Calibri (3)

[Calibri]

Well. He talked to his therapist. His therapist said we have issues communicating and that we shouldn't talk unless their was a mediator present. H's therapist told him that before and he thought it was malarkey. Interesting now how he wants to follow it when he got caught doing things he shouldn't.

H sent me a text message basically saying he wasn't going to talk to me without a mediator, but he was open to us going to therapy to "see if we could sort ourselves out." He is refusing to even acknowledge me in any sorts of communication. I got a "I know this isn't fair, but this is my boundary and I'm enforcing it."

He's suddenly all about his boundaries, but my boundary of not talking to other people while we were married and separated? Well, apparently boundaries can be picked and chosen to suit around here. I am deeply hurt that he is refusing to speak to me. My world gets blown up, again, and then I get left out in the dark.

I am flabbergasted. How does one go from wanting to work it out, to getting caught, to all this?

I'm being played. Played by someone who doesn't know what they want. Played by someone who is so deeply embedded in their own sorrow amd problems. Someone who continues to lie to me. Someone who blames me for their problems.

I'm in a rock and a hard place. I feel like I should file for legal separation so I can protect my assists and assure that I am protected. H doesn't have a pot to piss in, but I do. I don't want to be responsible for anything he might do. I know however, if I file, H won't work on anything.

But on the other hand, I don't want to be divorced. I love this man with everything that I have and then some. But I can't be married to the person he is right now. I don't think that he knows what he wants. I don't think he may ever know what he wants. I think he wants me to be the bad person and pull the trigger. I think he wants to be set free so he doesn't have to feel obligated to work on anything.

I do not know if I can come back from this. And I know, compared to other people on here, what I'm going through is small, small potatoes. The lying, the bs, it's all too much.

I thought we were making small steps. I thought we had a shot. I was open to seeing how this might play out.

I am such a fool. Such a damn fool.