This can't be the end!

[Barry]

Hi,
Just wanted to talk about why yesterday was so difficult.

I had to pick up my D15 yesterday from home and W’s car wasn’t there. I needed to get a coat and a couple of items of clothing I’d left behind so I went in whilst W was “apparently” at the local supermarket. I got my coat, then went up to the bedroom to get my clothes. She’s got all new bedding etc, and put our wedding photo down the side of the bed.
I went into one of the bedside drawers to get something of mine (we have just the one set of them), but I have to admit that I opened one of hers which has her “special occasion” nightwear shall I say in it amongst other things. I knew it was a bad idea.
It’s all been moved around in there like she’s been wearing it, and it sure isn’t for me. D15 was snooping around upstairs as well so I couldn’t look any further.

As I was driving D15 into the local town, W passed me coming the other way...miles away from any supermarket she would use.

My D15 was a bit nasty to me in the car, so I asked her not to be horrible to me when I only get to see them every few days for a short time. I explained that I wanted it to be quality time. She was saying that I was out a lot too so it wasn't their (the kids) fault that we didn't see each other much. I told her that I was never too far away, only either in the gym or at friends locally and that whenever any of them wanted to spend time with me, to just call or text and I'll come back. I told her I can't just sit around my parents house waiting for the next time that any of them feel like seeing me. I said that I was just trying to do what her Mum was asking me to do in GAL and keeping busy, and that it was good for me too (I know W is thinking that by me GAL, it's going to help me come to terms with the fact that our M is over so that when the final blow comes, I'll be in a better place. I often wonder if she has a copy of DB somewhere!!)

In the end, D15 was ok with what we talked about and said she understands all of the above.

When I dropped D15 home, I went back to my parents house and W's BF (best friend) was outside her house (she lives right across the road) and she invited me in for a cup of tea. I did, and ended up begging her to swear to me if W had an OM (either way) whilst sobbing my heart out. She said that she hasn’t got one and that if she (the BF) did know about one, she would get W to tell me about it. I’m really not so sure that’s true, those two will lie each other up and take it to the grave.

(Whilst at the BF's house, I recieve a polite text from W saying that she "would prefer me not going into the bedroom whilst she's not there. She appreciates that I also own the house but that right now, that is her space and that if I need anything, to let her know and she will get it" I can relate to that and can see how it would have annoyed her. I just said Ok, sorry, I was just getting some clothes.
I obviously didn't say that I'd looked in the other drawer.
What I do know from that text is that my D15 couldn't help but tell her that I'd been in the bedroom though. She must have known it was going to stir things up. I think W has told all the kids to let her know if I go round there whilst she isn't there and to tell her what I was up to).

I said to the BF that the longer this S went on, the chances of an OM happening increase. Although W has never been overly sexual and can go for weeks without ML, when we had troubles last year, it was 6 weeks and then she practically raped me! I'm not naive, there is only so long anyone can go. BF says that she isn't even thinking about anyone else and is just happy on her own. She has an electric friend in that drawer which BF has told her to use rather than do anything she may regret. She told me before that she's never used it on her own (it was something we would use when together) but maybe that was why the drawer was re-arranged as opposed to the wearing of the other things? Maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part. As it stands, I'm back to where I was in creating this OM, when they is no concrete evidence that there is one. I need to stop thinking about it.

Anyway, I ended up in absolute pieces with the BF. Not just about that, but about the whole situation. I’m really trying my best to keep strong (the mask on) but inside I’m a train wreck, and sometimes it has to come out. I’m so broken.
The BF said that W has literally flipped a switch inside and is happy as she is now (without me). She doesn’t know if that’s going to change over the next few weeks or months but if she had to judge it now, it won’t.
She asked me if I even could carry on like this for another 5 months (which is what we’ve initially said), and I said I’d have to if that’s what it took. The truth is, I don't know if I can. The BF was asking me if I didn’t think I should “cut my losses” now to save any further heartache, but I can’t, I really don’t want to. I have to try and give it every chance until there are none left.
That probably sounds like I’m being weak to people, I don’t know.

She asked me what would happen if at the end of that time, W still says that she doesn’t want to reconcile, and I can honestly say I don’t know what will happen to me. I’m already absolutely crushed as it is. Not by the thoughts of an OM, just over everything.

There's a part of me that wants to say to W, "Look, is there any part of you that thinks things can be different between us and that we can reconcile at any point, because if not, we'll split now, sell the house and go our own ways".

The other part is telling me to not be so stupid in rushing to push her into a D when it's not what I want and that I should just carry on with the DB techniques until I feel I'm strong enough to face the worst outcome. Maybe in finding that strength she will see something attractive again.

The rollercoaster continues...

Barry