Train, thank you for such great post. It is first hand experience that brightens up my actions.
I am not snooping into my H's life now. I saw and confirmed what I wanted to know. It was awful but I am not feeling stupid anymore. Sometimes H came full of love, cried on my shoulder, showed himself weak and confused, said that he had feelings for the OW but never been physically with her. I kind of believed him. I tough that maybe he had an EA and was just confused.
But something in my gut was telling me I needed more info about this and I got and also made sure he knew I saw him and OW together. So, no more lies.
About my health, I agree that it is very important and no more intimacy from now on. As a matter of fact, the last time we were intimate was by Christmas. Thinking now, he was probably physical with OW by then.
My boundaries are set, he can't toy with me anymore. I will talk to him only when I am ready. I won't allow him to came and go to just fulfill with good feelings his bloody sense of guilty. If he talks about the kids and the subject is important, then I will answer him or talk to him about, if it is not important, I will ignore it. I already chose a L to start working on my legal separation and it will give me the financial independence I need and will avoid any risks regarding the security of my children and myself.
I have been working on myself. I have an IC since september last year. Have been working on my two main issues from my childhood: the spanking and the sexual abuse. It is going well, most because I realized that it is not my fault and starting building the "Worthy" sense into myself again.
I finally changed religion. Not totally, I am still a Christian, but no longer go to a Catholic church. I got baptized on a Christian Evangelical Church and I have been very happy with my decision. I find that God is closer to me now.
I have been forcing myself to go out and see people. To dress up and put a make up on everyday. And for my surprise, I have been enjoying it a lot. I feel prettier, sexier, I feel smart and enjoyable. I have been feeling like I am myself again. And your are totally right, I am a very sweet person, I have a big heart that help others, care for others. But I have this spicy side of me, very crazy. I like techno, hip-hop, crazy music and like it loud, I like what is not planned, like road trips to unknown places. I like love stories, tragedies, everything intense. Basically I am two persons, and the combination of the two is me, unpredictable, ready to tackle the next chapter, full of energy to move forward. I actually always told H that even if I want I can never destroy myself because there is something inside me that is thirst for life, that wants the adventure, that enjoy the ride.
Your story is sad and heart breaking. But as you say, it served well for you to grow into the person you love. It also allow yourself to find out your worthy and determined what you alone wants for yourself. You are amazing.
I don't know what life will bring us. All what I know now is that I need to make peace with myself, accept what is going on and take myself to a better place. I have some things I need to do in order to get my life back to normal. Have a normal schedule and deal with my future.
I have some plans, things are working on my favor. Will move into full time work schedule very soon. Need to register to get my Orthotic Certificate so I can see my own patients. I am hitting the gym about 5 times a week, even if it is late at night. My kids are doing good in school, my S20 is in a period of trial without medication for his mood swings and is responding very well. He is also working on all the legal paperwork for his company.
Slowly but surely, my life is getting back to order. I like it when I have order around, I feel comfort this way.
I will succeed because I am a warrior, I fought life before and put myself in a better place. I still feel the sting inside my gut, it is still bothersome to think about my H with OW. I catch myself thinking how they make love, does he does everything he did with me? Is he kissing her the way he kissed me? Is he making plans to move in with her sometime? Does he talk nasty about me and picture me a worse person in the world? How happy they are together?
I now decided that every time I start thinking about these stupid things, that I will say a prayer and try to get those toughs away from my mind. It does not help my cause and it just depress me further. It is hard, but if I exercise enough then I have a chance to succeed.
I noticed that after confronting my H, fear is not a big issue anymore. I do not fear him anymore or anything he wants to do. My fear became determination, and I like it.
You are a prove that M can work again after a separation and an A. However, I do know that many M end and that is it. Right now I do not have much hope. I don't know exactly if I am being honest with myself. I feel that I am thinking there is no hope, to just protect myself from another fall. Maybe it is too early to think about this. I need to take this time and make myself a better person.
Again, thanks for the post, it was very helpful to read all those painful but hopeful words. You are an amazing fighter and an awesome person.
Sounds like you are making lots of progress, and your posts sound more positive, enev though just a few days have passed. Good for you - feisty Pink is back!
