mlc rut

[pbetra]

About mid-Jan (how things changed since Christmas).

Been thinking of stages since $$/employment lead failed to come through for h.
I am not being treated with the hostility I met with before - that has changed but some deceit is still there although reduced.

Stages
2014 - when this began almost a year ago (bd early march 2014) the 'call 2 the road' was intense as expected. Clubs & trendy bars with 'said buddy & co.' were frequent. Behaviour was that of a homonal, immature teenage boy.

Transitioning throughout 2014:
- a few months later & b 4 the end of the year - the tendency was to set off to quieter places with small groups to drink & drink & drink & smoke ... (these are just from bits of information pieced together) The glitzy environmets were no more & replaced with more 'hippie inspired', 'naturalist' ones .

2015 - a reversion (!) to some 'familiar' habits:
Trigger ->

• income issues (as always), &
  meeting up with the gang from that wonderful 2014 event that they all enjoyed, the event that made h. feel that he had no real life preceding the BD.

There is some renewed 'vigor' after meeting the gang again and also from the excitement & mood associated with it. He also met with a long lost buddy!!.

2014, 2015:
From the the nightclubs & trendy, sleek bars, to naturalist hippie experiences of 2014, 2015 is now about 'entertainment' places that are a bit more seedy! He doesn't 'act' like a teenager though, he seems reserved - on the surface.

H recently went out for the 1st time in a long time one weekend (his finances were also low & a contributing factor re: social life). H returned an hour b4 sunrise! (he had left to go out after I went to bed/fell asleep. I heard him return but pretended I did not). I waited until he changed into PJs etc & fell asleep, before I got up myself for a cuppa coffee.

Nite out
Later that morning, H came to find me not long after he woke up. Said good morning (as 'usual' etc), stretching ... There was superficial, shallow talk ... looking out window. Then after about 5+ minutes of this crap (he didn't look at me at first) ... He even looked away smiling b 4 looking at me to let me know that he went out. I could tell that there was some uneasiness as he did not mention this right away, hence all the supercial talk. "Unplanned, last minute" - "just went to hang out". He obviously felt compelled to say something (!!?) maybe b/c of associations with last year ? Dunno ... I never asked. Since i was asleep when he left, I pretended that I was asleep when he returned (made it easy for him).

I don't know if the smile was 'quiet cussing' at me, mockery, self consciousness, guilt ? ... or simply recalling something 'spicy' (!!) re that night ...

Continuing with comparisons/behaviour:
2015 Sooooo the deceit is still there (of course). Maybe the same 'level?' Maybe not -this is all relative to 'conditions.' For some reason, he felt compelled to say 'something' (??). h 'told me' without 'really telling me'though - it was shallow. ;0). Made it seem like a 'normal' boys night out but initial hesitation communicated what exactly?? In any event, my capacity for trust is severely worn down, so I don't believe anything. I just listen.

Comp. 2014 - almost a year ago he felt that he did not 'owe' me a (courtesy) explanation of any kind (as respect to spouse). If he did - I felt the MOCKERY, the lying - the 'stranger' in him, the disdain for me, all while he said whatever he wanted to. This went on without caring for my feelings, when he knew outright that I may have realized what he was doing, how hurtful it was, but he DID IT ANYWAY! So that's been different the last few months ... & now,
2015 He felt (?) he had to say something re his night out??? REALLY DON'T GET IT. Re: his new entertainment places of choice, he would not want me to know where he frequents anyway. He may even think he's doing 'well' (??) by letting me know where he's been ('owed me' explanation??) Puzzling! ... I don't have the energy to figure out, & not that interested ...

2014 - had substitute places to 'compensate' for not taking me out to usual places (as he had stopped taking me to the nicer restaurants, trendy bars etc - I suspect b/c he was 'reserving' those, seeking new OW).
This was typically in the beginning of the MLC roller coaster ride & some sporadic times thrown in between ...(b 4 finally shamelessly & blatently going out on his own as though single). However, h kept one foot in door by giving me the impression that he was still in R. He did this through what i thought of as compensation/substitution tactics

He exposed me only to 'sedate places'/experiences - eg 'lake', no nightlife or glamour (unlike the whole 'gamut' during our M) ... & also to similar people if that unavoidably came up.

The 'compensate/subsitute tactics' I viewed as his being a smart -'donkey' & his REALLY BELIEVING (!!) that I fell for it (!) or was fooled by it (simply b/c he was giving me 'attention'). After a while , even that stopped as my 6 month timeline for re evaluation had arrived, & he sensed a change in me.

Pattern:
Interestingly - h wants to take me to 'sedate' outing next week! This came up not long after the 'night out' conversation we had (which he brought up again next day). He 'volunteered' a little more 'information' - just like that I might add. This 'compensation/substitution action' typical in 2014, has re emerged for the 1st time in months! However, it is a similar set of conditions that 'ignited' it anyway (event w/party people & buddies & employment issues). It's too early to tell of course but it just shy of the anniversary of the BD, and prompted by the same things. A bit coincidental. Will it be a watered down version repeating itself? Many (re buddies) will be here for a while so I will see what happens!

Like 2014, there was loss of patience since the day of 'no lead/$$.' Wow did I get it! 3 times in 1 morning - insults, being snapped at, impatience - fault finding & 'put downs' ... (thought 2 things: 1 - "been there, done that, bought the t shirt," & 2 - "your problem not mine." I was so @!#$#$%%* fed up). As mentioned before though, there is less 'overall' hostility toward me - SO FAR anyway (we have a few more weeks to go b 4 the end of the year & anything's possible LOL ) I recently met someone who knew h quite well in his youth. Said h. was "very arrogant, felt he was better than". This may be part of the reason he does not cope well when he is not the success he expects to be.

At the moment, I am thinking of c. observing & tweaking sitch as I go. My biggest problem is financial - it is NO LONGER "HIM!" I would love to get into expressive arts & am currently producing interesting pieces!!!

Take care all, p.