pain meds, depression, separation turning bad

[gan]

Hey Zelda, I just wanted to throw out a few ideas that may or may not be helpful. I only offer them because I went through a lot of the same thought processes as you and have come out the other side feeling pretty ok even if things aren't clear on the R front.

- I've invested 15 years in this relationship and like you, in the early days post BD I found myself thinking it was all a waste. But then I realised that wasn't true. Many good things happened in those years and there is not much I would have changed about it. That chapter of my life is already written and I'm pretty pleased with how it turned out actually. The next chapter may take a different direction. Some characters might leave the story, other new ones may be introduced...but it's all ok. In the end this has made me realise that we all need to cherish each and every interaction we have with people who are important to us, as no one knows what's going to happen when we turn to the next page.

- Like you, I feel like I was the drive behind us taking the step from de facto to marriage (10 years into the R; there were visa issues there, too) and again with the child thing it was me who was trying to steer that ship. I found some of the stuff by David Schnarch on how there is always a high-desire and low-desire partner for every issue in a M useful for finding peace with this. I assumed the role of high-desire partner on issues like marriage and babies, while I assumed the role of low-desire partner on issues like sex (which is not to say that I didn't desire sex, just didn't desire sex as much as H). The low-desire partner controls the outcome. Which is to say, unless they work it through and decide they can overcome the issue then what they say goes. Our Hs gave us the M because they worked it through and decided they could live with that decision (at the time). If they didn't, well it wouldn't have happened. If they are saying otherwise now, well - believe half of what they say...

- Related to the above, I took a long hard look at the child issue in the early days post-BD and settled on the feeling that I could be quite content not having children. I can have a perfectly fulfilled life in other ways. And that's a funny thing, since it was such a big issue for me before BD. I successfully managed to drive a wedge between H and I because I wasn't willing to let something go, even though I now realise I was. In other words, I was confronting H about this and seeing him as the issue, rather than confronting myself and figuring out what I was really willing to live with. Again, the stuff by Schnarch helped me get here. ***The child thing is is a big issue and you need to work it through. Happy has some good advice***

- Our Hs are lost. What a dreadful place that must be. I have always had a pretty good idea of what I wanted in life, my H not so much. That would be difficult, no? I truly believe he didn't want to end up in this place, just as much as I didn't want to. Knowing this makes me feel love and compassion for him, rather than anger and resentment.

- If I'm being really truthful with myself, then I predicted my H and I would find ourselves in this place. If you've read my whole sitch then you'll know that there are some background issues with my Hs family as well. When his parents divorced when he was 25 and he seemed not to be able to cope with that (even 10 years later he still largely rejects them), I wondered what that said about his ability to deal if things got tough between us. We even talked about it and he thought nothing of it. And here we are. I've come to realise that my willingness to continue the relationship was really about me accepting him - including his good and bad parts. We have sensitive Hs who - even if lost in themselves - do what they can to make us feel ok (sometimes at their own expense). There's something pretty loving, if not sustainable about that. If H and I ever get the opportunity to work though that dynamic I think we could have a fantastic relationship.

Have you read Labug's story? It's a long one but full of inspiration. The primary goal she set early on was that she didn't want to wind up being an angry divorced woman. So she went about doing things to ensure she didn't end up in that space. Highly recommend.