Sorry I've been AWOL... I'm in the middle of some heavy personal commitments that have not only prevented me from posting, but working as well. I'm really playing catch up with everything today.
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It is a matter of respecting the other person's perspective, and even trying to understand why they see things a certain way.
LITB got this one dead on. I'll add to that. Respect is genuine when we don't judge them for feeling differently than we do. If you're like pretty much everyone else I know who hasn't done this work for a long time, there are non verbal communications that counteract the words: eye rolls, sighing, shoulder shrugs, etc. Be very careful of those as well.
Now back to the retreat follow up exercises. I'm feeling pressure from you and I don't live with you. You seem to want to fast track this and move your M into a "successfully reconciled" category before you really even played the game. Even if he were to commit to staying home and working with you, you realize that your work has truly just begun? This is a very heavy question, and I think it deserves an honest reflection.
A true sacramental marriage requires compromise and a whole lot of work. You trust the outcome to God and work on the issues that you bring to any marital discord.
Your relationship volatility is going to take a really long time to work through. At the very minimum, you're going to have to do some heavy lifting. Some of it will fall squarely--and often unfairly--on your shoulders. Why? Because you're the one who is attached to the outcome right now. You're going to have to undo a long time of reactive behaviors.
While you say patience is not your strong suit, I would say you owe it to your little one to learn it. I mean really learn it. What have you got to lose? I'm not slamming you on this, Mary. I'm a typical Aries girl. Pretty sure the first adjective to somewhat accurately describe our nature is Impatient.. then Headstrong. And I am neither of those any more. If I can do this work (like many others here), so can you. Do you journal? If so, can you add what you are feeling when you do things? That way, you can learn your triggers and build in preventative buttons to keep you from engaging in those reactive behaviors that push people away.
People in weight watchers do this... the journals include space to add in what the general mood was when food was eaten. It's designed to catch people in patterns such as overeating due to boredom or fear. Once we are really in tune with ourselves, we can unlearn those behaviors.
For me personally? I invoked a 24 hour rule. If my XH said or did anything that typically brought out a reactive behavior in me, I journaled it and then made a promise to sit on it for 24 hours. At the end of 24 hours, I could make a decision to confront or walk way. 90% of the time, that 24 hours brought clarity and I had the time to realize that he hit a button for me and I was just doing what I did best: react. The other 10%? Well, it also gave me clarity. I prayed (and still pray) before I have to address tough topics with my friends and family. The emotion is typically dialed down considerably, and I can speak calmly and rationally. I have really good success with this method.
And BTW, I'm the owner of a company. I use these same techniques with my employees. I believe they respect me for these types of interactions. I avoid the phrase "you make me.." and keep things to "when you said that, I felt X". Even my bull headed, stubborn XH was able to listen. We had 14 years of interactions that were unfair, wrong and giving our power away. It took 2 years of consistent work for me to understand why and completely eliminate those behaviors from my diet. It also worked VERY well in my parenting bag of tricks. The icing on that cake? I got to teach my D20 some really mature strategies as well. She doesn't have to unlearn a lifetime of the craziness.
So... slow this train down, baby. If you want to fix the underlying issues, time is your friend. Use it to build in those strategies and work on them consistently. It won't be long before you can look yourself in the mirror and say, "I'm a patient person." Nobody is born patient, Mary. Patience is a virtue... and virtues are rewards that we earn. God won't give you patience. But He WILL give you situations where you can master it. Consider this one your first real test with a high stakes outcome.
One last thing on detaching. You are definitely not even close. Being fully detached means that you accept the outcome. Period. Yours are conditional. I can promise you that he knows this. He's testing you, for sure. When in doubt, give him the power to make the decisions that you fear the most. SHOW him that you respect him for that. Then you can say that you're getting detached. It's healthy. It doesn't mean you don't care. It just means that you have to let go and trust God. Otherwise, faith is lip service.
Does this make any sense?
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
