I can tell you this much, it will be whatever will benefit her the most. Don't believe for a second that she won't try to get what she thinks is her share to all the finances, property, etc. That is why you need to be smart and protect yourself.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Don't believe for a second that she won't try to get what she thinks is her share to all the finances, property, etc.
Well, all we have is cash we saved up for a home. Funny, it's in a savings account which is supposed to be joint, but I always put things off (one of the things the W said she can't stand about me) and never added my name to the account. She said she's okay with me keeping 75% of it and that I should open a separate account to which she'll transfer it. I've been putting it off (deliberately this time) in some foolish hope that it would serve as an anchor of sorts. We're also half way through a car lease in her name (she can't drive so I use it exclusively), but she hasn't said anything about it.
Me:31 W:31 D:6 T: 9/2001 M: 1/2009 W unhappy: 6/14 W moves to parents: 10/14 W wants D (angry): 12/14 W okay w/ S: 2/15 W wants D (calm): 2/15 W gets new job/place: 3/15 W admits PA, suggests MC: 8/15
Now she has reversed her decision and wants to split it down the middle, insisting it's very fair (even before I said anything to the contrary). Her original idea was for me to buy a place closer to my job and that she would rent close to her folks. I was going to use those funds and buy a 2-bedroom not far from where I am now so our daughter would have a nice room of her own, but now the W is insisting we can both just buy 1-bedrooms and leave it at that. As it turns out, that's is a financially impossible reality because the price diff is small, and even if it were possible, our daughter wouldn't have her own room. Feels like my only choice is to just leave most of the money to the W and rent some crappy place myself...at least our daughter wins.
It's funny how her nervous tics keep showing through whenever she makes demands and threats, and especially when I don't immediately jump on board. Originally she threatens to go to lawyers, but when I say I need to consult with one, goes the other direction and says it's too expensive and that the money could be put to better use. Now she's pushing me and asking if I've thought about her 50/50 proposal. She hasn't done any research into the housing market, doesn't have a full-time job, hasn't talked to a loan officer. I know WAWs are supposed to have thought everything through long before leaving, but this is seriously starting to look like a Mickey Mouse operation. I thought I was the irresponsible one who never thought about logistics or planned anything. The worst part is I know she's blaming me for everything that goes wrong *after* she got out.
Me:31 W:31 D:6 T: 9/2001 M: 1/2009 W unhappy: 6/14 W moves to parents: 10/14 W wants D (angry): 12/14 W okay w/ S: 2/15 W wants D (calm): 2/15 W gets new job/place: 3/15 W admits PA, suggests MC: 8/15
So,that is what your WAW wants. What do YOU want? Stand up for yourself and the place you want to get. If D5 will spending nights with you, then get a two bedroom place. Your WAW should not dictate what you can do after she leaves the M.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
There is a lot of underlying work to do. The past is the past and will not be changed and eclipse that is both an excellent thing and a difficult thing.
Thank you for being honest, some board members are unhappily closed and that limits the advice they are given. If you read any of my sitch you will understand that I am an abused W. And I nearly walked away from my M, and I would point out to you that I am not in any way wayward, so I talk from an abused W standpoint only. I understand the abuse W view (or any abused party W or H) and as a result of the abuse then flashbacks and curl ups occur. In order to protect what is left of our self esteem we need to find ourselves again.
This is going to take a lot of time and patience on your behalf. You may have to wisely be over generous and caring when this does not come naturally. W will need to find and identify her boundaries to stop herself from flashing and protecting. She has to travel this journey herself first before W can contemplate a R with the H and sitch she wishes to escape. I understand that desire so well the want to be free to learn strength for yourself. when I first visited this board I was abused and weak, unhappy and a screaming banshee. Before any R then I will need to be strong, for I have been very confused. I loved but that love was used and worn down.
There is a lot of work that you will have to do on eclipse and generally you will need to atone for the past harms done. Making amends and growing for your own sake to become a better dad and eclipse are paramount. Abuse damages the abuser, that should never be under stated. The journey for those seriously abused is hard but for the abuser much harder as they also carry guilt. Changes needed must be more than superficial and for your own sake enduring. DB is a good place to start and you will get plenty of encouragements and 4x4s here.
Mza is a good guide as to the accomplishment of a man who has changed his life, a man who has grown and grown with DB. Over the months a wonderful young man with great resolve and spirit has emerged from a crisyls. I recommend you read his threads and take his guidance fully to heart. There is no better.
