Does anyone have a response to this email that will validate my H's anger about my behavior without saying "Sure H! I'll move out without talking to a lawyer! Sure!" I mean I am sorry and very regretful. It makes my skin crawl afterwards when I realize how angry I became. He just doesn't think I'm sorry. He thinks me getting angry is some sort of "tactic" or a personality flaw that I can control and that I've conned all the doctors into thinking I have a real illness.
And just to be clear, getting angry the way I have in the past is NEVER OK and I am not making an excuse. But I did go and seek help. I realized it was a problem. I'm not walking around going "I don't know why H left! I don't know why he was so mad at me!" I know. But I want him to know and understand that I am getting better and am committed to doing so.
Me: 38 H: 43 Kids: 2,4 T10 M6 BD: 1/14 11/14: H moves out
SS, THANK YOU! ((hugs)) to you as well. I am so glad to talk to someone who has been through this. I do have friends who've experienced a severe hormonal shift after the postpartum period as well. One of my close friends couldn't get pregnant so she and her husband adopted their daughter as a newborn. She told me after my H left that she knows based on her own hormonal issues and cycles that if she'd gone through a pregnancy and then had a newborn to care for, she and her husband would be in a similar situation.
I have so much more to write to you, SS, but I have to get dinner together for the kiddos so I'll write later! Thank you again. This board is so supportive!
Me: 38 H: 43 Kids: 2,4 T10 M6 BD: 1/14 11/14: H moves out
I wasn't sure how to respond to my H's email yesterday of apartment listings. He suddenly has this idea that he should move back into our house from his mom's and be with the kids and I should move into an apartment. Obviously, I think this is a bad idea. Since I didn't know what to say, I opted for now to not respond to the email. So today he came over to see the kids who were both snuggled up on the couch with me when he arrived and immediately asked if I'd read his email. I'm sorry to say that I lied and said I hadn't seen it, but that I would look in a little while. I couldn't tell him the truth, that I saw it and didn't reply or tell him what I really think, which is that I need to get an attorney and also that this separation has been enough change for me and the children and we don't need anymore change in our lives right now. For now, I'm just avoiding discussions like this with him because that angry behavior he talks about, where I break a glass and yell and scream, that comes not only from times when i'm off my medication but from when he provokes me and says just awful, disgusting things to me. I can't believe this guy used to be my husband (I guess technically he still is.) He wore his wedding ring here and then when I was getting some earrings off the dresser I noticed he had it on the ring stand. He is just so odd and I HAVE to detach for my own sanity and to be a good mom to the kids and to focus on finding a decent full-time job so that all he has to pay is child support and we can keep our contact to a minimum. When I was pregnant with my first baby I was chatting with a colleague at work about pregnancy, marriage and kids and somehow she started telling me about her divorce and how awful it had been. At the time her daughter was 15, but she and her husband divorced when the daughter was 2. She said he left to be with an OW and that there was so much anger that when they exchanged their daughter they didn't even speak and that to this day, 13 years later, they still didn't speak or even look at each other during drop offs and pickups. It broke my heart to hear that story. I wondered what that must have been like for their daughter. I also thought that I never wanted to be in a situation like that, a divorce and a bitter one at that. But I literally can't be around my H without erupting in anger over all of this. It's such a unilateral decision. And when I'm nice and treat him "neighborly" he gets agitated and tries to provoke me or says things like "See, you're being nice now. I KNEW you weren't mentally ill. It's just another manipulation tactic." The other day when I came home after he'd been watching the kids I was on the phone with a good friend who was trying to make me feel better about all of this and she said something that made me laugh really hard. I was pulling into the driveway and I literally said, H is looking out the window right now and I can't let him see me laughing because he'll say my sadness and devastation over this whole thing is all an act. That just isn't normal. The more I think about it, the more I prepare to drop the rope, which looks like it will be very soon...
Me: 38 H: 43 Kids: 2,4 T10 M6 BD: 1/14 11/14: H moves out
I have to hop in the shower so I'll try to write more later but I'll just say thins:
He's emotionally abusive.
