Calibri (3)

[Calibri]

hi all

Thank you for your support. It really means a lot to me. Most of you asked the se
questions so I'll just answer them all here.

1) can I get past this/where am I with all this?

With the Facebook message to the OW. It was in December. This were not good between us in December. The messages on H's end were flirty, but nothing like sexting or anything like that. The tinder thing, that, most likely
No. Had it been Sep-Dec when things were horrific between us, maybe. But to be active on the app, the same day he told me "let's work on things" - no. Absolutely not. And of course, I have no way of knowing what time he was on tinder in relations to having the conversation with me. Yes, he's deleted the app and y friended the OW off Facebook. But it's still there. We had an agreement in our M about no EA, no PA nothing. That if it got to that point, we would have the respect to talk to one another and try and work it out and if it couldn't be worked out, we would seperate. When my H started acting weird in August, I snooped. There was nothing to indicate anything. When he moved out, this wasn't supposed to be a seperation, it was suppost to be a "he's getting his head on straight." And then the spew and anger started. But whe he moved out, I asked him if he wanted to see other people during the seperation and he said no. That he didn't have the emotional capacity to do it. He reiterated that multiple times over the months. And then he got caught. And now he has holled himself up and is refusing to speak to me in any capacity because of his "boundary that his therapist said he needed to set." Which translates to: this gives me the perfect excuse to hide and not have to explain my shitty behavior to you.

2) Where am I at? I'm shell shocked. Numb. Flabbergasted. He lies to me. He knew what my boundaries were and he went past them anyway, seperated or not. He lied to me about wanting to work on things. He led me on because he didn't want to hurt me and so he created a false reality to buy himself time.
Time for what? I don't know. To figure out how to get out of the marriage, to find another woman - so I would file, and he wouldn't have to. I don't know. He's lying to everyone. His parents told me, in their self righteous conversation towards me, that H had warned me at the beginning of out relationship that he had a bad temper (he never did) and that at any point if I felt unsafe, he instructed me to run far away from him and and never come back because he couldn't be trusted
With my safety. (This was never discussed, ever. I have never been afraid of my husband. Afraid for him, yes. Afraid of him, no. Not that I condone physical
Violence, but I am completely self assure that should a physical altercation break out, that I could handle myself. But that's neither here nor there.) H also lies to his parents saying that he had given me multiple chances to reconcile with me,
That we had gone out to dinner multiple times, and talked multiple times and Everytime we talked or for together, it ended up In a nasty altercation. Not true at all. We went to dinner once. We went to lunch, once. He hasn't lost his temper towards me since November. We've had a solid month of good conversations. Were there bumps in the road and misunderstandings, sure. But nothing that his parents are saying. He lied to them about what's going on, he's lied to me. It's all lies.

I just can't, y'all. I can't. I've tried so hard since BD to work on myself and to work on things. I've really started to make some breakthroughs and changing behavior. My H even noticed and commented and said how great of a job I was doing at working on myself. To have the lies, to have his parents tell me we are getting a divorce, to hide when things are going wrong. To lead me down the path of reconciliation with no intent to do so? That's not someone I can be married to. Even if he were to change, even if he completely changed and became what I needed, I wouldn't be able to trust a word that came out of his mouth. And with his parents in the picture, our R would be teetering on the edge of a sword. His parents and the [censored] up relationship that he has with them is more powerful and more dangerous than any OW. In fact, his parents are the OW, in a sense. Have alway interfered, always manipated, always controlled things.
H wants their approval so much that he will sacrifice a marriage fr it.

Speaking of his parents. It took everything I had not to come through the phone and strangle his mother when she told me that I should, "feel lucky that she was telling me that I was getting a divorce, because most people walk out and they never get any closure, and the next time they hear from someone it's from a lawyer." I told her that she must be so proud of both of her sons, because they both walked out of their marriages and she was now financially supporting her grown ass children who couldn't do the decent thing in life, and that my H
Should have the decency to talk to me, and she should
Have the decency to stay out of it, because she was coddling him and encouraging her sons to continue to make shifty choices in life. And that bitch had the nerve to tell me that what my H did wasn't adultery and that I didn't get to Mae the relationship rules. And I told her right back that she didn't get to decide for me what was acceptable to me personally in my
Marriage and that I wasn't making any rules, just expecting common decency from my H.

She also alledged that he had met another woman at work and she was encouraging him to file for divorce. Would love clarification in that. Doubt I'll ever get it.

3) people pleasing/low self esteem. Yes, my H has always been a people pleaser. It stems from low self esteem. Which stems from his mother being a raging alcoholic and drug addict and having to take care of her and parent here while he was a child. SS hit the nail on the head with her post. When he as with me, he was one way, with his parents, another way. With his IC another way. I always noticed how he would morph his personality to suit the group of people around him. When he's around his parents, he becomes really crude and "good ol counry boy" because that's who his parents are. When we were with friends at crossfit, he was friends with a lot of "bro" type dudes and would act accordingly. When he was around me, he took on traits of my personality.

H doesn't know who he is, or what he wants. I believe he desperately doesn't want to be the bad person here, and like Wonka posted, is really back peddling over samantics and what not.

The bottom line is this: H does not know who he is. He may never know who he is. He will stay in the toxic relationship with his parents
Because he wants their love and approval. He will the now me away for it.

I am so much better than this. I love him, I do love him with everything I have, everything I am. But my trust is shattered. I am broken. He has broken me. He is not what I want in a partner. He is not someone who I can trust anymore. Hell, he won't even talk to me. He isn't begging to get back with me. It's all been pretty words and lies to buy himself time to figure out how to get out of this.

He's made many mistakes in our marriage. Things that lesser people would get divorced over. And I always gave him the benefit of the doubt and have him second chances. And the moment he started being unhappy in our relationship, he didn't have the strength to speak up. Instead he checked out and blames me and eventually melted down and destroyed everything in the process.

He gets to walk away and leave behind everything. Me. Our dogs, our house, our lives. It's all collateral damage to him. He gets to go out and do whatever he wants. He has mommy to bank roll him.

I'm left behind trying to figure out how to out our house on the market, where I can live, how to do this all.

How to start my life over.

(PS, I typed this all on my phone so please excuse errors and what not)