The bomb dropped on me when I lost my wedding ring. I asked my husband to buy me a new one or at least take me to get a new one. His response was strange so I said even if I gives you money to go buy it, you would not, right? He reluctantly said no. " I don't love you enough to buy you a wedding ring and I have been thinking about living by myself for a while now". He said he is not happy and wants to go find himself. He has never lived alone ever in his life. Got married at 20 and from her house, he came to mine. and the only thing that stops him from going now is he does not have money.
Yes, I went ballistic for about a week. Crying, pleading, taking pills, not sleeping, the usual. Then I read DB, and other stuff along the same line. I got calmer and set myself a goal. I know it may not go according to what I want but I do not want H to leave.
So since then I have been trying to get him to stay. Most of the time, I do OK but sometimes it is so hard. Just the way he looks at me sometimes kills me. How could he stopped loving me?
Eighteen years was not all bliss. Half of it was his cocaine use. The lying, stealing, disappearing that came with that. I used to know the phone number for central police booking by heart, looking for him. It has been about 8 years now since then. He went to school got himself an associate degree.
Things between us have gotten worse in the past few years but again he was in school, had back problem and 2 knees replacements, so i was giving him time and space. I was avoiding him bc I did not want to fight. So it back fired.
I guess it does not matter of why and how things get here. What important is what to do now only since no one can guarantee the future.
He wants to leave to go find himself but will always be here whenever I need him. So he said. We did one session of MC and simply put she told us not to come back as a couple and I should just let him leave. How could a person talk to someone for 45 mins and declare their marriage to be over?
Me 44; H 48 no kids together; H has D24, D19 M 14; T 18 DB 12/21/14 living together (for now)
He asked my to give him money so he could move out. I told him I would at first but after re-thinking I told him no. I do not want him to move out so why would I lose a husband and money too?
I don't think I am the only cause of his misery. I think he is just depressed and miserable, the latter he admits to. I hate to say but MLC hit him hard. yes, it was hard for me to be around him. His anger, agitation led to me lashing out too. Then sex slowed down and stopped. Looking back I should not have let it gets this bad. He wants to know if being alone will make him happy. I don't know if he will though.
He said if we had children, he would not ever leave. Hmm, he left him 1st wife with 2 kids, no I don't know logically his thinking is.
Me 44; H 48 no kids together; H has D24, D19 M 14; T 18 DB 12/21/14 living together (for now)
The bomb dropped on me when I lost my wedding ring. I asked my husband to buy me a new one or at least take me to get a new one. His response was strange so I said even if I gives you money to go buy it, you would not, right? He reluctantly said no. " I don't love you enough to buy you a wedding ring and I have been thinking about living by myself for a while now". He said he is not happy and wants to go find himself. He has never lived alone ever in his life. Got married at 20 and from her house, he came to mine. and the only thing that stops him from going now is he does not have money.
Yes, I went ballistic for about a week. Crying, pleading, taking pills, not sleeping, the usual. Then I read DB, and other stuff along the same line. I got calmer and set myself a goal. I know it may not go according to what I want but I do not want H to leave.
So since then I have been trying to get him to stay. Most of the time, I do OK but sometimes it is so hard. Just the way he looks at me sometimes kills me. How could he stopped loving me?
Hi, June. You've found the right place, welcome to the boards. Hope you will find support and inspiration here.
How have you been trying to get him to stay? If you are begging, or pushing/trying to convince him in any way, you need to stop it now. I know it's hard, but that's exactly what drives them away. I spent an entire month doing it, and I just pushed him further and further away... So stop it now if you are!
You need to get out and see friends, take up new activities and/or take back up some hobbies you've given up. Do stuff to take your mind off the situation, hard as it is. Act happy (even if you're not feeling it) around him and like you will be fine, without or without him.
Give him plenty of space to do his own thing, especially if he's saying he never lived on his own and wants to find himself (my H also told me he 'doesn't feel himself' and needs to go back to being himself, on his own). Let him have time and space to explore himself, and you can get on with your own life, in the meantime.
Originally Posted By: June315
Eighteen years was not all bliss. Half of it was his cocaine use. The lying, stealing, disappearing that came with that. I used to know the phone number for central police booking by heart, looking for him. It has been about 8 years now since then. He went to school got himself an associate degree.