I'm interested to see how things go with a separation agreement. I also talked to L's about this option, which I may still consider. My big worry with it was that it is an 'agreement' and I already know that my H expects a minimal 'settlement' for me - basically just the funds I joined the R with. My L laughed when I told her.
So, my question (to you and myself) is - what if he doesn't 'agree' to the agreement? What happens then? I know you were also concerned that H's ideas of settling the finances didn't favour you and the family. If the proposed agreement is a shock to him, he may not agree to it. My L said that such agreements are great if they can be 'agreed' but if they can't, D is the only way of 'forcing' a settlement of financial matters.
Sorry if I'm sounding pessimistic, I do like the sound of the option. I'm just sharing what I have been thinking about it. Anyway, just some food for thought. I'm so glad to hear you sounding brighter than earlier this week....you can't keep a good woman down for long!
Toots x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
From where I am sitting, I see that it has come to this:
OW: 1 Pink: 0
Are you gonna let a little nasty, annoying gnat bring you down to your knees??!! You're so much stronger than this. Don't let the Heartbreak Hill stop you from winning the Boston Marathon. Literally and figuratively speaking. Google Boston Marathon and the Heartbreak Hill which will give you a different perspective on DBing as being a marathon, not a sprint.
Think the big picture here..the whole marathon route.
I had a horrible weekend regarding the whole issue that involves finances. I am going in so many directions at the same time, it is very upsetting and tiring. I want to have my H back, I believe I can forgive myself and him. I believe we can work on our M and became stronger together.
But, I don't know what to think, what to feel, what to do. Sometimes I am very sure I will fight for my M then I stumble in the issue that I need to straight the finances and separate everything so I do not have surprises that will make me regret later for doing nothing.
Then other times I think that going for a legal separation or D is the only way to go now, I will make sure the kids and I are secure and if H wants to come back sometime in the future, then we will see what happens then.
Sometimes I miss him, would like to talk to him and believe we can start over and sometimes I hate him, I am offended, hurt and want him to go for good.
When I say I have no hope, I am not lying, I really feel very hopeless. H already set with me to talk about D settlement, he already told me that he wants to move on and he said nothing about working in our M ever again.
I saw him with OW, he has been with her for the whole week, he is not calling, text, not even the kids anymore. He does not have a family anymore. I see my kids hurting. They say they don't want to see or be with their father because he is a jerk that does not deserve their love. It's not the nicest thing to hear from your children.
Yes OW is 1 and I am 0. And that's the way I see it right now too. I checked the Boston Marathon. As a matter of fact I lived in Boston before, loved it and would go back on a blink of an eye. I really miss that place. I got it that it is a Marathon. And I am not giving up.
I just don't know how much serving my H with the Legal separation will help to reconcile. Besides, I may serve him with it and he can push for a final D during the process. But, if I don't do it, there are so many risks involved, and I do not have that right to sit around and maybe make my kids go through a hard time.
Wonka, what would you advise me. How should I feel, what should I do, how do I proceed from here if there will be legal separation? I am willing to continue DBing, like so many people did before me, I can live my life and if H comes back, then we can try to work on our M. But how to DBing if you are legally asking the separation?
God, this whole thing is driving me crazy... please, tell me how do you see all this, what would you do, it will help me to take my own conclusions.
Hello lovely Pink. I'm so sorry the weekend has been tough...hopefully this week will be better for you. One thing I would chime in, is that there's no rush to make a decision on this. You got some legal advice. You've since had the shock and trauma of seeing your H with OW. You're just settling yourself after that.
There is no ticking clock. You don't need to do anything in the next little while unless you want to. One of my big mantras has been - if in doubt (or feeling highly emotional) do and decide nothing for now. When you are calmer, things often change.
Sorry to hear how upset the kids are feeling with your H too. Do they know what has happened over the past week or so? So sorry to hear about your colleague losing her H too - that's a very sad story, and it does put our situations into perspective. They may be very difficult, but that is so much worse.
I'm thinking of you xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sorry you had a rough weekend, I hope that you are feeling better even if only a little. I imagine it must all feel very raw at the moment?
Theres no rush to make a decision on the seperation, so take whatever time you need to feel more at ease with it and to make sure its a decision not a reaction.
