Surving the rollercoster

[Karma12]

Thanks Mom22,

I've done a ton of reading and self growth over my life time. I came from a troubled childhood. My Mother as lovely as she was was a chronic Alcoholic and my Father was stressed, angry and emotionally cold. I had three younger brothers and quickly became the parent child. I from the age of 9 remember cooking and taking care of my younger brothers. I would clean so it looked like my Mum did it and try and keep the peace in the house. My Dad would get violent when my Mother drank. Today we would have all been removed from our home.

My first marriage I tried to fix what my parents did wrong. I didn't marriage a drinker but he had anger issues. I had been conditioned to accepting unacceptable behavior. We had four kids together and when he was losing his temper and putting my children at risk. I left. The final straw was when he threw the kitchen table because he couldn't find his keys. My daughter then three was standing new by and could have been injured. She told everyone " my daddy had to leave because he threw the kitchen table." I didn't want my boys growing up repeating this behavior. I was already emotionally detached. It was not easy and he tried initially to make it as hard as possible for me. I was on my own with four kids 3-9. He behaved like most and begged and pleaded now promising to change. He did eventually get help for his anger when he lost his fiancée ( after we were divorced) due to his anger too. Now he has a good relationship with our kids and is a happier person.

I know that my second H. Did love me. He inside is full of insercurities. I think he also partially envied me. He said to me once " everyone always loves you" and it wasn't said nicely. I know he was depressed before the affair. He had lost his Father ( his only living parent) lost his job, found out his Step Mom robbed the Will. He couldn't cope withdrew took it out on me. I wasn't happy either getting next to nothing emotionally from him. When he met his AP she filled his ego. Like many from that area she just wanted to move to Canada and he was ripe for the picking.

My SD is dealing with all the same things that drove me crazy. Constantly waiting. Waiting for him to have time, real time to spend with her. He'll call her and say he'll be home in ten mins. She knows that means an hour. She knows he's late for everything and everyone. That's also where the ADD comes in. They can get so focused or obsessed with something they are doing they lose all sense of time. For years he spent hours and hours researching law to fight for his daughter. Now he is fighting his STep Mom over his Dad's Will spending hours and hours doing that. His DD died of colon ca and she convinced him to change his Will right before he died. Threatening to leave him if he didn't.

I used to say to H. I don't need a lot but I need something from you. I'm a pretty independent person and would go ahead and do things with or without him. He is going to find himself repeating his same patterns over and over again. He's great at the start of a relationship but is unable to carry through. I said to him you know when I have patients that are really sick and dying they are not calling out for their lap tops. I can tell you Mom22 I have had many sad lonely male patients call out for their ex wife or have their ex wife show up to help them at the end. Very sad pathetic waste of their lives.

I know that I was a good wife. Not perfect by any means but a good wife. I deserved the same in return. I am at peace knowing I did everything possible I could have. I have a sweet little dog named "Charlie" she is always happy to see me and is my cuddle bunny now at night. Lol Onward and Upward