I'm so sorry, Ss. That's a bad punch in the gut. I'm really, really sorry.
It IS about him and his inability to conduct himself in a mature, mutually supportive relationship. You ARE a rockstar. And knowing this, as bad as it hurts, gives you power. Now you know what you're dealing with, so you can operate more effectively.
Hugs and chocolate, lady, and remember to BREATHE.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I'm sorry, SS. I know that's difficult to hear although I doubt you are very surprised at your core. It is a smack in the face though. When the WAS wants to "be alone", "find him or herself", or "wanting to focus on him or herself", that generally implies they plan on hooking up or are already hooking up with other peeps. That is he one thing I read I sitches that I feel horrible for the people who truly don't see it coming. I don't say that to be cavalier-just feeling sassy.
Hang in there! You are doing g-r-e-a-t:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
You know how once you said you thought we might be sisters -- cause of our personalities? Hey look - we're even more sisters because look what the hell has happened in the last 24-72 hours of our lives?
I am so sorry for you to have to experience this. While I won't pretend that I know what you're going through, I imagine the pain you're feeling is similar to what I'm going through right now and my heart literally breaks. For you. For me. For all of us.
You're doing great. You're not vacuuming. :-)
Where are you in all of this?
Hugs to you my sweet inspiration.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
Thoughts and prayers for you this morning, Ss. Let the emotions come and go, and anything you want to say to him, try to sleep on the words first. Your perspective can change a lot overnight.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I am actually ok. I cannot tell you how appreciative I am of all of you dropping by to offer your support and hugs. This place really rallies when someone is suffering. It's amazing!
I did not sleep well but I wasn't up all night crying and cursing his name.
You know in books like Eat, Pray, Love and movies about someone overcoming adversity there are always "magical moments" where the author/main character sees or hears something and it's the one pivotal moment in all of their lives that makes them realize something huge and later it's a big amazing part of their book or movie?
I think I'm always waiting for that one quote from someone wise or moment in meditation where I just am enlightened beyond belief and see so clearly what I'm supposed to do and how I'm supposed to do it and suddenly I'll start making millions and life will be amazing and men will find me hopelessly attractive and all will be right with my world quickly and beautifully.
Let's face it, that's not how it works. But I wonder if seeing your WAH's catfish Facebook page pop up in your "suggested friends" feed is one of those moments.
Yep. He started a Facebook page under his screen name on fetish sites complete with a profile picture of himself which he changed to now be a picture of a woman's hands tied up with lots of rope. How did I discover this, you ask? Did I dig and stalk? Oh no. Facebook SUGGESTED I friend him which means Facebook is SUGGESTING many of our mutual friends friend him, too.
I took a screen shot of the friend suggestion and was going to text it to him saying, "must have been bored today" but I opted to see how it transpires.
Is it possible to turn off love in a single moment?
Because that's what feels like happened; like a switch was flipped inside of me. I didn't do it, it just happened.
After my heart stopped pounding so hard and the cold sweat dissipated I thought about what I'm really fighting for here. What am I really standing for?
The sad part is, I really just don't know. I really don't.
So- I spent a lot of time thinking about your situation last night. This, in conjunction with his onetime trolling of Craigslist for escorts makes me very concerned.
First of all- it seems like he might be getting close to potentially crossing over the line into dangerous/illegal activity, no?
Second - there's also the possibility that he is actually "funding" some of these activities and funding them with marital assets. Combined with the fact that he hasn't worked in a year - if I were you I might want to lock down the finances a little more.
I can't remember if you ever saw a lawyer- but if you haven't this might be the time.
I'd be interested to hear what others think - but your situation almost seems like a private investigator might be in order. It's very possible this is all just fantasy for him and he hasn't taken any action. But then again, he might have taken it up a notch when he moved out.
I just think its time to be hardcore about protecting yourself.
I don't know if I have truly and officially dropped the rope". I think I have (I think that's why I hardly post here anymore). But maybe that is what you are experiencing. Like, a tiny twinge of feeling, but no more sobbing on the floor.
The longer I'm in this, and the more I see myself growing and changing, the more I think that I'm not the one who's lost the most. And that this was not really about me.
It takes a really hurting person to walk away...and stay away...despite the growth and change they have seen in us.
It's possible your H is just being the best version of himself that he is capable of being. Maybe he is not a "bad" person, but your standards can be higher than that. And who knows. . Maybe our H ' s will be capable of the kind of self-reflection and growth we've been capable of. I'm not holding my breath for that. I've left my H to his journey.
This, in conjunction with his onetime trolling of Craigslist for escorts makes me very concerned.
Oh, it wasn't a onetime thing, raliced. I found emails in 2014 to craigslist escorts that dated back to 2009.
It's funny how I didn't even consider the illegal aspect. You're right, he could be funding this stuff with marital assets...
But I live in a no-fault state. Would a PI do anything in my favor? I'm not knocking that idea down, I honestly have no idea.
I don't even know how to broach the subject of finances with WAH. His income, the income we've been living on solely for the past 7 years, is sporadic because of his industry. Despite my best efforts we've never been able to live on ANY kind of budget. Granted there's no debt but he's a card-swiping man. His last Amex bill was $3,000 and it was almost all food. Anyway, I digress...
I think I'd need to talk to a lawyer to even know what to say to him about money.
I don't even know what to do.
Claire,
IT's good to see you. I've noticed you're not around as much. Stepping away sometimes helps... but it also helps to have the support from people who totally get it.
You hit it on the head with the realization that you're not the one who has lost the most. I'm realizing that, too.
Frankly, I think our D7 has lost the most but I have limited control over that so.... yeah.
But, yes, I'm not sure I've really lost all that much. I have memories of good times, I'm getting past the memories of the horrible times and have no interest in building more of those.
The strange thing is I seriously cannot imagine a man asking me out or dating. I mean, since that switch went off last night, I immediately realized I am not and I dont' want to be emotionally attached to WAH.
The idea that all the things I always wanted with WAH - connection, true love, respect, honor, loyalty, devotion, shared sense of humor and drive... I could have these things and it wouldn't be a fairytale. Men have these things to offer. Right? I'm not silly to hope for that one day. I know I want it and I know I deserve it...
I also know WAH has no desire to provide those things. They're just not in his nature and never have been. It's not like we lost our connection... we never really had one. Honestly. I'm not just saying that because I'm hurt. I'm serious.
I am definitely not the one who is losing the most. Definitely not.
