Train, thank you for such great post. It is first hand experience that brightens up my actions.
I am not snooping into my H's life now. I saw and confirmed what I wanted to know. It was awful but I am not feeling stupid anymore. Sometimes H came full of love, cried on my shoulder, showed himself weak and confused, said that he had feelings for the OW but never been physically with her. I kind of believed him. I tough that maybe he had an EA and was just confused.
But something in my gut was telling me I needed more info about this and I got and also made sure he knew I saw him and OW together. So, no more lies.
About my health, I agree that it is very important and no more intimacy from now on. As a matter of fact, the last time we were intimate was by Christmas. Thinking now, he was probably physical with OW by then.
My boundaries are set, he can't toy with me anymore. I will talk to him only when I am ready. I won't allow him to came and go to just fulfill with good feelings his bloody sense of guilty. If he talks about the kids and the subject is important, then I will answer him or talk to him about, if it is not important, I will ignore it. I already chose a L to start working on my legal separation and it will give me the financial independence I need and will avoid any risks regarding the security of my children and myself.
I have been working on myself. I have an IC since september last year. Have been working on my two main issues from my childhood: the spanking and the sexual abuse. It is going well, most because I realized that it is not my fault and starting building the "Worthy" sense into myself again.
I finally changed religion. Not totally, I am still a Christian, but no longer go to a Catholic church. I got baptized on a Christian Evangelical Church and I have been very happy with my decision. I find that God is closer to me now.
I have been forcing myself to go out and see people. To dress up and put a make up on everyday. And for my surprise, I have been enjoying it a lot. I feel prettier, sexier, I feel smart and enjoyable. I have been feeling like I am myself again. And your are totally right, I am a very sweet person, I have a big heart that help others, care for others. But I have this spicy side of me, very crazy. I like techno, hip-hop, crazy music and like it loud, I like what is not planned, like road trips to unknown places. I like love stories, tragedies, everything intense. Basically I am two persons, and the combination of the two is me, unpredictable, ready to tackle the next chapter, full of energy to move forward. I actually always told H that even if I want I can never destroy myself because there is something inside me that is thirst for life, that wants the adventure, that enjoy the ride.
Your story is sad and heart breaking. But as you say, it served well for you to grow into the person you love. It also allow yourself to find out your worthy and determined what you alone wants for yourself. You are amazing.
I don't know what life will bring us. All what I know now is that I need to make peace with myself, accept what is going on and take myself to a better place. I have some things I need to do in order to get my life back to normal. Have a normal schedule and deal with my future.
I have some plans, things are working on my favor. Will move into full time work schedule very soon. Need to register to get my Orthotic Certificate so I can see my own patients. I am hitting the gym about 5 times a week, even if it is late at night. My kids are doing good in school, my S20 is in a period of trial without medication for his mood swings and is responding very well. He is also working on all the legal paperwork for his company.
Slowly but surely, my life is getting back to order. I like it when I have order around, I feel comfort this way.
I will succeed because I am a warrior, I fought life before and put myself in a better place. I still feel the sting inside my gut, it is still bothersome to think about my H with OW. I catch myself thinking how they make love, does he does everything he did with me? Is he kissing her the way he kissed me? Is he making plans to move in with her sometime? Does he talk nasty about me and picture me a worse person in the world? How happy they are together?
I now decided that every time I start thinking about these stupid things, that I will say a prayer and try to get those toughs away from my mind. It does not help my cause and it just depress me further. It is hard, but if I exercise enough then I have a chance to succeed.
I noticed that after confronting my H, fear is not a big issue anymore. I do not fear him anymore or anything he wants to do. My fear became determination, and I like it.
You are a prove that M can work again after a separation and an A. However, I do know that many M end and that is it. Right now I do not have much hope. I don't know exactly if I am being honest with myself. I feel that I am thinking there is no hope, to just protect myself from another fall. Maybe it is too early to think about this. I need to take this time and make myself a better person.
Again, thanks for the post, it was very helpful to read all those painful but hopeful words. You are an amazing fighter and an awesome person.