In the meanwhile explore Sandi guidelines for yourself.
This is going to take a lot of time and patience on your behalf. You may have to wisely be over generous and caring when this does not come naturally. W will need to find and identify her boundaries to stop herself from flashing and protecting. She has to travel this journey herself first before W can contemplate a R with the H and sitch she wishes to escape. I understand that desire so well the want to be free to learn strength for yourself. when I first visited this board I was abused and weak, unhappy and a screaming banshee. Before any R then I will need to be strong, for I have been very confused. I loved but that love was used and worn down.
A little bit of background may be in order. My W is a very soft, gentle person. She is shy and socially anxious. This has been a life-long issue for her and she always felt a lack of confidence because of this (so many self-help books on this topic in our bookshelf). Right now, at least around me, I can see she is really trying to change her demeanor and project assertiveness, but she is failing horribly at it. Of course it's not particularly her fault since I have a 15 year advantage and know all her tells, but I'm also the worst person to train on because when cornered have a tendency to sacrifice my own well-being just to get at others (observe self-harm reference in my first post). So she wants things and tries to push for them, but I can't just give her whatever she comes up with either and always have to be vigilant about not going into kamikaze mode again. It's such a delicate balancing act at the moment and every second of conversation feels like a lifetime.
Me:31 W:31 D:6 T: 9/2001 M: 1/2009 W unhappy: 6/14 W moves to parents: 10/14 W wants D (angry): 12/14 W okay w/ S: 2/15 W wants D (calm): 2/15 W gets new job/place: 3/15 W admits PA, suggests MC: 8/15
Let W deal with W. This is not your job. It is Ws, just as much as my new spine was my own. Just note to yourself that it is a good sign that she is doing this and let it be. Silently wish her every success and let her find her own guides and trainers. After all when a baby starts to learn to walk and it falls over, we do not say "this baby is poor at this, guess it will never walk so lets get a big baby carriage." We let the baby carry on trying. Not that I am saying W is a baby, it is a metaphor, a better analogy would have been more like a new cyclist who needs the training wheels before the stabilisers are removed. I am sure you get the image.
W needs her own opinion for herself. That is the point. Stop managing W and manage eclipse and the 'kamikazee'.
You deal with you, would suggest you have enough with your own growth. Let us here much more about you and how you will grow and change.
So what do you want to change about Eclipse?
What are your goals for you?
Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 01/27/1503:00 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Progress! Managed a two hour phone conversation. W has downgraded the request from divorce to separation and asked if I would give it to her if she goes to therapy for x period of time. Still threatening with the lawyers as an "alternative." Lots of the old statements about how I will change back eventually in two years, we're not right for each other, I am not really a family man and had to be forced, but much calmer and with much less bitter conviction this time. She asked if it makes sense to give her this time to see if whatever changes I make would actually stick in the long-term (perhaps the most reasonable thing I've heard so far). Also mentioned how she still wants another child but doesn't like the personality of our daughter (because that part comes from me) and that she would never want to live through the way I behaved while raising her. However, at the very core of it all, and in her own words, she says she "[doesn't] feel that [she] can trust [me] and that [she] opened her heart so many times before and [I] stomped on it." She claims she needs time to recover, but says she will most likely want to date other people during that time and that I should at least try doing the same. But I can't, for course, and if she does it seems it wouldn't increase the chances of stitching the family back together. I've left her alone completely as of late, seems to be working out for everyone. Dunno...maybe more time is needed yet.
Last edited by eclipse; 02/02/1505:36 PM.
Me:31 W:31 D:6 T: 9/2001 M: 1/2009 W unhappy: 6/14 W moves to parents: 10/14 W wants D (angry): 12/14 W okay w/ S: 2/15 W wants D (calm): 2/15 W gets new job/place: 3/15 W admits PA, suggests MC: 8/15
Um, she says she doesn't like the personality of her daughter? That is just wrong. Find a way to document that, and you'll definitely get full custody.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Just a thought...why does getting herself together involve dating? Perhaps she is already interested in someone or has perhaps taken actions in that regard that you are not aware of.
Still you should continue to reflect on YOU and continue any GAL and self improvement activities that you can do. You can't control W and you shouldn't try. Make your life and your child's life the best it can be given today's reality. Make sense...?
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
