Strong EA after 2yrs M - trying to detach. #3

[Complex]

Yes 25yr, I know some of the people I will stay friends with. Like her cousin and the 'adopted' brother she has. He's a family friend who is very close to me and basically lived with her father for years bc he didn't have a family himself.

Nice to hear some more of your story too!!!

And I'm the person I want to be and one that I always was and I would not talk bad about my M or my W or whatever in front of anyone. That's the old and new me. And I'll come across strong and mature like this too.

I know 25yr you crossed out the lines with the sins etc. The thing is I wrote it in a very clear mental state, when my heart was really wide open, without any hard feelings. I was very calm, so maybe it came across wrong. But thanks for hammering it in me again. I take your advice very serious.

Let's not forget that my M isn't over, although it's sinking through that the end is very near. But even if the D or LS will happen, who knows maybe we will get another chance one day. Maybe we both have to mature more and let life teach us a few more lessons before we are ready for this. Or we just stay friends.

I'm too philosophical today. Assumptions assumptions.
But I feel better today than the last 10. I am finally hungry again


I'm wondering tho how you REALLY look at my case, having this 'outside' view and the experience?

[Complex]

Does someone here has experience with "toxic friends"? Looking back actually when our marriage problems started is the EXACT time frame when my W found her 'new best friend' at work. She called her soulmate etc.
That took away emotional intimacy and she started to share everything with her instead of me..she is the classic example of a toxic influence on M.
Plus friend is D. Has psychological issues, issues with men, 3 DUIs, sex addiction. She also is an "outside" friend, that she never introduced to her old circle of friends.
Anyone experienced with this?

I'll stick with my DB course of course. Just trying to dig a little deeper on that issue. I won't get distracted from my path through it tho, it's nothing I can change.

[Complex]

Of course I know that friend is not the cause, just another factor...

[zew]

Of course, many of us have the same experience.

My W's three best friends right now have 6 divorces among them. But it's natural isn't it. Who else is going to understand and commiserate better with a WAW than someone just through a D. There's a whole lot of sympathetic man hating going on there, I'm sure. And who else is more eager to go out with a WAW and flirt with guys in a bar than a couple of D'd moms. And all the happily M'd friends? They "don't get her", so they've fallen off the map.

It feeds on itself, and that may be a good thing.

But here's the thing. You already know the answer.

I'll stick with my DB course of course. Just trying to dig a little deeper on that issue. I won't get distracted from my path through it tho, it's nothing I can change.

[bdub]

My WAW had a toxic friend also. She really amped up their friendship as she got deeper into the A. She used this friend as an aliby many times. Threw her under the bus over and over again. I would find out later that it was a mutual relationship. The toxic friend was using WAW as an alibyin her own A and throwing her under the bus to protect herself. They had plans to become single together. WAW walked and toxic friend stayed in her M. All along the way toxic friend was coaching WAW how great it was to be single. All from the comfort and stability of her own M.

[Complex]

Just another thing we don't have any control over.
W has such a great supporting family, tried to make her open up to her cousin, she's a wise woman, but W decided to not open up to anyone.
It's all a decision we make. I wasn't able to open up too actualky until I noticed it's damn serious.

I start to believe that pretty much only if God is involved in your marriage you'll be able to withstand all the temptations and struggles over time.

[Complex]

Something just happened to me. For the first time in months I was like "What just happened to my life???". I was such a worry free soul all my life, enjoying the moments, my friends and family.
Everything that happened the last few month has this big FOG over it. Everything was so cramped and forced and confused and everything.

Was that similar in your sitch? Life falling apart and the fog just takes over. We can't think clear. When it lifts everything is still super sad but you start to see light. Of course you still have hope, because you are sure you WAS also got lost in the fog.
DB continues but you might actually be able to breathe again and you can "watch" everythinv from above, if you know what I mean. Your ability for judgement is coming back. Still going to be a long journey.

Like 25yrs said, the biggest personal challenge I have is forgiving myself ...

[DaddyLongShanks]

Something just happened to me. For the first time in months I was like "What just happened to my life???". I was such a worry free soul all my life, enjoying the moments, my friends and family.
Everything that happened the last few month has this big FOG over it. Everything was so cramped and forced and confused and everything.

Was that similar in your sitch? Life falling apart and the fog just takes over. We can't think clear. When it lifts everything is still super sad but you start to see light. Of course you still have hope, because you are sure you WAS also got lost in the fog.
DB continues but you might actually be able to breathe again and you can "watch" everythinv from above, if you know what I mean. Your ability for judgement is coming back. Still going to be a long journey.

Like 25yrs said, the biggest personal challenge I have is forgiving myself ...

You will get your mental clarity "fogged" when you listen to and accomidate a WAS who is lying to you and is also only looking out for themselves.

It weakens your mind, you do it out of love automatically, but your mind knows. You get clarity when you remove or back up friends who are no longer being good friends anymore.

You will be OK if you take on a list of goals for yourself outside of her and work to achieve them.

[zew]

DB continues but you might actually be able to breathe again and you can "watch" everything from above.

Yes, yes. Then you get to the point where you are truly detached, and start thinking about what YOU want to do with the rest of your life.

And you realize W will either join you or not, and that all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

In many respects I feel my W has set me free to do a reset. I would never have left her (and I would have been happy), but if she forces the issue, I will choose as wisely I can from the options available.

[Complex]

I totally understand what you are saying Zew.
How did you sitch turn out. I didn't read the whole story.

I'm not gonna lie, I'm still attached. But the fog from the OM exposure is lifting.

My W told me sth after BD. There's truth in it although that's NOT how M works:
"If you really love someone, you have to let them go. If they don't come back they were never yours."