Life 2.0 Pt 4

[sandi2]

To her, R talks make her feel closer to me...I don't know how that can be; we usually end up angry at each other. I usually come out of those feeling less optimistic.

Before my A, I would do the same thing. I was disparate to feel a connection with my H. We were not meeting each other's emotional needs. The only way I knew to do to fix things was to talk about it. He would clam up and not say a word or look at me, so I would get even more upset b/c I felt he was not cooperating. It certainly was not the response I wanted from him.

I doubt your angry reaction is what your W is seeking. She feels lost and confused. She can't see hope. Remember, she is not the one here on the board, so she doesn't have the toolbox. In a way, with her still going to you to talk, she seems to still be trying to discuss it and find a solution through the discussion, but IDK. If she wasn't talking about it, I think there would be more to worry about at this particular time.

I think you need to find a better way to respond that won't sound as if you don't care, and won't make you sound angry & cold.

I don't really know where we are at this point. To a certain extent, we seem to be moving past the A. I know he's in her head too much, but they're not communicating.

My OM was in my head for quite some time. She can't just erase him at will. It is part of the grieving and getting over it. Maybe you shouldn't try to gage where you are by your measuring instrument. Like I said, she's still there. Whether you believe she should be doing more or acting better, that is your VP. She is doing the best she can at the moment. Trust me, just staying within the same four walls can be an accomplishment for some WAW'S who have been in an EA.

So, we're kind of in limbo. It doesn't necessarily feel like we're in piecing (I guess it depends on the day).

What does piecing feel like?

The therapist advised us to stop getting into R talks, but that fell flat with her. She's afraid that if we stop talking about our issues then we (meaning me) will fall back into old habit patterns and go back to our bad old life. As if I'm that weak.

Ha! You need to look back at the old threads and see how many men returned to the board saying they fell into old habits after things got better again. It took another bomb for them to get off their lazy a$$es again. So, your W is concerned, and perhaps she has a right to be. After all, just how long have you been this new person? One thing she is not seeing new in you, is how you react to her R talks.

To her, R talks make her feel closer to me...I don't know how that can be; we usually end up angry at each other. I usually come out of those feeling less optimistic.

Seriously? She just told you what it takes for her to feel closer to you.......and what do you do? You discard it b/c it doesn't make sense to you.

I think the woman is craving emotional intimacy and her way of connecting is by talking about the relationship between you. In other words, she wants to hear you talk about her in a positive, loving, and flattering way that will make her feel good, much like you may have done when the R was young. For an example, telling her something about what you thought the first time you saw her. How you felt the first time you started to kiss her. Some of us women like to hear that stuff.

No, she doesn't have good feelings right now, but she is still turning to you, it seems. What if she looked at you pleadingly and said, "Help me. I don't have the strength you do. I am empty and scared. Please be strong enough for both us, until I can get through this stinking withdrawal and depression". I think that's what she is really trying to say, but she isn't using the correct words.

Right now, both of you have raw emotions and it may hard for you to know how to swing the conversation around to where it would sound more loving. How can you build her up without telling her what YOU think SHE should DO? That is not building her up, that is trying to fix her the way you see it.

I suggest the next time you feel her dragging you into a R talk, you just concentrate on not replying with a tart answer or getting angry. Just listen. Let her express her concerns. As 25 yrs says, listen like a lover would. Do you have any idea what that would be like?

I want my life back. I've stopped spending every evening locked in our room with her, talking in circles. If she wants to lay in there and play on Facebook constantly, that's her decision. But I want to stay busy and keep living.

Fine, then don't spend every evening locked in your room with her. It doesn't sound like it was very pleasant talking in circles (which sounds to me that you were do way too much arguing with her and trying to get her to see things your way). But when you are around her, be charming, fun, interesting, happy, etc. Those are qualities that are contagious and lift people's spirit.

I am sure some of us could help guide you in some of those tougher conversations. With some WAW's, I could see cutting her off and walking out of the room and announcing you are not doing it again (R talk). HP's WAW is a good example. But I don't see your W being like his. You can correct me if I am wrong.

If she wants to come and spend time with me, she's welcome. But I'm not going to spend every waking moment hanging around her.

Well thank goodness for that! Why would you believe you should have spent every waking moment hanging around her? Ever heard of giving space to breathe?