Was the past 18 years just a waste?

[susana4]

The bomb dropped on me when I lost my wedding ring. I asked my husband to buy me a new one or at least take me to get a new one. His response was strange so I said even if I gives you money to go buy it, you would not, right? He reluctantly said no. " I don't love you enough to buy you a wedding ring and I have been thinking about living by myself for a while now". He said he is not happy and wants to go find himself. He has never lived alone ever in his life. Got married at 20 and from her house, he came to mine. and the only thing that stops him from going now is he does not have money.

Yes, I went ballistic for about a week. Crying, pleading, taking pills, not sleeping, the usual. Then I read DB, and other stuff along the same line. I got calmer and set myself a goal. I know it may not go according to what I want but I do not want H to leave.

So since then I have been trying to get him to stay. Most of the time, I do OK but sometimes it is so hard. Just the way he looks at me sometimes kills me. How could he stopped loving me?

Hi, June. You've found the right place, welcome to the boards. Hope you will find support and inspiration here.

How have you been trying to get him to stay? If you are begging, or pushing/trying to convince him in any way, you need to stop it now. I know it's hard, but that's exactly what drives them away. I spent an entire month doing it, and I just pushed him further and further away... So stop it now if you are!

You need to get out and see friends, take up new activities and/or take back up some hobbies you've given up. Do stuff to take your mind off the situation, hard as it is. Act happy (even if you're not feeling it) around him and like you will be fine, without or without him.

Give him plenty of space to do his own thing, especially if he's saying he never lived on his own and wants to find himself (my H also told me he 'doesn't feel himself' and needs to go back to being himself, on his own). Let him have time and space to explore himself, and you can get on with your own life, in the meantime.

Eighteen years was not all bliss. Half of it was his cocaine use. The lying, stealing, disappearing that came with that. I used to know the phone number for central police booking by heart, looking for him. It has been about 8 years now since then. He went to school got himself an associate degree.

Has he stopped the drug use? This isn't an area I know much about, but have either of you been to Al-anon or similar? A support group might help.

Things between us have gotten worse in the past few years but again he was in school, had back problem and 2 knees replacements, so i was giving him time and space. I was avoiding him bc I did not want to fight. So it back fired.

I guess it does not matter of why and how things get here. What important is what to do now only since no one can guarantee the future.

He wants to leave to go find himself but will always be here whenever I need him. So he said. We did one session of MC and simply put she told us not to come back as a couple and I should just let him leave. How could a person talk to someone for 45 mins and declare their marriage to be over?

I'm sorry the MC said that, unfortunately from the sounds of it (what many people on this forum have experienced, and myself as well), some MCs seem to think it's their business to declare an R dead, which obviously they can't do after spending an hour with someone. Don't listen to her, and certainly don't go back! If you go back to counseling, interview or talk to the MC in advance (Michele has some advice on questions to ask) and make sure you're getting one who will be supportive and has a good success rate at saving Ms. Although if your H doesn't want to go, now's not the right time.