My .02 on a few topics for you to think about. You say that you're not being pushy about the fact that you are standing for themarriage but that you immediately "pressed" when the relationship came up on your phone call last night. YOur husband knows how you feel. If he initiates any R talk than you need to just be quiet, let him drive the conversation and really listen to what he might have to say. You aren't doing yourself any favors by "pressing" him on the subject.
You think he wants to you to get a full time job so he can divorce you, and then you think he wants to divorce you but is on the fence. Lorelai- you are spending far too much energy, time and emotion trying to figure out what he is thinking right now. I know its easy for me to say - but you need to turn that focus inward.
Work on making your life more comfortable. Focus on getting that job that will work for you. Some of your posts seem to radiate a fair amount of stress and anxiety. Believe me I know its tough with two small children in the house. If you need help from your H in this area, state your needs simply and plainly.
You need to listen to those that are telling you its a marathon and form some resolve that you will meet the challenges that life will be throwing at you with calm and dignity.
Focus on you and your children and it will get better.
Thank you Raliced. Yours is one of the situations I've been following and I've definitely been inspired and motivated by your posts. Believe me I am trying as hard as I can to look inward and keep my focus on the little ones but I do tend to lose my focus and start thinking about the M. Full-time jobs in my field are tough to obtain right now, so I admit that's part of my stress. Everyone is going to freelancers and contractors. I have a lot of contacts in my field though and a year ago I was more picky about "which company" I would work for which I think annoyed my H and now I'm way less of a snob about the whole thing and accepting of the fact that a professional job in my field in this economy is a great thing to have regardless of where it's at. A major benefit to this situation with H is it's actually made me more humble and I do honestly think I needed that. But now I'm like OK, lesson learned, God! Let's move on! And yeah, that's just not going to happen right now is it?
Me: 38 H: 43 Kids: 2,4 T10 M6 BD: 1/14 11/14: H moves out
Gosh, I know the feeling of anticipation, anxiety, wondering what he's thinking, doing, what his motives are, etc. as uR would say, "I lettered in that, got the t shirt, too".
I also know the stress of finding a job. I have submitted my resume on no less than 66 jobs. I'm not exaggerating. Needless to say it's rough.
I read into everything H said or did to direct me in my strategy.
Futile.
Learned that the very hard way.
All of this, this journey, this pain, this change, this transition... There are no guarantees. None. But the lessons you learn are up to you. Humility is a good lesson for everyone but when we're done learning, the situation doesn't necessarily change. It just leads to another lesson: Adaptability and acceptance. And that leads to another: strength and resilience. Do you see where I'm going?
This morning H had a proposal: I move out of our house and he moves back in and I take a cheap apartment somewhere nearby which he'll pay for. Is it possible this could help him see how difficult the situation is and how hard it is to have the kids 80 percent of the time (though I don't think I could stay away as much as he does. I mean, he doesn't even call in between the days he's here and he rarely spends a full day with them, usually no more than a few hours.) During this talk I did ask about reconciliation as an alternative we have not explored. He said he's much happier not being around me and that his blood pressure has gone down! He said, "I don't want to be on blood pressure medication just because of my marriage!" But isn't it possible, H, (I didn't say this but wanted to) that your blood pressure has gone down b/c you're not a full-time parent of two small children anymore? I'm not trying to sound sarcastic. What should I do? My DB plan at this point is to completely detach. Being around and talking to H makes me absolutely crazy. It's hard to completely detach though because we have the children. I love my babies dearly but if H and I didn't have kids together I would not want this stranger of a man he's become anywhere NEAR me!
Me: 38 H: 43 Kids: 2,4 T10 M6 BD: 1/14 11/14: H moves out
Let me make sure I understand this - your husband is proposing you move into a small apartment while you have the kids 80% of the time while he moves into the house?
What is the situation with the house. Was it his before you married?
