Calibri (3)

[Zelda09]

C, first - damn. WTF indeed. I am angry for you. Been wondering where you've been...I'm sorry to hear all you are going through.

I can't say that I know how you feel, but your H's actions remind me of a certain someone. Mine told me at one point initially while we were talking about how to behave during S, dating other people - "well, isn't that the point, getting to know other people?" He backed off of that, agreed we wouldn't tangle things, but then mentioned again what he needed in his life (not what he wants to GIVE anyone else)...the savior, the manic pixie dream girl (not his words, but my interpretation of what he told a friend - someone to help him explore his triggers, someone gentle - basically a mom/counselor to finish helping him grow up)...I am expecting my H is hiding similar dirt while claiming to figure himself out. I think, as many faults as we want to recognize in ourselves - look, you're here, you're doing the work...certain men keep looking for another relationship to supplement the one they don't have with themselves.

I am biased, typing this. But you were one of the first people I identified with on this board, and your early words meant a lot to me. I think this is b.s. This thing with his parents...so there are three people that don't have any maturity and dignity in handling this? Here's me being morally judgmental and critical, and damn it, I'm going to hold to it - good parents would tell their son to man up and communicate with his wife in a respectable manner, and refuse to get in the middle of a mess he rightfully needs to clean up and handle.

Tonight I ran into one of H's best friends, our friend, in a parking lot...and he told me this - "yeah, I heard from H, but I don't want to talk to him. He sends me stupid texts, and I'm angry at him for the stupidity he's handling all this with. There's nothing I can say to him. You are his wife, what does he think he's doing right now? He thinks he's going to do better, what is he gaining by walking away from you, his life? He's not 20 anymore. You deserve better. And I can't believe it's not you walking away." I told our friend, ok, but WAH had his reasons for giving up too, and there were two sides of this. And the look he gave me - I wish I could bottle it, put it into words, and send it to you as a gift.

So, dear Calibri - yes, I believe you also deserve better. You certainly didn't deserve to be jerked around like this after all the time and patience you've put into saving your M. I imagine you as a smart, strong sarcastic and loving woman and I hope in your future you are loved in return with the same fire. If it is a better and changed version of your H and that is what you have the will to hold out for, as you hold to your goals, you'll have the support here. But I am sure you also have support here if you can't get past this.

His actions, choices... you know they have nothing to do with you and your value as a partner. This is a reflection of who he is and his character. It says a lot to yours that you've hung in this far.

Hugs, big ones.