The fact that your expression of anger or sadness means you're mentally ill and you're afraid to show that you're laughing lest he accuse you of something...
He's sick.
He's manipulating you.
This whole thing is a roller coaster. For everyone. If you're not laughing one minute and crying the next, you're doing it wrong. Lol. His perception of how you express your emotions isn't for him to judge or analyze. Yes, you need a healthy outlet and tools to help you process your feelings but your feelings are what they are. You're not crazy or mentally unstable because you broke a glass.
I need to vent. I hate H right now. My life feels in total flux. I'm having trouble working and am behind on several projects because I keep thinking about my sitch. Normally working would take my mind off of it, but it's really hard to work from home with two little ones running around, whom I adore, but when I bring up to H that I'm a little stressed he immediately runs down the list off all the days he comes to help (3) and all the days his mom comes. (1 day about every other week.)
I know that I'm also tired from the meds. My doctor has me on zoloft, ativan and a sleep aid. I just feel blah. There's no one who really cares about me except my children and my job is to care for them and love them unconditionally. I am SO lonely right now though!!!!!
Enough pity party... I just logged onto a local babysitting website and renewed my membership so I'll be getting new sitters in my area to interview soon. And I put word out via a mom's group I belong to through FB that I am looking for a full-time job. Figure it could be another way to network and I've seen other women get jobs through the group. Going to bed early to hopefully be able to get up and get some work done before the kiddos get up tomorrow.
One more thing—these are my goals for the year: Land a full-time job in my field. Make enough to cover the mortgage so the kids and I can stay in the house. It's a cute little ranch that's actually perfect for a mom and two kids, and I love this house. Before I was on medication and we first moved here, I was freaking out about all the repairs it needed and constantly complained, which H reminds me of regularly when I mention something I like about the house or something I'm enjoying about it. Get back into shape
Last edited by Lorelai; 01/29/1503:24 AM.
Me: 38 H: 43 Kids: 2,4 T10 M6 BD: 1/14 11/14: H moves out
Lorelai, I haven't read all of your story, but I do have a question to ask of you based on a post above. Why are you letting him control you in this way? It sounds like anger has been a problem in the past. If you want to be nice as a 180, then be nice. It doesn't matter whether he challenges it or not or thinks it's manipulation or not. YOU decide how YOU want to change. That change is for YOU to make for the rest of YOUR life regardless of the outcome of your M.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Firstly, I just implemented a new plan. I've written down 5 things I want in my life. They're specific but with general timelines. I read them everyday and guess what... They're going to come to fruition.
Thoughts create. Write your goals down in a positive way, post them where only you'll see them every single day. Read them. They'll come about, or your goals will change. Watch that happen.
Secondly, I want you to get to a place where he is not in your head. Everything you're doing has his voice in your ear. He has a hold on you even when he's not around. Break out of that and find your own voice in your ear. Put it there consciously. Push him out.
Before you sit down to work, grab a pad, a big one, and write every thought that pops into your head about your situation, about him, about what you're afraid of, about what your heart is telling you - write it down. This might be emotional but that's ok, take the time to do it. THEN, put it aside and WORK. You don't need to continue to think about your situation because you just did. The situation won't change with more analysis and thought and worry. In fact, it works better the other way. Give it less energy and it'll slowly unfold. Hold it and grasp it and think about it and it stays stagnant.
You may need to do this every hour, fine. But get it out. Something magical happens when our thoughts have to travel through our fingers onto paper. Leave them there.
In other news, I'm glad you love your house. What a great refuge for you and the kids. It's so important right now to love what surrounds you. That's just wonderful!!
I would not move what out legal advice. Here in BC if you leave the home you can't come back. Find out all your rights. Then make an informed decision,
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
L, hun, detach. You cannot nice your husband back. Not even speaking his LL will work. Even if you spoke Chinese and learned to stand on your head while drinking a glass of water it still would not work.
Focus on yourself and the kids and not on him. Own your $hit and recognize your faults but put it behind you and improve yourself. This is as much your journey as it is his. Learn to love yourself, recognize that you are worthy of love and that you will be ok weather he is in the picture or not.
