Surving the rollercoster

[25yearsmlc]

Oh dang it, Karma...

((( ouch! )))

Hi Mom22

I haven't been waiting all this time. I've been keeping busy doing things I like to do. I've been on a couple dates but haven't met anyone special yet.


Date some more, and this time do it with the concept of your X h,

being your EX, as in Former h.

Please do something for me, okay? I just want you to imagine this for 5 MINUTES
ok?

SO, imagine that your x h passed away a few years ago, and your grief has mostly passed.


Imagine that the grief really has been processed...he's gone and you have accepted it...

and imagine now, that even though he's gone, you are happy--


What does that picture look like? Flesh it out in a lot of detail.

What are you doing? Where do you live?

Taking a class? Learning a new language? Still working at the same hospital? Different floor or ward? Dating anyone new? What about someone from work?

Imagine that You are now ready to date "for real", with an open mind and heart, and a great sense of humor.

Where have you travelled lately? Did you take your SD or your other kids?
Imagine a fulfilling life,

without him.. and with you happy...

and now, what of those ^^ things can you do...this month?

I did get hopeful when I saw glimmers of my old H. There is still live there. I do know I have to just keep moving forward in my own life.

I don't get how the a$$ thinks bringing his AP into your home is ok. You would think it would create too much guilt but it doesn't! So disgusting. The fact that he defended her taking something of yours is disgusting too.

What I'm reading here ^^ is that of the many mistakes he's made, only a few have registered in these 3+ years.

You said He's intelligent, and I believe you. So his resistance and whatever conflicts with whats right, is deep & has been winning the internal war.

Not a good sign at all....sorry


I found out about my H having his AP from Eastern Europe move into our house from my SD. My SD came home from a vacation in Mexico to find her DAds new "friend" living in the house.

This is his PAST (reprehensible) behavior, from which he's learned very little. I guess my question is, what's your question? I'm not being snarky.

Earlier, I asked you if you could handle this "Friends with benefits" relationship -

AND Or the "Loving Aunt to a needy/wonderful Stepdaughter" role.

From what I see, those ^^ are still your only options.

He thought she bought the friend story and he had even set up the spare room for his "friend". SD was 11 and not so easily fooled. She realized her Dad must have cheated on me. ( what an awful discovery) she didn't want to tell me so she showed me.

SD was coming to my place for dinner. Her Dad dropped her off but didn't come up. This was odd as he usually did. SD was acting kinda different so I asked her if she was ok. She said is it ok if we go back to my house before we go out for dinner and pick up my asthma med. I forgot it. I said oh ok. We drove back to the house. When we got there she said can you come in with me? I thought this too was odd as she normally would just run in and back out. She opened the door and we stepped in. I felt like something was really off. I noticed a frame on the wall that had had our pics in it now had pics of a strange woman. I heard someone shuffling. The woman was trying to hide in the butlers pantry off the kitchen not realizing it was glass and I could see her! I was in total shock. I grabbed SD and we got back in the car. My son ( thankfully was with us driving) I was bawling my eyes out. SD had thrown her Dad under the bus. She was angry and knew I should know. She didn't realize how hurt I would be. I had no idea what I was walking into. Her Grandma told me later they had talked about how to tell me.


OMG She's so brave and loving!! And how disappointing for her. Karma, she's already endured too much for such a youngster.

You are her ONLY Model for what is acceptable from a man (oh, and her biological mother, whom he never married...)

Are you certain this $#&@ is what you want to teach her is, in effect, acceptable? B/C your openness and not moving on (for real I mean) is

in effect, an acceptance, is it not? Am I missing something?



H. Called my phone constantly after I left until I picked up. I went into the bathroom at a restaurant and blasted him. I don't anger easily but I sure did then. He had the oddasity to tell me he didn't want me making SD feel guilty and I was upsetting SD. I told him you friggin fool your own D just threw you under the bus. Do you think she's stupid? One day Mark my words when she's a teen she's going to throw all this back in your face. That night was worst than BD.

Now he says it was a huge mistake moving AP in. Now he understands why I was so upset. Because ya know he does have feelings for me and thinks I'm great. He just wants to see what's out there and date others with no expectations. Ugh! The craziness of the MLC.

Hey let me make one point here^^ about this "MLC" stuff. There are vigorous debates about it, using it as an excuse or b/c an LBSer wants to hang on to crumbs, etc.

I tend to dismiss some of the labels b/c SOME LBSers hang onto the MLC term thinking that it somehow makes the WAS more likely to return.

