Surving the rollercoster

[Karma12]

Hi 25yrs thanks for checking in and for all of your wise words.

I actually think that H. has ADD. I was the longest relationship H. Had and his only marriage. He didn't marry the bio Mom because she was addicted to coccaine. She was a legal secretary and he didn't know about the addiction when they met. They broke up and she went to rehab. While in rehad she contacted him and said she wanted to see him and share her experinces. He took her out on a day pass and she got pregnant with SD. She did use a few times while pregnant. They tried getting together again but it didn't work. Bio Mom did stop using and SD became her life. Bio Mom fought H tooth and nail over access. She was also DX as a Borderline Personality disorder. If you know anything about them you can imagine the conflict.

H. was good for all of our dating years. He was loving and engaged with me and SD. We were together for three years before getting engaged. We married six months later and the first two married years were good. ( other than the stress of the trial ) It was the last two that things went downhill. Especially the last year.

I agree that when the fight for SD ended and she was living with us full time H. was looking for as you said a new shinny something to focus on. Looking back part of it was all about winning. He was doing things with SD because he wanted her to want to live with us. Once she was he wasn't being the parent I thought he should be and he had been so I was thinking "what the heck?! " . I was becoming the primary parent.

I have four adult kids. 32-25. My daughter is 25. It was after I tried in the last year to get H. to re engage and after I tried to get him to seek IC or MC and after he had been not treating me the way I deserved for at least a year that I threw in the towel. I chose to leave. The final straw was he told me he was miserable in our relationship but refused to do anything about it. I told him you are miserable period and blaming me. I told him you are not treating me or our relationship with any respect. After all the support I gave you to gain custody of SD you owed it to both of us to at least try. I said to him that I am a role model to both of our daughters and I don't want them to think that the way you have been treating me is acceptable.

H. told SD that I was moving out ( without me present ) because I wanted to move closer to my cousin. I was met when I came home by a tearful SD asking if this was true. I told SD that no that want true. I told her that unfortunately her Dad did not love me in the way someone is supposed to when they are married. I told her that i had to leave in order for me to be happy. I promised I would not abandon her and would always be there for her. I involved her in my condo shopping and decorating. She slept with me every night until I left.

I am very close to my kids and see them often. My daughter lived with me for the first six months before moving in with her BF. I found it a big adjustment suddenly being an empty nester. I was going through most of my grieving in the first six months. I was most hurt by the betrayl. It's funny you mention thinking of H. As having passed away because I have used that analogy in my own mind.

I never stayed home and boo hooed. I have been through a lot in my life and do have pretty good coping skills. I went to Vegas, Mexico and the Carribean the first year. Last year I went on a Mediterranean cruise for 2 weeks. I go out with friends or and family. My kids and I are very close and love getting together. I workout many times per week. This year I'm hoping to take SD and my daughter to Mexico in July. Then go myself to Scotland in Sept. I was born there and my second eldest is living over there with his girlfriend.

After the H. And his AP broke up and he was more engaging with me it did trigger those old feelings and I did think maybe he had woken up. Now after our talk and after seeing the way he's been putting SD on the back burner to go date. It has made it much easier for me to detach. His behaviour especially towards his D. Disgusts me. He won't change now unless he goes for therapy. I haven't texted him or contacted him at all since Jan 1. I went through SD to arrange her coming over or she called me. I did see him when he picked her up. I was friendly but not any friendlier than I would be to an neighbor.

I did talk to SD. When she was here the other night. Thats the night she told me her Dad had come home at 630 in the am and tried to lie about it. I told her his behavior is not normal and is wrong. . I said it has nothing to do with you, it has nothing to do with me. There is something not right with him. I said you can't fix him and neither can I. I tried. He needs help that is beyond us. I said I know he loves you as much as he is able to love someone. I don't want you thinking you need to wait for love. You are love able and deserve more. I told her I love her and she has my whole family's love too. I said I will never regret meeting your Dad because he brought me to you. I told her I was sorry as I knew she had been hopeful seeing her Dad moving closer to me before his latest fling. I said I deserve to be happy too so I have to move on from your Dad now.

Im actually a people person. I don't like to be alone for too long. As long as I'm busy and have stuff to do im actually pretty happy. I Have always taken care of myself. I'm in pretty good shape and have never had a problem attracting men. Sometimes I think I'd like to date and sometimes I'm not so sure. I was married for 11 yrs the first time and spent almost 10 yrs with my second H. I like living on my own now. My place is great. I am out a lot so there will be opportunity in the future.

H. Still needs to pay me out some $$ by July once he does I will file for divorce. SD. does know she will have more say in the next year. She knows she can come to me or her Grandparents if she needs to. She's coming to my place for my sons bday dinner on Sunday.

Thanks again 25 yrs. your input is greatly appreciated. Yours too Mom22. I'm sure you can apply some of 25s advice to your sitch too.