barely holding on - 7

[happy1]

Wait until you have the bank information

This anger is not my friend and is not helping me

You know it. Try your best to be your best.

[T-Mom]

u,
Keep in control of yourself. That is all you can control. I know how hard this game is... I live it, too. You just have your plan(s) in place and focus on them. Change the banking situation, because, at the very least, she is bad with money, right? Start your own account, only in your name and put all the money you earn into that acct, even if you transfer some to a joint acct for her to pay bills with. Maybe you want to take over the bills entirely?

Hang in there.

[u-turn]

I have been quiet here for a while. Partly because of embarrassment of my inaction. Partly because of trying to GAL and not dwell on my situation so much. Partly because of the fist fight over at the man cave and the way that made me feel. Partly because of complete confusion as to what I need to do. Partly because of the time it took to gather information.

But, my finances are a mess, W is still hiding her A and still pretending to be my wife and I am deflated (again).

I think that I have to call her out on everything that I know and am not accepting it for myself. I know I have tried this before and she has seemingly changed but it is fake. I know this to be true. I cannot continue this way.

She is just being nice and keeping me happy and at arm's length so she can continue her double life. I do not want this. This will continue until I stop it.

She wants to play nice, sending me txt messages TGIF, and "looking forward to the weekend". But I know I have to bring this out all in the open again. I am not responding to these texts, because I don't even know how to. I don't know if I should pre-warn her of the conversation that we will need to have.

I really hate this life right now. I know that if I would have detached properly and had been separated from her I may be feeling differently right now, but I am defeated and am really feeling it.

[jim0987]

W is still hiding her A and still pretending to be my wife

She is just being nice and keeping me happy and at arm's length so she can continue her double life.

Hi U-turn, first up no need to be embarrased. I think most of us have a bunch of stuff on our threads that we would rather not read back but by posting maybe someone can help with the confusion.

Speaking of which, and i've got myself a bit confused, but how do you know this ^^^^^? Do you definitely KNOW the affair is still going on?

I ask because from my perspective i think there are a couple of substantially different ways to view your situation

[u-turn]

Thanks Jim
She has admitted to me that the christmas party that she went to overnight was with him (there was no christmas party). Then she claimed it was over.

She has also spent money this month on daytime rendezvouses with him. She is still sending non-work related e-mails and texts also.

She doesn't know much of this that I know this yet.

She still works with him and is not stopping this interaction.

[Ontheup]

Hey u

Really tough situation but sounds like she is having her cake and eating it. From what I've read about affairs and ive read bloody loads this last week her actions are very common. Spouse wants the excitement of the affair and the uphoric feeling they get from it but also want to know that at home they have the plan b. I'm in a similar situation. Wife owns a business with OM so no way will it stop but she also seems happy that I'm sat around here at home. I'm finding it really hard to detach as we're both at home with our daughter and trying not to let her know or upset her so I can't be too aloof. Really I just want out. Then she can do whatever she wants but I won't be here for her to come and have a chat with later

[jim0987]

Thanks for the clarification.

The main thing you need to do is worry about the financials and get them sorted - you dont want to be funding an A but more than that you need to stop the rot so to speak so the hole doesnt get any deeper.

If you havent i'd suggest reading some of theodon's posts from around the place.

[u-turn]

SRD-this cycle will not change unless we change it. It will continue and we will continue playing the fool. Plan B is not good enough.

Detaching has been almost impossible for me with us all at home and W wanting to make a happy place for all of us while keeping her other weekday life.

Thanks for chiming in.

[u-turn]

Thanks jim
I will look for Theodon's posts.
Our financials are such a mess right now. I'm finding disconnect notices from the utility companies, empty accounts.

We've been broke before and recovered. I can do it again.

[LITB]

u-turn,

You are in a difficult spot, and you are operating from a place of fear. You have already made mention of it in this thread, the change begins with you.

What exactly are you afraid of?

It is interesting how we can be so focused on our W's actions, that we fail to see our own enabling behavior. I was guilty of it myself.

Until you stop enabling her, your sitch will continue down this path.