I'm not sure 1) there is ANY data supporting that^^ hope/belief; and

2) just b/c someone regrets a mistake 7 or 12 years later, does it mean they were in a MLC? And so what if it does?

What if they were just jerks and took a really really long time to figure it out?

And

3) Nothing says that the MLCer who does "wake up", means he/she learned the lessons they need to learn;

AND OR

4) theres on proof that they improve as partners later on...(none that I know of.)

So My question would be, how do you know it's some type of MLC versus,

the culmination of a long pattern for him?

WHAT IF??

What if Once the utility of your presence (i.e. getting custody of his d) was achieved, you became far less appealing and interesting to him.

As in, "Mission accomplished, what's next?" That's almost like an ADD kid/man who wants the new shiny thing every few years.

Never commits unless he has to (like he would need to, in order to get custody)

I don't mean to suggest he consciously used you for custody, and then dropped you for OW. But at some level it sure looks that way.

You happen to be a great catch, but he's not.

And he never has been...I mean, you guys were in "happy family land" for what, a year? 2years? Out of a decade+...

I am concerned you're holding onto something that isn't what you thought it was b/c you were in love and happy.

Whatever it was, b/c of SD perhaps, you sure have been around a long time. To your ex, you probably appear to be a woman...who remains available to him.

You know, you can still be a great stepmom, forever. That does NOT have to change. And When she's 14, her rights will increase too (are you in the US?) She can ask for more visitations and so can you.

Even if you are biologically unrelated, I have seen step parents granted mandatory visitation.

Maybe that can be worked on without any other expectations on your end and you can be around him as if YOU ONLY WANT his "co-parenting r" with you.

Like you are "Fond" of him b/c hey, he's a good FORMER bf,

and an old buddy you sort of feel sorry for

b/c you know what a great catch YOU are/deserve,

which HE has NOT been for quite some time, and is not now.


I really am in a much better place now. I am pretty happy most days. My home is my solace. I find peace there. One day when the time is right the right one will step into my life.


Well, you probably need to be on the dance floor to meet the dance partner, don't you think? ((Not that you are one of them, but I never understand women who believe they'll "meet someone" but literally don't go where the opposite sex is....just a pet peeve)). I think they don't believe effort is needed, but it is. I don't know how often love "Falls" in someone's lap.

Time does heal all wounds. One day you too will meet someone that treats you the way you deserve to be treated. We are role models for our daughters. We are teaching them what is acceptable and what is not. Big hugs to you.

Karma, you wrote this last^^ paragraph to Mom22...and I could have written it just that way,

to YOU. Your SD is watching you and praying that you'll show HER how to deal with such a setback and betrayal.

You have to model for her that your pain is deep, yes, but it's NOT FATAL

(for you will heal and you heal yourself, it's not "out there"in the universe, it's within you to heal yourself)

AND it's NOT ETERNAL b/c it does end. You will be happy again, laugh again, explore and venture and date AND LOVE AGAIN...

you'll choose wisely & extra carefully (b/c SHE is watching you)

and If & when you meet the deserving male, then you shall give yourself fully, but always in a manner that allows you safety.

The safety of knowing that no matter what someone does around us or to us,

we are not defined by it. We shall heal ourselves and move forward, starting now.

You sound like someone who doesn't mind being alone, but you are also someone still carrying a torch for a man who treated you quite shabbily, for quite some time. And he's not exactly winning prizes for winning you over sweeping you off your feet with proclamations of all that he's learned and realized and is NOW ready to commit and do right!!! Nope, not so much...

I'm not someone who minds being alone, though it's easier for me to say b/c I'd be near my family or close friends.
The one thing I'm sure is worse than being alone,
is wishing you were...

Question: What would you tell your SD if she dated a man like your ex?

Would you want her to marry him and have kids with him?

Would you want her to give up the chance to meet someone else way better suited and a ton more ready for commitment than her "bf" might never be?

B/C to me, you've spent the last several years in a relationship that is not acceptable, and you are here wondering how to get to a place where it is acceptable.

I'm sorry to say ^^^that. God, I really am.
-
The only thing you don't seem to have tried is being truly unavailable b/c you moved on.

Maybe it won't work. Maybe he's not up to it, and never will be for any real time.

But what you have been doing is not getting you the results you need/want. And there is damage being done to the SD -

and your "opportunity costs" (chance of meeting a better partner)

go up every year.

How long are you going to keep paying those costs?