My W first told me the same thing. She said that she was unhappy so she told me to move out. I remember laughing at her and said if she was the one who was unhappy, she can leave. Which she did.
Don't leave your home. Once you're out, you'll have no guarantee that he'll keep his promise of paying for where you'll be living. You may think that your H would "never" do that, but you will be VERY surprised as to what a WAS is capable of doing.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
My feeling is that if someone is unhappy, they should move out. As painful as it is living under same roof as W, this is where my kids are and I'm not going anywhere. I believe it will just make things a lot more comfortable for W if I were to leave but it will not happen.
M44, W38 S5,S3 Met - 09/07 Engaged - 2/08 Married - 11/08 New house - 10/13 Bomb dropped - 11/14 EA confirmed - 11/14 PA - strong suspicion WAW Plastic surgeries - 12/14 WAW stopped wearing rings - 12/31/14
I agree wholeheartedly with Ss. She knows what she's talking about
Lorelai- specifically - I would recommend you do two things:
1. See a lawyer. Soon. Your H sounds like he might use finances as leverage.
2. Your posts radiate with stress when you're talking about taking care of the kids. Set up a visitation schedule with H. It should be something you can live with (30% or whatever). You need to do this. You'll feel a lot stronger dealing with the whole enchilada if you can get some relief.
Everyone—Raliced, SS, HopeChg, Mr. Bond, thank you for your input and for reaching out. I've been terrified to take the L step but I'm going to have to. I have so many legal questions. And you're right SS, moving out what just a thought, but it would more than likely backfire. I will ask for more help with the kids and our current babysitter's schedule is really sporadic so a friend suggest I hire a new sitter and use the other as backup so I'm not as dependent on H for help. Raliced you are so right about the stress. I love my kids and I've always wanted to be a mom but I never ever envisioned doing this alone. I HAVE to rise to the occasion though, not to show H I can face adversity but to show myself I can face it because I know I can. Thank you everyone again for your help.
Me: 38 H: 43 Kids: 2,4 T10 M6 BD: 1/14 11/14: H moves out
Just got an email from WAH: (Note, the behavior he is referencing is my anger. I have said I will not discuss anything with him—divorce or reconciliation unless we're in the presence of a counselor. I broke a glass last week when the kids were at his mom's and we were talking about the R. I made the mistake of saying, "So what's your plan? Divorce me and get married a THIRD time (H was married before me, but there were no children and she was the WAS...allegedly...) and start a new family." H said "Sure! Why not?" He also told me if his coworker I'm jealous of wasn't married he would want to go out with her because she's so nice and I'm not. Commence me breaking a glass. Yes, I know it was wrong. I am so angry right now I can't even thing straight some days. Anyway, can everyone please hold back the 2x4s, I realize how much I deserve them, and let me know how to respond to this email? Thank you to anyone who reads this! Lorelai,
I looked around for some apartments that might work and I thought I'd share the links with you. I'm happy to help out however I can. If you see anything you like and want to go look at something this weekend, just let me know and I can watch the kids.
He then listed a bunch of links to apartments.
I think given what's happened with you getting so upset and breaking glasses and yelling at people this is something we should try.I know this is behavior you regret and I know that this is a difficult time for you, but it is not acceptable under any circumstances.
Let me know what you think.
Me: 38 H: 43 Kids: 2,4 T10 M6 BD: 1/14 11/14: H moves out
Have you ever done anything like that in the past? How did your "break" the glass. Did you throw it at him? If not, then tell him that he was intentionally pushing your buttons and that he can discuss things with your L concerning the living arrangements.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
The glass was on the counter and I knocked it off. I am not at all using this as an excuse, but shortly after I had my first baby, this unexplainable feeling of anger overcame me. I was appalled by the feeling and the behaviors that came with it and went to a psychiatrist and saw my OBGYN and they both agreed I had a problem with my hormones, particularly close to my cycle (I feel so embarrassed telling a man this!) but H has never bought it. He thinks there is a flaw in my personality. We went ahead and had our second baby anyway, and my OB was so concerned about the possible hormone issues he kept me in the hospital for a week after my c-section. My fear (which I don't have anymore!) of not being on medicine made me resist it at first, but I did finally go on it after my postpartum checkup when my OB said "You're going to have to go on medication. I can see the depression on your face." But while my H acknowledged the improvements after the medication, it was way too late at that point.