I often find it helpful to make sure we distinguish between a decision and an outcome. we can make good decisions and have terrible outcomes and we can make terrible decisions and have good outcomes, but in general good decisions make a good outcome more likely (just not necessarily the outcome we anticipated). Its a slighlty rambly way of saying its best to let go of a specific outcome and focus on whether the decision is good based on the whole range of possible outcomes.
Irrespective we are here for you to help in anyway we can
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I think H is ignoring that his kids can think for themselves. As much as I think they need to love their father, they have their own take on this and it is not easy to just tell them something different.
Regarding my weekend, I need to be careful do not go into depression. I felt very depressive the whole time. It's so hard. I sometimes felt sick. I know I need to eat, but sometimes it feels that I can't really swollen anything. i am fighting all this feelings, I am trying very hard to keep myself sane through this.
Filling for the legal separation is almost like filing for the D, as a matter of fact I can serve my H with it and he can ask for the D instead and it will become the final D. For me, I want to make a point that I do not want the D, so I will file for Legal separation.
Why I will file? Just very simple to protect my children and myself. Maybe H will never hurt us financially, but I do not know this man anymore, he is not my H, at least not now. He is also entitling himself to have a different life and as far as I know he is justifying himself. So yes, he can do some BS move and hurt us all, maybe I will lose the house, retirement, etc.
My M is dead, he is moving on and I will move forward. If there is a chance for us then we will need to start all over again. For now, my security and my kids future is more important. And if H is really in the fog, he will thank me later for protecting him too against himself. Who knows.
Here in Colorado, Legal separation is a D without the final decree. Instead of a D decree, you get e separation one. So you determined everything as a normal D... custody, child support, alimony, who will do what, etc. ... but you are still married.
I gave a lot of tough to this and decided that this is the way to go. It may be even a good wake up call for H. He is very infatuated with his new love but I am quite sure he is thinking I will be always at his mercy, that I am a scared mouse stock in a corner.
This OW will leave soon, then H will be traveling for two weeks to Brasil. When he comes back I will have all the paperwork ready, will sit with him and serve it to him. Then another nightmare will begin. He will be pissed with me because he will finally figure it out that he will be financially destroyed. Well, not my problem. He must be happy I will give him what he is asking for...to be free from me.
I am facing the consequences of a bad M, so now it's time for my idiot H to face the consequences of his actions too.
My heart still hurts, I still cry a lot, but I made my choice and I think I will be better off taking care of business now.
Hi Pink, I hope making a choice to go legal has given you some peace. I think you are doing the right thing. Your H needs to face upto what he is losing.
You are very brave to face your fears of upsetting H but you have to protect your family.
You are in a very raw and tough place. Your H is acting like a teenager again but you have to be the adult and you are being. I know no one can post the words to make you feel ok but by proctecting yourself you are not cutting off H or finishing your M. It might seem like it but when you look back your actions will be a small piece in the puzzle. Your H is sleeping with OW. Anytime you doubt your actions or worry that H will be upset remember this.
You are worth alot more than how you H is treating you and you will get more. It might take time but you will get through this.
Thinking of you and admiring your strentgh.. Take RD
It is perfectly understandable to go through all gamut of emotions and feel depressed. You have every legitimate right to do so. You've had a devastating discovery that blows at the very core of your soul. Shattering.
My suggestion is to let your emotions settle for a bit longer and take no action at this stage. I am not a fan of taking any type of action when one's feeling emotional thus their judgment is clouded. You may think that you're thinking clearly. Perhaps to a point. Again, I'd urge you to sit on your hands for a week to two weeks.
You need to give yourself permission to process this new information and allow your emotions have a say. Within the confines of your home away from H and the kids. This is your journey and yours alone. You have the support of some really awesome DBers walking the path with you.
Just so you know, many DBers have DB'd without a legal separation in place and come out as success stories with reconciled Ms. Trust the process for it DOES work.
IF you are concerned about finances, then you would want to set up your own banking account and have all of your money deposited in it. Then you can make some small deposits to the joint account (if you guys do have one) to cover the necessities of your household and the kids. This can be easily done without a legal separation in place.
