Life 2.0 Pt 4

[sandi2]

Do you mean to tell me this is the first day (so far) that you have not brought up OM to your W? What is wrong with you? Do you want her to move forward, or not? The more you talk about OM, the worse you are making it for both you and W.

Yes, your ego is the problem here. You want to attack someone, and being a man, you want to strike out at the guy who tried to get your woman. Well, OM is gone and apparently had no interest in starting things back up with your W. So, let it go before you have nobody but yourself to blame when she decides she's had enough. Seriously, I cannot stress enough how much damage you are doing by referring to this guy everyday. Just as you are sick & tired of her blaming you for the A, she's just as fed up with your attack mode of OM. It is a merry-go-round defense that nobody wins.

Just maybe, if you would STFU about OM, she would ease off blaming you for some things. It puts both of you on the defense when this stuff happens. You can see it doesn't work, so you need to stop.

A lot of her rhetoric right now consists of blaming me for the state of our marriage, and even the A to a certain extent. My knee-jerk reaction is to defend myself, which makes me sound, well, needy. And angry.

It should not be a knee-jerk reaction after all this time of having the same R talks. You should know what she's going to do, and you need to respond differently.

I completely (when not in the heat of battle) see where she's coming from. I know, and have never denied, that I helped get our marriage to this vulnerable state. I just draw the line at taking responsibility for the A itself.

Okay then, when she throws blame at your feet, instead of getting angry and blowing up.....tell her it really makes you upset that she feels that way. Tell her that neither of you can go back and undo the things either of you did to get this point. You are sorry for everything you did that made her feel she had to turn to someone other than you. Then ask her what you can do to help both of you heal and get on with making your new MR better.

Whether you want to admit it or not, she turned to OM b/c she wasn't getting what she needed in her MR with you. Did you force her to meet with him and let things go as far as they did? Not at all. But she feels you are to blame for the conditions that made her vulnerable to having an A. What you don't seem to get (with your anger directed toward OM) is that she was vulnerable to any man who said or did just the right thing to fill her EN. B/c her H wasn't doing it. Now that is what you need to face and to admit.

What about men who have sex outside the M b/c their W cut them off and they weren't getting it at home. Their needs were not met and it left them in a vulnerable condition. Is that an excuse for him to go scr@w around outside of the M? I suppose that could be a topic of debate. Does the W need to take part of the responsibility? Well, she probably wouldn't think so. But the question is if she isn't doing her part to fulfill his physical/emotional needs in their R.....then is she responsible for him having sex outside the M? She didn't put a gun to his head and tell him to get another woman. It's still wrong for him to have sex with OW. See what I mean?

Now this may not have been the best comparison to use (probably not) but I'm trying to hurry and it just quickly come to mind. We each are responsible for our actions, but we do affect one another. Nobody affects us like our S does. I am just saying that you can't be Mr. Self-righteous and say you didn't play a part, b/c she's saying you did affect her to the degree of turning to OM. Right or wrong, those are her feelings. You are trying to argue with her feelings.

I don't blame you for not being her scapegoat. She has to own what she did wrong. I am not saying you should relieve her of any responsibility.

This is where I get frustrated. I know that DB involves NOT getting into unproductive R talks. I don't want to ignore her; I want to engage with her, but without getting angry or defensive.

Start out by simply not defending yourself and see what happens when you just listen.

No, we both needed space to breathe! I want to give her space, but then if I leave her alone too much then I'm ignoring her, she feels disconnected from me, etc. All the usual things. I honestly can't figure out what it is she wants, and it can change several times in a day.

You need to find balance with the space giving. It sounds as if you go to extreme one way or the other. Do you know her love language? You really need to know it b/c that is how you will help her feel connected to you.....and she really wants to feel that now. Whether she has said it in words or not, that's what she means when she expresses her concerns about not having feelings. She wants to feel connected to you, and she's trying to tell you but she doesn't know how. Apparently, you don't how either. You can learn.