I'm just utterly gutted right now :(

[25yearsmlc]

What were the other problems that she would bring up that you swept under the rug? I understand you were afraid, but you can obviously see that didn't help.

It all centered around first her mom dying and me not being there. I have apologized for this 10000 times over the last few years. She has issues with forgiving and forgetting, she still brings up minute issues from 10+ years ago so that is always a huge impediment. She had a crappy childhood (parents divorced when she was like 3 and her dad pretty much disappeared) so i think that plays a lot into her forgiving/forgetting.

Frank, I'm so sorry you are in such pain. But it will help you A LOT MORE to dig deep and own the pieces of this that are yours and to do something radically different this time.

Apologizing to her wasn't wrong but it's not enough. You cannot just "SAY" you are sorry. She has to know that the same thing would not happen again.

That's a big, key difference. That means different behavior on your end.

How are you behaving any differently than before? I mean, seems to me that is what she was looking for since at least 2012, and didn't see enough change to make her believe things could be better/different.

Unless a WAS believes the marriage can be better/different than before,

chances are they won't return to a marriage they left.

The LBSer must demonstrate ways that this marriage can be better/different.

You do that by changing how You interact, how you behave, how you seem to be.


Aside from that, i haven't swept anything under the rug...just recurrent bouts of "unhappiness" and like i said it always would come during periods of other stress in her life and she would confront me about it but it was never from a position of "i'm unhappy, can you help?" it was always just very negative "i'm unhappy there's nothing you can do".

Read your first posts again. You mentioned several bouts of marriage problems, a few times she said she wanted a divorce, and you promised change. But it didn't happy. Evidently you both DID nothing new or different. Did you guys see a marriage counselor or did either of you begin counseling?

The inability to be there for her when she most needed you, (her mom's illness and death) was a huge deal to her, obviously. You have to know that times like childbirth, the death of a parent, or other loved one - are times when a spouse is most needed - and it's when your behavior and words are most noticed. For some, blowing it during those times is just unforgivable. I'm not defending that, I'm explaining.

I point this^^ out b/c you are forgetting the pieces to this that you may be able to do something about.

We have to ponder how you can reassure her that you'd never be "absent" or as you said "not handling it well", but I'm not sure what that means.

Did you withdraw from her or leave the area or what? And when you slept elsewhere for months, what did you DO to change her mind? Did things just fade and not get addressed, and

can you see that merely hoping things faded out, means they may have faded for you, but they were still hurting her?

I mention this b/c you seem unable to see that to HER, this has been dragging on for some time and to HER, she has been "trying" for years to be happy inside the marriage.

This time, you need to show that you can and will change and that things can and would be different and better, and last.



But then a day or two later we would act like nothing was wrong and that was just the dumbest thing we could have ever done. I just am conflict adverse, so it was easier to just let a few days pass and hope things eased back instead of confronting the issues head on.

Often this ^^ behavior is the kiss of death. Problems really do not "go away". Those who say they are "conflict averse" almost seem to think the rest of us like conflict, but that's SO not true.

We just know that without processing and resolving conflicts, they stay and poison our relationships and sabotage our chances of being happy together.

I realize i haven't been a great husband and i realize i have many short-comings but from my POV our marriage should have never gotten to this point.


In what ways were you "not great"? Identify the ways you feel you failed her and if you think they're real, figure out ways to change them asap. For real, for good.

As for how the marriage should never have gotten to this point, couldn't she feel the same way? It sounds as if she was always the one to say the marriage needed work and from your posts, you were the one who did nothing new or different and preferred hoping the issues would go away. Is that a reasonably fair assessment? It matters b/c you are suggesting this is "sudden" but I'm betting she's not seeing it that way at all.


If you know you have work to do, issues to work on, why not start there?

You are all you control in this situation (a much harder concept to accept, but its vital that you remember this at all times).

So your focus has to Stop being on HER - and only be on you.




From the outside looking in, i can't understand how someone can have a spouse that loves them so much, so unconditionally and just shut them off. It seems like anyone should want a partner like that, but she's just walled me out of her heart


Frank, It's easy to start feeling like a victim in this situation. But it does NOT HELP you.
Keep going back to your earliest most honest posts and see your role in this. She seems to have felt shut off from you, in the past.

If you don't see your own role in this, if you keep acting as if this came out of nowhere and just last week, you'll stay stuck.

You need to take action to move forward, demonstrate change, & become the man you always wanted to become (become a man only a fool would leave)


and be the guy she fell in love with. How do you think you can do some of that?




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