Has he stopped the drug use? This isn't an area I know much about, but have either of you been to Al-anon or similar? A support group might help.
Originally Posted By: June315
Things between us have gotten worse in the past few years but again he was in school, had back problem and 2 knees replacements, so i was giving him time and space. I was avoiding him bc I did not want to fight. So it back fired.
I guess it does not matter of why and how things get here. What important is what to do now only since no one can guarantee the future.
He wants to leave to go find himself but will always be here whenever I need him. So he said. We did one session of MC and simply put she told us not to come back as a couple and I should just let him leave. How could a person talk to someone for 45 mins and declare their marriage to be over?
I'm sorry the MC said that, unfortunately from the sounds of it (what many people on this forum have experienced, and myself as well), some MCs seem to think it's their business to declare an R dead, which obviously they can't do after spending an hour with someone. Don't listen to her, and certainly don't go back! If you go back to counseling, interview or talk to the MC in advance (Michele has some advice on questions to ask) and make sure you're getting one who will be supportive and has a good success rate at saving Ms. Although if your H doesn't want to go, now's not the right time.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Last night he asked me to come watch Gone girl with him. I'm not sure if he had any hidden agenda since the movie started with H wanted to crack W skull open. lol. Then it ended with the 2 are "trapped" together with a baby on the way though he hated her. I asked why he wanted to see this movie, he did not really say so I didn't push further.
Me 44; H 48 no kids together; H has D24, D19 M 14; T 18 DB 12/21/14 living together (for now)
I guess I am a control freak, somewhat. Being in limbo is so hard. I try to GAL but sadly I do not have many friends and no family at all. I have been out by myself though. I had a solo anniversary dinner last week. I was nice and pathetic at the same time.
Me 44; H 48 no kids together; H has D24, D19 M 14; T 18 DB 12/21/14 living together (for now)
Hi Susana, Thanks for the reply. The cocaine use stopped and yes we did counseling alone and together regarding the drug use. I had to hide all my cards, check books, changed so many passwords, etc. It was so tough.
I thought we got through that especially I stuck with him from that, we would always be together. That he would love me forever and also bc somehow he owes me. I supported him through everything, even helped paying for his school.
Me 44; H 48 no kids together; H has D24, D19 M 14; T 18 DB 12/21/14 living together (for now)
I guess I am a control freak, somewhat. Being in limbo is so hard. I try to GAL but sadly I do not have many friends and no family at all. I have been out by myself though. I had a solo anniversary dinner last week. I was nice and pathetic at the same time.
Perhaps now is a good time to make some new friends (and reconnect with old ones)? Are there any groups or classes you could attend in the area and meet people? Do you have meetup.com in your area? You can search for your town, and your interests, and meet like-minded people (and make some new friends!)
I think going out by yourself is a good idea, too. I've been trying to do more of that - just going and reading in a coffee shop, or going to the movies.
Originally Posted By: June315
Hi Susana, Thanks for the reply. The cocaine use stopped and yes we did counseling alone and together regarding the drug use. I had to hide all my cards, check books, changed so many passwords, etc. It was so tough.
I thought we got through that especially I stuck with him from that, we would always be together. That he would love me forever and also bc somehow he owes me. I supported him through everything, even helped paying for his school.
I don't think it's healthy or helpful to have a 'he owes me' attitude. Do you think that could have fed into the problems? This might be something you want to do some soul searching on, and get a 180 in place.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
I am trying to figure out what my 180 should be. One of H complaints is that I am too independent and that I do not need him for anything. So one of the rules is never to say I need you. But I feel like he wants to hear that. What should I do?
Me 44; H 48 no kids together; H has D24, D19 M 14; T 18 DB 12/21/14 living together (for now)
I am trying to figure out what my 180 should be. One of H complaints is that I am too independent and that I do not need him for anything. So one of the rules is never to say I need you. But I feel like he wants to hear that. What should I do?
Hi June, I don't think that would be in keeping with DB rules, that would be seen as 'pursuing' which you shouldn't be doing any of right now. You need to show H you will be fine, with or without him, either way, and that you are moving on with your life.
I'm pretty stumped as to what a good 180 would be though, without seeming needy or pursuing - any thoughts from vets around here?
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
