Calibri (3)

[Zues126]

Hey Calibri. I've followed your sitch from the beginning and have just had not much to contribute. But I would like to share a few ramblings at this time.

First and foremost, I'M SORRY you're here. There is nothing worse I can think of. There are other worse losses I'm sure, yet there is something about this type of betrayal and loss that shatters your belief in the universe and humanity. I don't know you but I'm sending you tons of support.

As for your sitch, I don't have any specific feedback. I have thought a lot about the patterns I've seen on DB forums and in my own sitch. What I've noticed is that no one can really understand at the beginning how gone things really are.

Yes, we tell ourselves that the old M is dead.
We try to let go.
We try to understand aliens posses our WAS.

We try to do all of these things. Yet the denial/bargaining/anger of our grieving process can't be bypassed. We're human, and it's what humans do.

What that means is that even when we are telling ourselves we're letting go and accepting the reality, we are still looking for signs that it might be able to work. That's denial. We still think maybe we can make changes that will turn it around. That's bargaining. We still get hurt and then angry when it doesn't work that way and when we feel the betrayal. That's obviously anger.

It's almost like there are two phases of DBing. The first phase, which can last a 1-6 months after initial BD (or- shudder- longer) in which people THINK they are DBing. Then there's another BD...something more extreme which finally breaks through the denial and proves that this is a reality. Then another round of DBing begins.

Look at Pink's thread. She is just going through this now with the confirmed A.

In my thread I thought I was DBing for a few months and 'making progress', it all blew up with a confirmed A and a suicide attempt, followed by some other extreme aftermath.

So all I can say is that this really, really, really [censored] and I'm really sorry you're here. Just know that it will be easier to move forward on your own and accept that the M is done, and that this was necessary for your own acceptance of that fact. I'm not telling you that there's 0% that you'll ever meet in the future, only that this is what is meant when they say your old M is dead. There is no saving anything and you will have to get divorced, learn to be on your own, grieve that loss, start your new life, and not look back. Maybe someday the person you become and the person he becomes will cross again, but you could say that about your first boyfriend too. Time to move forward.

See my post on It Hurt's thread for a look at what the next 3 months will look like. It will get easier. For now you have a lot to process. A lot of emotion. Totally understandable. Get it out here, and know that we feel your pain and care about you.