LT, you are right on. That second paragraph describes it very well. I actually had a post last night, and before I hit submit, I deleted it. I sounded like a pathetic sap. I'm glad I deleted it. It was a down time, but I need to continue to "delete" those thoughts so I can move on.

I thing the bottom line is I am just not sure what to do with myself. I've been here, done yoga, running, working out, reading, writing, talking, sleeping, work, decorating, meditating, all sorts of stuff... but nothing is quite right. I still have this daunting emptiness. But I was better before, so.... I need to figure that out and get back to that.

I still struggle with anger. It is not in my head, it's in my body. I know that sounds weird, but I don't feel angry towards people. I mean, I don't have misguided anger. So, you would never know what's going on inside. But I can feel it, right up to my shoulders. I just don't know how to get rid of it. I feel like I need to have surgery to have it removed.

That's the frustrating thing. The fact that I just want it to go away and not feel it anymore. That I feel like I just can't figure out how to make it better. That I am just over feeling this way and want to be happy and enjoy life again.

I do. I'm not a completely miserable person, and I hate that I probably give that impression. But the quite times are daunting, but often I need to be alone.

On a more positive front... I feel good about the space. It has given me lots to think about. I have not looked out the window at all this week to see where xh is. That is huge. I am not worried at all about him being at hww. I feel nothing about it. Not my deal. I feel like, as long as he still has his mailing address and some stuff there (some of it was from my house) I can easily say.... stay away. It is just a good way for me to keep it in check. Not let my emotions steer the wheel. I can just say, as long as x than there is no y. That's just a starting point for me.

There is an obvious emptiness with this space. Already. It went so quickly, but I can't believe that it has been two months since he left hww. A lot has happened and it has been a total whirlwind.

There have been no more texts unless about kids. So yesterday I hadn't heard from him until after work. He called on his way home to see if he was supposed to p/u d13. She had a game, so it wasn't till later. He has a schedule on his desk and should know this. I know he has been busy at work, but whatev. Then he texted later to ask if s17 wanted to work out with him. He knows that is a no. S17 stopped working out with him one year ago when xh took the weights from the house. (xh used to come here and they would work out together several times a week- apparently hww was uncomfortable with that- so they have never done it again. Too bad- that also cause damage to their r).

So, he called while he was waiting for d13. He said he had been sitting there for over 30 min (since he left the gym) so he didn't have to go back to bil. He just wanted to chat. We talked for about 20 min. Then he was taking d13 to get something to eat and asked if I wanted anything. I said no thank you.

I'm going to go help my mom today. She has company coming for the weekend, and it is hard to get things ready with only one working arm. I am glad to get out of the house, but at the same time, I have to force myself. Oh man, I was always such a "people person" and now I am such an introvert. Like a hermit.

Ha. I just smiled! The thought of me being a hermit is kind of funny. OK, I am heading out. I can't wait to see how I feel when I get back. You never know. Plus the 25 mile drive alone sometimes does something to me.