Wife Still in MLC but has now Left #8

[Shining]

Matt, your poor girls, how sad. I can relate on many levels when I went through this with the father of my kids, years ago. I'm so sorry you have yet another thing on your plate that needs your attention. I imagine you are feeling stretched pretty thin.

I asked her about moving in with me but the problem there is I live too far from her friends and school. She says that it doesn't bother her to live with her mother because she hardly ever has to see her anyway.

The thing about teens, from my experience, they frequently say things like, "It doesn't bother me" as a code, if you will....for "It bothers me but since it hurts and I feel bad and powerless, I'll just not deal with it and instead try to stop caring and shut down."

She may very well think this is what she wants, not seeing her mom, relying only on her friends....but, Matt....is that what she NEEDS? A daily reminder of how selfish her own mother is behaving? A daily dose of neglect and being treated with little regard from the one who should nurture her the most? Man...there is no way that doesn't wound her.

Her mother is clearly not plugged-in. I don't care how old any daughter is, whether child or adult...that chit hurts. Deep. The message is that "I'm less important than everything else Mom wants to focus on." I mean, ouch, right?

You can't change her mom. You CAN change things so it isn't in her face, day in and day out. Fill that time with things that let her know she matters. Be the parent she needs. Be there. Fight for her.

And your D15 seeking guidance from friends can be good...but if those friends are into this self-mutilation stuff, are they really the friends she should continue to to be hanging around? Especially in her vulnerable, wounded condition...how do you suppose that will influence her? My thoughts are oh, he!! no. I would run far and fast from that.

When my new job starts she will have about an hour and half until I pick her up where she'll be at her mom's. This will give her time to see her friends (but not so much where she can get into a lot of trouble.

^^^^^^ Wanna bet.......??? I am fluent in "denial." That's not serving you well, Matt. What does your gut really tell you?

Nothing W hates more that being told that she should do something she doesn't want to.

^^^^That has no real impact on what you do or don't do.

Seriously, stop caring about that, Matt. Put your energy on doing whatever needs to be done for you and the girls. If w gets mad...so what? She's mad about everything. Letting that influence you or even stop to think and hesitate for a second about your plan is keeping you from thinking clearly about your own health and your kids' well-being. Hers just doesn't matter, my friend. It doesn't.

I hear the limitations and obstacles you are facing. And it sounds like things are about to improve for you with the new job. How wonderful that things are taking a turn for the better in that area.

The rest? Take this sitch, Matt, and own it. Do whatever it takes, regardless of the social preferences of your D. She needs someone to care enough to make her well-being the priority. That's the thing....you clearly DO care enough. Now ACT.

I talked to D15 about going to a counselor and she really was against it. At this point, I don't think forcing her to go would help but I do need to be watchful.

Probably true. Forcing her wouldn't necessarily help. However, perhaps a conversation offering D15 perspective....if she engages in self mutilation, or finds herself caving in to peer pressure with things troubled teens do (drinking, alcohol, etc) she could easily find herself in a position of rehab where what she wants is no longer an option. No phones, no friends, daily group therapy...not to mention labels from her classmates and school staff that she will have to deal with for years to come. She can't see the potential damage right now. Her brain isn't wired that way yet. So YOURS has to be.

Even if exploring a school closer to you may be the best option...if she's headed down a bad path? It could be the lesser of the evils. Change isn't comfortable. Sometimes it's necessary.

And for once and for all...do what needs to be done REGARDLESS of how mad w gets. Her moods at this point shouldn't even be a blip on your radar.

You can do this. I've seen what you're made of. You got this, Matt.