I think what a lot of us newcomers can't wrap our heads around is how the WAS went so cold. You say communication can't help.
I believe I said that you will not be able to talk yourself out of this situation. Talking will not work to fix things now. Believe me, I know how hard that is, b/c that was the only way I knew how to work out problems. The LBS has to learn to "communicate" in a different way. He/she communicates through actions. (Detaching, GAL, not initiating contact, etc.) The WAS won't listen, b/c they have the strong attitude of "it's too little, too late". You cannot make them believe anything will change for the better....and stay that way. However, most of them can see (even if you don't think they are watching). Your actions give loud & clear messages. Having R talks will do no good until the couple is is in Piecing the M back together, in which the WAS has to been 100 % on board in working to save the M. You cannot get them on board by running your mouth, texting, emailing, etc. They aren't interested in your words.
The reason for the coldness, is two-fold, IMHO. First, the WAS has had it with the M. They are completely done! They are no longer interested is having you for their love interest, and they (WAS) have had an inner transformation. That is why I often tell the LBS that this is not the person you married! Second, the WAS wants the LBS to get the message quickly. They do not want to give any impression there is any hope left, or that they will change their mind, or that anything the LBS tries will work. They act cold b/c they feel cold towards the LBS. Some are worse than others.
In many cases, if the WAS believes the LBS is going to cooperate with whatever the WAS may want at the time (S, D, have an A, etc.) then they may suddenly change to being friendlier. This causes great confusion in the LBS. However, it does not mean the WAS has had a change of heart. They just want you to give them whatever they want and not give them a hard time about it. If the two of you can part and keep it friendly, they think it's great.
That may sound pretty cynical, but it's the general idea in a nutshell.
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Can you tell us more about where your turning points were when you decided you still had hope for your M?
Well, I tell people I am not the typical newcomer case who shows up on the doorsteps of the DB board. Not very many WAS's come to the board during the time they are having an A. It would take too long to explain my story and everything that happened to lead me here. But one night I disparately wanted to reach out to someone and ask them to just talk to me. I went to a site that called themselves Christian-based, and must have chosen a bad time, b/c all I got was a bunch of clowns. I just stumbled around and "accidentally" found my way here. I was so blessed to have had some of the very best people the board had to help me. They talked to me straight and hard (which was exactly what I wanted them to do). I was in bad shape and didn't want any cotton-candy therapy.
I would say that was my biggest turning point, but not the hardest. The hardest was putting into action the information I had been given. Ending the A was a biggie! Needless to say, end things with OM was another turning point. The withdrawals from it was really tough, and I thought it would never end. Staying with my LBH........well, I thought I might die. You see, he was not the one getting help and he did not have the tools you are getting. DBing is geared more to help the LBS, b/c they are usually the ones seeking the help. My H would not agree to go with me to any counseling, guidance from our Pastor, or anything. He wanted me to do the work. So, I really had to rely upon those here to help me. They were my counselors. They gave me guidance. In the meantime, I saw very, very little from him. He was going through his own transition in his life, which I didn't have enough sense to realize, until later. But in spite of everything, we're still together.
I would come here every single day for my therapy. Some say I helped them, as well. I could see how so many people how had no clue to the WAW's mindset. Anyway, I have camped out here to hopefully pay forward the help that was given me. I may not have been typical, in the sense I was a WAS seeking help, but my mindset was very typical. There is usually some variation in everyone's stitch, but it is just weird how the thinking and behavior of the WAS are alike. It's like a disease that shows similar symptoms in the patients.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
