Ganb8te 4 - Putting on my giraffe ears

[gan]

No developments on the R front. Just journalling really...

It’s been a bit of an interesting week with the old processing system. I think I’ve arrived at a place where I am comfortable with just being. I used to struggle to understand how I could balance HOPE with NO EXPECTATIONS of a particular outcome, and in the last week or so I think I somehow stubbled into it. I’m comfortable with the feelings and emotions coming and going, acknowledging that they are there and curious to see where they lead but not attaching too much meaning to them in the moment they arise. Reading that back, I’ve just realised it sounds like something out of a mindfulness book. I get it now. I feel it! That’s pretty amazing really.

Me bringing work stress home was an issue in our M and so one of the 180s I set myself early on was to learn to sooth myself so not to dump it all on my spouse at the end of the day. There were a couple of times at work this week when I felt challenged. I probably didn’t handle them as best as I could, but when the rough moments hit I took active steps to question my thoughts and feelings and talk myself down from a wound up place. I still need to work on this but it was interesting to see that process swing into gear. When I was explaining some of my work-related issues to my IC a while ago she challenged me with the question “What’s at stake?” I’ve since realised that most of the time the answer is “nothing,” which is to say most of the time its all in my head and I’m just taking things too personally (ISTJ personality shining through there).

I went to my other IC yesterday (hair dresser). She knows all about my sitch and my journey. It sounds like she’s been through a lot in her life as well. Over the years I’ve been going to her I’ve picked up that her brother died years ago with addition issues, her mother died a few years ago, she has an awful step dad who still treats her badly, and she divorced a decade ago though says she’s never been in love. But mostly she just validates me and the journey I am on and expresses her admiration for how I’m handing things. Every time I get my hair cut I leave feeling good about the path I’m on. She’s also contributing to the external expression of this journey - I’m sporting a new hair cut, new colour and we even discussed going long. Favouring practicality over fashion trends, I currently have short hair, so going long would be a bit of a change for me. She’s also teaching me that it’s ok to do things that make me feel and look good. Still not willing to try the free 24 carat gold facial that another friend signed me up for though.

Last night I went to a party with some new friends. There’s a couple of 180s in there - challenging myself to say yes to things I might have turned down before, and make my OWN friends. I “knew” about 5 people at the party (not very well, yet). It was a fun night with lots of champagne + dancing (= no hangover). It was nice to get the external validation that I’m looking good, appear to be doing well. Everyone tells me that actually, so I guess it’s good that I come across that way even though I don’t always feel like it. One woman commented on how she thought it was so good that I was out doing so many things (based on what she see’s on my FB). I was thinking to myself - oh, you mean GAL? Does anyone else have that problem? It’s a matter of time before I drop DB lingo in one of my conversations. I’ve come close to saying “sitch”, “walk away wife” and “GAL" a number of times.

Several of the single ladies last night have been in the dating scene for years. Some have been in long term relationships but not married, and there was one lady who was divorced with 2 young kids. They confirmed what I suspected - the dating scene is tough in the city where I live and Australian guys are a bit meh. One lady was currently dating a guy who divorced a long time ago, was in a 4 year relationship that ended 18 months ago…and yet had recently been over to that woman’s place to paint her house. Sounded very complicated to me. The lady who was divorced was debating whether to go home with a guy she met at the party. I don’t really know the guy but he did attend another party I went to a while ago. If she did go home with him then that would be two for two in my book. Also, I was curious to learn that guys use both eHarmony and Tinder here - it’s common for them to have profiles on both sites.

All this reinforced to me that I still want my M to work out and I’m willing to do the work to see that it does. But...I’m also open to new things and meeting new people. I’m not going to do anything to specifically seek that out at this point, just saying that if the right guy were to cross my path then I think I’d be interested in getting to know him a little better. There’s peace in knowing that.

So in all, I’m pretty content with things these days and ok with the uncertainty of the situation.

It must be about time for H to make contact just to shake things up again...