Retreat

[Underdog]

Mary,

I'm glad you took my commentary the way it was meant. (I pray that I write words that help, not hurt.)

I guess I am ready to do the work, but I am still struggling with the idea that I may not get the chance to do the work, that it may be too late.

Here's where I get to say you're wrong. In fact, I found I did my best work after the separation occurred. It gave me the time and space I needed to work on me. I figured I had a 50-50 shot at best anyway, so I did the work for myself. I was pretty sure my XH had some basis rooted in truth when he told me he hated me and was moving out. After the dust settled, I could devote my energy to changing how I felt. The only thing I knew is that I hadn't been happy in a really long time, and unlike my then H, I knew it was not his responsibility. It's really tough work, and the only way out is through. There are no shortcuts. So if you see one, understand the truth in advertising there. If there's a shortcut, it's just not going to work long term.

One of the things we did a lot on the weekend part of the program was accept feeling as neither wrong or right. That was a big game changer for me. It is liberating to just accept feelings, and also put my feelings out there without feeling like I have to justify them.

What a terrific exercise. It's really fun when you can catch yourself in the process. I discovered that a lot of my judging was knee jerk, and it was pretty much my mom's voice I heard. WTF? I now laugh at that voice and tell it, "Like you're the expert in that, right?"

I have been really reactive in my life, just trying to stay afloat.

Yep, that's a learned behavior I got from my family of origin as well. It's fine to operate that way when you're knee deep in a pile of poo poo and have to jump anywhere to get out of the miserable swamp. But the simple truth is that those incidents are few and far between. It's far more productive and reasonable to be responsive vs. reactive. I had to devote a lot of time in IC to this one myself. It was like teaching myself to become left handed... kind of painful and went against my core grain. I'm so happy I did it, though. I'm much happier for having done the work.

Surviving is fine - when you are facing life or death. But thriving is a far better goal when it's not one of those situations. So build your thrive plan. Hint: none of it should include other people. And that's how you focus on you and detach from outcomes.

Good luck!