Talked to H again yesterday. Needed to tell him about some tax info. H answered right away and it was a conversation with a beginning, middle and end. I told H I forgive him. Not sure why I told him that and I do forgive him but mainly for myself. It doesn't change anything. H is far away and has put himself in a situation that limits his options at the moment. I feel bad for him but he created the situation.
Not sure what is up with OW. I did not ask but I feel a real shift from infatuation. I sensed he was trying to empathize with me and the children. He did not seem mad at me at all. Not sure if he is being honest because I don't trust my inner voice.
He told me he sent a new response to his lawyer about the settlement. He said he directed it so we shall see. I tried very hard not to ask too many questions. One question I asked was if H had ever lied before. I told him that was the worst all the lies for months because our M was so honest for so long but then again maybe it wasn't. The way he answered never told me that he was as stunned with all the lies as I was. I told him we can't build anything built on lies and no matter how badly it hurts honesty has to happen because we all deserve honesty and respect.
We did not discuss D or R. I sense OW is becoming a real person with real issues. I assume there is still a relationship but not sure. I am the W and I do not sense that will change right away. A legal separation has to happen. Too many issues and I can't trust this man. I need to show my girls we are ok.
I keep praying H will focus on himself but not sure he has it in him. He was never good at communication. I just have to be realistic.
Just not sure how this all makes me feel. Sad? Resigned? I surrendered emotionally and forgave him for spinning out of control and destroying our life. I know that is a big step but I am not sure what it means? I don't regret saying the words- H needed to hear it if only to give him a chance to return from exile. i guess I thought it would feel more of a relief. I am so eerily calm.
Is this contentment or resignation? Am I waiting for the other shoe to drop?
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