We bought the house together. He wants me to move out and he'll be more of a full-time dad, while I visit the kids. He's very serious about that. A part of it makes me wonder though— I feel like if I actually did this, H wouldn't last a week. Plus I would be at the house all the time because I couldn't stand being away from the children as much as he is. Right now, he's got a pretty cushy set-up at his mom's—I called the other day to ask about a schedule change because of an appointment that came up that I couldn't take the kids to—and she said he couldn't come to the phone because he had a terrible cold and was sleeping. Meanwhile the kids were climbing all over me and I had been up all night with my almost 2-year-old and I'm thinking, geesh, wish I could sleep all nice and cozy during the day while my mom takes care of me! His mom is doing a lot to shield him from the reality and consequences of this split.
Me: 38 H: 43 Kids: 2,4 T10 M6 BD: 1/14 11/14: H moves out
Lorelei, yeah, don't move out. You're not limiting him from being an involved father. My WAH pulled that on me recently. I'm not buying it.
Plus, as a 43 year old man, it must be nice to be cared for by mommy and be shielded from reality.
When he grows up a little, maybe he'll realize the consequences of his actions and take control of his life. Until then, keep your side of the street clean.
Come up with a strict schedule that, outside of death, doesn't get altered. Flexibility can come but if it starts off too flexible, it's hard to wrangle it back in.
Every time I try to encourage him to be more active with the kids, he gets mean and says this is just another example of how I can't handle any kind of pressure. Ever since our S in fact, anytime I've shown the slightest sadness he's said the reason I can't embrace a D and move on like everyone else is because I can't handle change and I don't know how to deal with adversity. I guess it's true. I am sickened beyond belief to say that I still want this man, even though his personality change in the last year has eroded my self-esteem to zero. This morning he told me I'm a manipulative, nasty person who only wants her way and when I started crying he said "Oh boo-hoo!" Who is this guy? I never would have married someone who bullys me like this! Maybe he's right though. There's a part of me that wants to call his bluff and move out and have him come back into the house and see what running a household alone is like, so yeah, I guess thoughts like that do make me manipulative. I'm not going to do anything until I talk to a L first and at this point, it looks like I have to. This marriage is completely unsalvageable—the old marriage, the possibility of a new marriage is not gonna happen and I know I have to accept that and move on. A L is more than likely to stay put, then I need to get back to work FT and file (he won't file, but he definitely wants a D). The whole thing just makes me sick to my stomach.
Last edited by Lorelai; 01/23/1507:37 PM.
Me: 38 H: 43 Kids: 2,4 T10 M6 BD: 1/14 11/14: H moves out
My WAH told me the only reason I didn't want a divorce is because I don't like change. He has blamed me for every single negative in his life: his career not being where he has always dreamed it would be, his weight gain and inability to lose the weight, his depression, his lack of involvement in D7's life. He blames me for him not making as much money as he wants... Basically I'm at a fault for everything in his life.
Now that he has moved out he's miserable (he hasn't told me this but D says he never smiles anymore, I've noticed he has gained more weight, hasn't worked in a year, drinks quite a bit and has suddenly started smoking a pipe, yes, a pipe).
His requirement that you move out is his attempt at controlling you and getting you out of his way. You matter. Breathe that in. Seriously, find your value and worth so he can no longer have the power to erode your self esteem in ANY way. Start by calling a L and standing firm in your home.
Calling his bluff by moving out will backfire. Do what you can to not be home when he is... Or at least be in a different room doing something else. Cut your talks down to pleasantries only and give him no opportunity to verbally attack you. Say, "I won't stand to be spoken to in that way." And walk away. Show your children, and yourself, what is appropriate treatment of a human with whom you disagree.
He's in a thick cloud of blame and he's angry, that's clear but you are under NO obligation to take responsibility for his feelings. Give them back to him. You take your own feelings and work throught them, privately. Give him his own back. Don't let them stick when he hurls them at you.