Last edited by Lorelai; 01/23/1510:44 PM.
Me: 38 H: 43 Kids: 2,4 T10 M6 BD: 1/14 11/14: H moves out
One more thing--I was off my medication during the glass incident because of an issue with the refill. It's zoloft, so it goes out of your system really fast. Again not an excuse. but it explains a little.
Me: 38 H: 43 Kids: 2,4 T10 M6 BD: 1/14 11/14: H moves out
I was sitting on the couch reading your post above and after reading your H's email I shot up, yelled "WHAT?!" and hauled upstairs to the computer.
If the emailed spurred anger in ME, I can only imagine what it's doing to you. I'm not a pro. Not by any stretch of the imagination.
I am a newbie and will defer to any and all vets on this, Ok?
He is an instigator. Yes, you broke a glass but let's get some perspective here: Your living arrangements are hostile at best, abusive at worst.
I, too, can be a yeller. I am reactive with my anger, also. When pushed I can hardly recognize myself with things I say in reaction to my buttons being pushed. I am not excusing my past behavior, nor am I excusing your glass-breaking and yelling, HOWEVER, given your current situation, I don't think anyone would have responded better if they'd had the tools.
Breathe. It is understandable for you to be angry. To want to throw things, break them, say horrible things. It is. However, you're an adult and there are other ways, though I'm certain you know that.
Let's get you some tools. Let's fill your tool box with assertiveness, strength, grace, less-reactivity, calm, beauty, self-assuredness, confidence and a dash of general "oh-no-you-don't, MR!"-ness.
His email is poking your wounds veiled behind false "support". Your anger and glass-breaking, as implied by him, does NOT make you a failure. Is it a good idea? No, but only because it doesn't do anything FOR YOU (and is likely not a great example for your kids).
He is manipulative and an instigator.
Here's the big question here:
Do you want to move out?
No? Ok then. Don't move out.
Get a lawyer. Like, right now, make some phone calls. I'd also advice you start documenting but not because you should have it for future court purposes but because your anger is being used against you and I think you should have something to be able to track your progress. You CAN get on top of it. I never thought it was possible but I'm doing it. My anger was a HUGE issue in my marriage and I am not proud of how i handled it at all. I now know what I need, in the moment, to do and give to myself so I don't become that big angry green monster and can respond with compassion, love and assertiveness without feeling like I've given my power away.
Of course I still need practice but I want you to know it's possible and we can chat about it anytime.
I wish I could give you more than a virtual (((hug))) because I imagine you're feeling very overwhelmed.
Ok, tell us...
what are your weekend plans? I suggest that you make some BIG ones. Something fun with the kids and something GOOD for YOU (like get to a book store and find a book that talks about reactivity in relationships). Anytime you are home, you need to be away from H. AWAY. Consider him a roommate. Cut down on your opportunity for him to berate you, speak condescendingly to you... so cut down on his ability to speak to you.
As far as an actual response to his email, I need to calm down myself first before I suggest a response. Maybe a vet will chime in while I breathe.
Hang in there, Lorelai. This is NOT easy but we're here!
One more thing--I was off my medication during the glass incident because of an issue with the refill. It's zoloft, so it goes out of your system really fast. Again not an excuse. but it explains a little.
Yes, it does. I also suffer from hormonal imbalances brought on from having a child. Woman, it's real! Don't let H belittle it. I know ALL about it and know all too well how you feel like you're out of control. It took me a while to realize that I will be taking something for likely the rest of my life. I'm resigned to it.
I also know how the refill thing works and man it makes it tough when there are 10,000 things going on in life. Do what you can to have 4-5 extras in the house. Emergency back ups that you NEVER fall back on unless there's a refill issue. It's worth having that peace of mind.
