barely holding on - 7

[u-turn]

Thanks LITB

Although you see that change needs to occur, you are paralyzed with fear. Undoubtedly there are things you could have done differently not to find yourself in this situation, but this isn't all on you. Own your part, and then correct it. Her cross isn't yours to bear.

I tell you this, because there is no motivation for your W to change. If you are not part of the solution, then you are part of the problem.

I feel that you are dead on with this. My inaction is exactly what she counts on.

I met with a client couple yesterday that have been talking with me and kind of guiding me a little. I knew they had both gone through divorces and she's a counselor. Turns out this is his third marriage, her second, and he has been a WAS and had an affair. all sounds like someone I really wouldn't want to talk to but they are so insightful and really saying exactly what is said on these boards. They quickly see that I am enabling this behavior and have to stop and take control of myself. Drop the fear and realize that everything WILL work out in the end (one way or another) and I will be better because of it. Though he did talk about his opinion of telling OMW, and everyone else, and letting W know that I wasn't going to cover for her any more.

Yesterday morning I spoke to W and told her that I know everything and I know that she lies to me about everything. She had initial anger thinking it was as simple as me tracking her, but it is way more than that. It is so simple to see when I step back and look. I told her that I will not continue this way. We started talking about how we are going to separate. She asked me questions about things that I wanted (christmas stuff that she is still putting away - I said I didn't want it).

I left for the client meeting for a couple of hours and when I came back she was crying and told me that she wants our life but doesn't know how to end the A. I told her that I don't know how to respond to that but it is her mess to clean up. I don't know if she is asking for help, could have told her what I know about addictions, PEAs, etc, but I didn't - I still can though.

She tried to interact with me a couple of times throughout the rest of the day, but I could't pretend. She slept on the couch.

We spoke quickly about the kids schedules this week this morning. I am going to stick with only that - though she is trying to have normal conversation again.

In my mind when I say this doesn't work, she will say you are right and she will leave. We both can just get on with our lives separately. just that easy. But she always counters.

I am looking for the timing to tell her that I am not going to cover for her or lie for her any more, or be her friend....

I am struggling with details of how to handle things - dinner as a family. I don't want the kids to do without this, but don't want to give W the impression that everything is ok again - she takes advantage of that. I don't want to play games.

We still need to speak about the logistics of a separation. And how to cover the finances. I intend to move my pay to a new checking account and transfer money to the common one for half the bills (with proof of where the money is going).