Hi everyone and thanks for posting, I brought cutting up with D15 in a very casual way today just to get an idea of what might be going on. She has recently started to identify herself as "Emo" (short for emotional) and kids who are "Emo" dress in jeans and band T-shirts, like to wear black and write poetry. Many also are into "cutting". I asked her straight out if she cut herself. This started the conversation and it turns out that she has friends who are into doing it and tell her that it makes them feel better. She has thought about it and the writings in her notebook were the things that they were telling her they feel when they do it. She has thought about trying it but has chickened out. She said that she is less upset than she was when her mom first told her she was moving, that music was the thing that got her through it. That and writing poetry (she has written poetry for years and is published and won a large contest when she was only 11 years old against much older kids).
I asked her about moving in with me but the problem there is I live too far from her friends and school. She says that it doesn't bother her to live with her mother because she hardly ever has to see her anyway. She has learned to just tone her out when she starts "freaking" (her word) on her and just goes to her room and listens to music. Where I live now she is 30 miles from school and her friends. Right now she has the freedom to pretty much do whatever she wants after school most days since her mom isn't home until late most nights. When with me she actually sees less of her friends as I pick her up after school. When my new job starts she will have about an hour and half until I pick her up where she'll be at her mom's. This will give her time to see her friends (but not so much where she can get into a lot of trouble. Now she is alone until 9:00 most nights). I do think that if her sister was to move back in with me, she would probably want to stay here. To do that D19 has to get a car. D19 does want to move back but wouldn't be able to go to school or work unless she has a car, something her mother and I planned on helping her do until B-day changed W's priorities and it was more important for her to move out on her own.
I do know I'm going to need to be watchful with D15. Just the fact that she has considered cutting is a very bad sign and tells me she is having problems dealing with the sitch. And you're right about her worrying if it's hereditary. She says often how she is afraid she is going to go crazy when she gets older "like mom has". Gee, sounds like W is just so much happier on her own away from me since I was definitely the cause of her being so very miserable. What does it take to make these MLCers wake up? I'm guessing she is thinking that once the D is final THEN she'll be happy. That she is blaming the fact that it isn't final yet for her not feeling all the happiness she expected. But that is mind reading on my part. Who knows what goes on in her mind.
So, tonight I get a text from D19. She has been sick the last few days but can't go to the Dr. because her mother won't give her a insurance card. She is on her mom's insurance from work but when D19 asked for a card so she can go to the Dr, her mom said that unless she moves in with her, she can't have one. D19 will not move in with her mom. She just doesn't want to deal with her crazy, would have to quit her job, wouldn't be able to go to school. Not only that she would need to share a small room with her sister. W moved into a 3 BR home but turned one room into an "office" (that she hasn't used once in 7 months) instead of making a space for D19. That sent her a signal that her mom didn't want her anyway. D19 said that she knows how it would go once she moved in and she doesn't want any part of her mom's craziness. D19 doesn't make much but is now thinking she has to go to a hospital because they let you pay over time and can't use her insurance card! What is W thinking doing this? Does she really want D19 to go into debt because she has to go to the Dr to make a point and get HER way? I mean she's paying for that insurance, why not let her use it? My card (with D19's name on it) expired Jan 1st and W hasn't given me a new one. As far as I know she didn't include me for this year (even though by law she can't drop me until we are officially D'd) so I can't help her. W's craziness is just so tiring. I am going to look into putting D19 on my insurance once I get working and my office starts to offer group insurance. Until then, I just don't know how to help D19. Her mother won't listen to me and I really don't want to get involved since it would probably just make things worse. Nothing W hates more that being told that she should do something she doesn't want to.
I talked to D15 about going to a counselor and she really was against it. At this point, I don't think forcing her to go would help but I do need to be watchful. Just the fact that she has thought about cutting, has friends that tell her that it "works" is not good. I need to look for signs that she is doing it. I also need to watch for all the other ways kids try and deal with stress and upset in their lives like drugs or boys. So far she is doing well. Has all "A's", seems to be making friends. That can change quickly, especially if her mom gets worse. Add onto this the fact that her mom wouldn't allow her to take drivers ed after she thought she would be able if she got "A's", that she can't talk to her mom about her problems or troubles and I have to keep an eye on her. This is one of the big reasons I never wanted to get a D. I was so sure I could work out any problem, married someone who also thought this way but all that changed as soon as MLC came into the picture. It never occurred to me that nothing could be done to save a M. I really believed that any problem could be worked out. I was wrong.
I'm am so tired of all this, people. I mean it never ends! I really don't care what my W is doing or who she is doing it with. I just wish she could just not make things worse for the girls. When she left she said that she was going to be a "better mother" because she would be happy. So far that little prediction hasn't come true! How long will it take until she starts to realize that D isn't the magic answer to her problems? How long will it be until she wakes up enough to see what she is doing to her kids? How long before I stop asking that stupid question that has no answer! I have had my fill of MLC. Heck, I'm ready to start a telethon to raise awareness of the dangers of it! Yet W just keeps running full speed to nowhere and myself and my D's and our family keep having to pay the price. Yet, I will need to deal with her for years, at least until D15 is out of High School. Not a fun thought.
