Many times in life, change is motivated by the difficult times in life we encounter. You can see it all over these forums. Our awakening occurs when our spouses walk out the door, or are in a midst of an A. Many of us don't even see it coming, because we were under a false impression.
Initially we all come here to save our marriages. What we learn, is that the change begins with us. We need to save ourselves, because that is within our control. The changes have to be for ourselves and they must be genuine changes.
I believe you know this based on what I have read in your threads. Although you see that change needs to occur, you are paralyzed with fear. Undoubtedly there are things you could have done differently not to find yourself in this situation, but this isn't all on you. Own your part, and then correct it. Her cross isn't yours to bear.
I tell you this, because there is no motivation for your W to change. If you are not part of the solution, then you are part of the problem.
One of the things that held me back early in my second recon, was I felt entitled for all the helll she had put me through. I was making things difficult on her, and in turn making it difficult on us. I was aware of is.
One night we had coffee with some friends who lead a marriage program. I brought this up. The H told me straight up, that I had to own my part, because I enabled her. What could I say? He was absolutely right. That realization made me lose my sense of entitlement.
I want to encourage you to look at how you are contributing to how things currently are, and make changes. Change, can and will be uncomfortable. You gotta trust the process.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
