The Hen House

[TSquared2]

Part of the problem, imo, is that unless you are in farming, ranching or a family business, etc., boys get too little time experiencing their Dads as men.

My own case: My Dad through my growing up worked 10-12 hours a day, came home, we ate dinner as a family, then he would go into his den and do more work, or study his Air War College material, etc. I had little interaction with him.

My Grandfather tried to fill in that gap, and was actually more the mentoring father I wished I had in my father.

A couple quotes from the book "Fight Club" really struck deep within me:

"What you see at fight club is a generation of men raised by women."

"My father never went to college so it was really important I go to college. After college, I called him long distance and said, now what?

My dad didn't know, so he said get a job.

When I got a job and turned twenty-five, long distance, I said, now what?

My dad didn't know, so he said, get married.

I'm a thirty-year-old boy, and I'm wondering if another woman is really the answer I need."

Too many men fail to be "Men" role-models for boys.

Look at education...where boys spend most of their days:

The numbers aren’t too rosy when it comes to education either. In the last 30 years the percentage of male teachers in elementary schools has fallen slightly, from 17% to 14-9% (depending on the source). The number is even lower for pre-k and kindergarten teachers; only 2% are male. While more male teachers can be found in secondary schools, there has been a decline there as well, from 50% in 1980 to around 40% today. With boys falling behind girls in academic performance, some education experts are actively trying to recruit men into the profession.

I cannot remember having ANY male teachers until middle school.

So most of our young modelling is directed by women. Most kids want to please their elders, so boys learn what it takes to please their mothers, female teachers, etc. (sit still, don't be so loud, yadda yadda).

Imo, boys need men actively mentoring in their lives, whether their fathers, male relatives, coaches, etc. Women can teach boys what women want in men, how to be a good man (from a woman's POV), but they can't teach or model for them to be "men", imo.

In my own M, there is a big difference between my oldest son, who grew up when both mom and Dad were working (I worked days mostly, she worked nights, and the oldest and I spent tons of time just the two of us), and the two younger sons, after I made enough so she could be a SAHM (which was both of our goals). To be fair, my stbxw was very possessive of the kids, one of her issues, that most women wouldn't be.

One of the upsides of stbxw's MLC is that now, I have full physical custody, and finally get to be fully the kind of father I should have been, and wanted to be. They see how Dad does things, how Dad really is a parent and role model. Dad doing what men do. After the last 3-5 years, they "get" why I am teaching them everything about self-sufficiency, so they will never be dependent on a partner for taking care of themselves.

The difference since she moved out is just amazing. Everywhere this is seen, and validated, from neighbors to the dentist office staff, even stbxw has validated me, and apologized for being so possessive and controlling over child raising.

Another quote from an "art of manliness" website that strikes home:

Some people say that it’s “sad” that men need to learn how to be men from a website. Such criticism seems to be born of an assumption that boys pop out of the womb with an innate sense of everything there is to know about being a man. Of course that’s not the case—we learn how to be a man from the mentors in our lives. And for many men, those men simply weren’t around growing up. Or even if they were–and in what is yet another reason I am optimistic about the future-they still desire to improve themselves, to learn as much as they can and utilize their potential to the utmost. Yes, ideally you should learn manliness from your father and other mentors, and the art of manliness should be passed down from generation to generation. But where there’s a link missing in that chain, we’re happy to stand in the gap–imparting information that you can pass down to your kids, a generation that will hopefully be raised by women and men.

Point is, many of us men don't/didn't even recognize we are/were being emasculated...we have too few examples and mirrors to compare to. We know something was/is wrong, but we cannot identify it, so it sets poorly, nagging in the back of the mind.

The post is rambling... it's Friday, I'm okay with that.