MLCer and EA w/ OW

[Jer2911]

So she's doing some laundry and packing for her trip... Earlier today she was a tad bit Monster-like, but now she's being very nice...

I beginning to feel more emotion over this than I wanted to... I was doing really well until probably yesterday... and now I'm just feeling really sad about this... So sad that the person that I have loved for nearly 10 years -- the person who has been the most amazing love of my life, my best friend, and a soulmate -- has changed so dramatically (what seemed like overnight) and is now about to embark on a trip that is the most painful thing anyone has ever done to me. Up until about a day ago I was able to detach enough -- I was seeing the person who is going on the trip as someone else -- not my W, partner, best friend (who would never do something like this to me or our kids)... But now it's getting real...

After she leaves tomorrow there is no turning back... Her long-distance EA with a much younger woman will become a PA, and even if it isn't a sustainable A, it is still happening. I know that I am already a different person than I was 3 months ago... And after this trip, I will definitely never be the same person I was before BD.

Trying very hard to stay focused on the present moment (trying to implement a technique from a book on meditation that I read recently to help with that) and just spent about 45 minutes playing my guitar (I'm not great, but it's a fun, semi-private stress reliever) while W and S play together downstairs. Our other 2 kids are at a friend's house for a playdate and I'll be going to pick them up in a couple of hours then later we are all going out to dinner as a family (ha!)...

Not exactly sure how I'll feel after she leaves tomorrow... I'll have to keep it together for the kids because she'll leave in mid-afternoon... I know there will a tiny bit of relief from just not having to deal with her mood swings for 10 days (she is definitely a Jekyll/Hyde MLCer), but always in the back of my mind will be the reality of where she is, who she is with, and what they are doing... :-(

Trying hard to hang in here... I know in the end I will be okay... Just having a hard day/moment right now as this becomes more real...

Still keeping up the prayers that she will have some moments of clarity and WTH am I doing while she is on this trip...