you can't control that - you could say, "I will not live in an open M. And until you have ended all contact with OM, I will x, y and z. If you continue speaking to him, I will x, y and z." Does that make sense, broken?

You may feel right now, since it sounds like you two are S, that you won't need to create boundaries. But you probably will, so keep that in your back pocket.

And there is problem #2 for me i spied on her emails and texts.
I don't see this as a problem. Your W was lying to your face. You were looking for confirmation/proof of an A. You found it. But NOW you can stop. There's nothing you can snoop for that's going to do you a bit of good. It will only hurt you from this point forward, as long as W is in an active A that you have exposed and addressed with her.

During this time she admitted to me to sleeping with him in september.
I'm thankful you have this knowledge, because those of us who have been around here for a long time knew her A was physical by about, oh, your third sentence. She used all the standard "script." Dead giveaways.

She Said she needed space to fix herself and find herself.
Script for a WAW.

she asked if we could at least keep the lines of communication open and be cordial.
Script. This would make her feel better about herself and her actions. If you decide to be her "friend" even while she's disrespecting you to your face, it will soothe HER while YOU suffer.

I'm just trying to take care of myslef and try and find a way to be happy again.
Again, script. Are you seeing it?

And she said baby why didn't you listen to me about deployment. I needed you here and I wish you never would have gone. Then she said how can we ever get back what we had.
Script. And deflecting blame to make YOU feel at fault for her indiscretions. Don't buy it, broken. Not even for a second.

broken, you came out of the gate, swinging, as soon as you uncovered the A. And then it seems you lost steam when it appeared your W wasn't going to put an end to it right away. You slowly started losing your resolve and kept giving your W chance after chance after chance to change her mind.

I don't fault you for that. We've all been there. But especially for a man, if you start to act as though you're okay with an A - if you start acting like you are okay being strung along while your W cheats on you right in front of your face - she's going to lose respect for you ... and fast.

I read a lot of posts here, broken. But I don't often sense "strength and honor" coming off of men's posts when they first land here. That usually comes far later. There's something about your post that makes me realize you are head and shoulders above OM. (And not just because he's an a$shat that clearly doesn't have a moral compass because he's sleeping with another man's W.) It's going to be hard to watch your W carry on with OM. But a woman is attracted to a man who is confident and strong and decisive. I think you have those qualities. The trick is to not become a doormat, thinking it will draw your W back. A doormat isn't attractive.

Right now, your job is to GAL so you can start feeling better about YOU. Be upbeat and positive when you know you may see W. Always look your best so that you FEEL your best. Work out. Hang with the guys. Do fun, adventurous things. Act as if you are moving on with your life, regardless of what your W chooses to do with HER life. (Have you read sandi's rules here on the boards? They're gold.)

Acting upbeat and confident when you're the lowest you've likely ever felt is hard work, broken. But it's the ticket out of this hel1 you're in.

Starsky hangs out here a lot and gives the best advice for men. (I'm, for the record, not a man. Lol.) Anyway, Starsky hasn't been around for a bit because of a death in his family. But when he comes back, he'll have all kinds of amazing advice for you, including how to financially protect yourself while your W may be spending family money to carry on an A. (Which is NOT okay.) By the way, are you paying her bills - like her cell phone bill - while she's wayward? What's your financial arrangements with W?

A lot of what you'll be advised to do here feels completely counter-intuitive. It seems it'll push your W further away. As Starsky once told me, sometimes you have to take an immediate hit in the "nice" department for the greater good.

You just HAVE to trust the process, broken.

Keep posting here. You are likely on moderation, which means you will hit "submit" on your posts, but it'll take some time for them to post. That means you'll have to wait a while to correspond with people here in "real-time." The more you post, though, the quicker you'll come off of moderation. So keep talking to us, okay?

Also, the next time you post, you may want to consider adding paragraph breaks. That just makes it easier on the readers' eyes ... and more people will read your posts that way.