I'm just utterly gutted right now :(

[Frank75]

Hi Frank, if you think that, please call your doctor and make an appointment as soon as possible. It's possible to get some medication in the short-term to help with the anxiety and depression, and you won't necessarily need to take it longer-term. It might just help right now.

If you feel in any way you might be a danger to yourself, or even if not, you might want to call a crisis phone line. I don't know what you've available but have a quick google. At one point I called one here that is available for a call for any reason (they handle not just suicide prevention but also depression, divorce, death in the family etc - they basically said if you're upset and need to talk you could call for any reason). It was so incredibly nice just to feel there was someone I could talk to at any time day or night that i needed. I called them in the middle of the night, when I'd woken up crying and couldn't sleep, and didn't want to disturb any friends or family. Maybe you could look into that, if you do want to talk to someone, as i know you mentioned you didn't want to tell your family right now.

There is no shame in going to the doctor for medication. It is not a sign of weakness, but of wisdom. You would seek help for other physical issues. Many, many men here have took medication to help them during this terrible ordeal. You have to be able to sleep, eat, and think. You have to take care of yourself first.

Thanks, i will try to make an appointment this week to see someone. I've been at the point of calling a crisis hotline a few times, i even had the number pulled up but then decided i was ok.