Calibri (3)

[Sotto]

So, in terms of the 6 reasons above, advice is as follows:

1) Doesn't have tools. Don't reinforce the stereotype, telling him to 'man up,' 'grow a spine' or similar. Encourage him to open up and express his feelings. Model what he should be doing. Acknowledge and name the feeling you are seeing. 'I know this is difficult, painful, overwhelming etc.' and persevere. Sit with him and witness these difficult emotions. Don't try to rescue or attack. Let Pandora's box be opened.

2) Lying. Take everything he says with a HUGE pinch of salt. (I hate you, I'll do anything to save our M.) If he's routinely lying to you and himself, how can he know how he feels? Best to live with the uncertainty for a while, rather than being let down, or swallowing what he says whole and turning a catastrophe into a crisis.

3) People pleaser. This behaviour goes back a long way probably - he may still try and appease his mother. If you become assertive yourself, it is easier for him to become assertive. And next time you find out about 'secret texting to OW', don't think 'this is the end' think 'what else would he do, he's a people pleaser.' It's hard to turn from a people pleaser into an assertive person and will take time.

4) Technology - Most couples could benefit from a rethink about smartphone etiquette. Not when we eat, go on a date, in the bedroom etc..We're tethered to our phones and may be on call 24/7. We are often 'absent' to those we are with. Where M is in crisis, or after an A, it's important to agree technology boundaries. But if your S agrees to stay off SN sites after an A, don't sit there browsing FB yourself.

5) Shame - keep any criticism/concerns specific and targeted to the behaviour. Use the formula - I feel....when you....because. Eg: I feel annoyed when you come home late without calling, bacause I don't know when to eat. Also, follow up with reassurance - I know you're a good man etc. Don't get trapped in a downward shame spiral where your complaints prompt more of the same 'medicating' behaviour. Eg: I'm a bad man, unlovable, so I'll start dating online to get affirmation and approval.

6) Fear - Why doesn't he just stop running and face his fears? Problem is, you're also frightened, and you lash out or make threats. Best to wait until you can calmly discuss your fears and ha can express his. Remember, he is just as frightened as you, and if you can find common ground - acknowledging you are both in a fearful place - you lay the foundations for tackling this as a team.

Hope this is useful to someone. Toots x