Look, I know you're hurt and broken hearted, and probably 10,000 other things because given all you've faced it'd be insane for you not to be.
Here's my observation...
He is unequipped and ill-skilled to make ANY adult decisions. It's not that he's a people pleaser, it's that he has no scruples and has absolutely no idea in the world who he is, what he stands for or what he wants.
Does he have a favorite color without someone telling him what it is? Has he always been like this or just recently?
The thing with a Tinder is total BS. You caught him red handed in a bold faced lie and now he's claiming "oh but I'm a people pleaser".
Give me a break. This man is so broken, Calibri. I know you love him with everything you have. I know. The reality is, he doesn't have the capacity to decide on loafers let alone what's best for his life.
When he's with you he says he wants to work on things.
When he's away from you he's signing up on a tinder.
When he's with the therapist he now needs boundaries and a mediator for any kind of communication with you.
When he's with his parents he's been lying to you about his needs because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings.
He can't think for himself, decide what HE wants.
This has nothing to do with whether you're meeting his needs or not, he doesn't know what his needs are because they change depending on whom he's around!!
He is in such a hole and has no idea how to get out.
The key here is how you're going to care for YOU.
I would start serious NC because contact is clearly not helping and he's using you as a crutch. He is grasping at straws to find the one person or action who is going to save him from his hell of a life but he doesn't see that only HE can do it.
Give him time to figure that out. Maybe he won't but being there to walk him through it isn't helping YOU.
Don't pursue. Don't contact. Work on you. If he contacts you, be kind but don't engage. Don't make plans. Don't visit. Seriously. It's not going to help your situation.
Calibri, this DB thing is NOT about him. It's about YOU. Where are YOU in this thing??
