I am trying to remember that feelings come and go. I am experiencing anger and resentment right now. For years that seem wasted in agonizing over his inability to define who H was going to be the next day. For a proposal that was ridiculously lazy and only happened bc I was like s*** or get off the pot. I don't see a lot of hope in him right now. I don't want to look back and feel like I wasted another good year on hope when, as much as he loved me, he never truly believed in much of anything. I am angry, hearing my own thoughts- when he told me he didn't understand the point of marriage, I should have believed him. For all the red flags I ignored bc there were so many good things I loved about him. For ignoring the relationship he had with his mother, sister, and thinking that age old advice didn't apply. The vows we took, that we would talk together through all things and the hatred he treated me with, the day he flipped me off and I lost my temper bc I tried asking what was wrong. Thinking I could make him happy. I think he's done the minimum all year to keep a status quo so he could find a new start when a settlement was in sight. After 3 years of me supporting him.
Happy - I googled it. Doesn't make me feel better about anything!
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
