Hi edz. Thanks for checking in on me -youre a good man.
The honest answer is I don't know.
Strangely my hopes about reconciliation are on the up even though I know thats delusional so trying to quash that a bit. I do still want to give her that letter though. Hmmmmm.....
Took today (and tomorrow) off work, didn't really want to face it and I need to get my house straight as its been neglected more than usual for the last few months. the move also really trashed the place.
That and I spent about 3hrs on the phone to utility companies sorting that stuff out.
Tomorrow will be harder I expect as I have to do some actual sorting of things as well as take down all the photos of my wife from around the house.
So all fairly mundane but each step is part of the journey.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
No worries, nothing wrong with feeling hope just temper your expectations or channel them.
The letter, hmmm I bow to wiser minds there...
Think a few days off is a good plan, I've only just finished (mostly - sorting utilities but had two lots to do as w did nothing for the old place switch, she's just being contacted now to pick them up after I closed them out and zeroed them.... Which is why I'm broke of course)
Remember pack away those things that drain your PMA or hurt, dont do away with everything and keep things safe. Then speak to the kids on design and get interior designing
Keep posting matey
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
That sounds like a really good idea to have a couple of days off and get the house sorted. It helped me a lot to establish my own space, get it looking all nice and homey, set up as I want it, no-one elses view to take into account etc.
It may be too soon for you to feel that way, but it will be good to at least recover from the 'move' so that you're not always looking at gaps where x used to be etc.
Glad you have been feeling a bit more optimistic - but best to maintain no expectations. At the very least, if things move positively, that will take a while. I read your letter and was very touched. I thought it was a reflective and generous letter, and it made me feel wistful and teary.
However, I would put aside the temptation to send it for now. Maybe say to yourself, I'll sit on that until the end of the month and review things at that point. Given that you have just S, it may not be a good time to send it.
I too have been sorting things out and it has been a bit painful - wedding outfit etc. It has helped me to have an 'unsure' case for anything painful and H related. Anything like that......in the case.....and I'll make a decision about that stuff at some point in the future.
Good luck with your sorting! Toots x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I responded to your post in the Hen House just so you know. Hope it helps. I agree that media representations are also problematic - on both sides.
Turning your place into your own home is quite cathartic in a way. Right now I'm sitting on my balcony, listening to jazz amongst my newly created "garden." I have dreams of one day sharing a glass of wine with a special guy here (hopefully H) as we debrief our day, but until that time comes I am enjoying it all to myself. Well, with you, too, I guess. Anyway, my point is, seize the opportunity to create a place that you like, where you can retreat to to heal when you need to.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
So just taking a break from sorting. Most of the photos of my wife are now down and my clothes have spread out significantly in the wardrobe
In some ways it might have been easier in a new house as it wouldn't have the associations. Fundamentally the house is always going to be the house my wife left from and I'm still gutted by that.
A few boxes of things going safely in the loft so I have them but I won't see them. One day they might come back out......
Ganb8te, I saw your reply. Thanks. I was surprised by your take on the subservience - I didn't read that at all but I guess thats my male perspective. I can see that it gives men a few too many 'excuses' though. The first two pages of the book were a but of a shock because it describes exactly my wife's no.1 complaint.
To be honest I feel like I've done a lot more of the same since BD, and wonder if I should have done it differently but the advice is withdraw and GAL so thats what I did. (Definitely should have been less hysterical on the day though).
Will read HTIYMWTAI soon though. Its been in my pile I've just not picked it up - something about the how to fix things when both still committed upsets me as I see how easily this could have been avoided (and now fixed)
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
sounds like a good start, be careful to remember that advice even in book advice has to be adapted to the person in question, also you cannot change anything earlier than today - I say this as, like me, you're want to dwell on couldhavewouldhavemighthaves and, mate, its the ultimate cheeseless tunnel
As to it being the house w left from, change it, paint it redecorate, turn it into what you want it to be when you open the door. This could be the place I fled to but its not I have some pics of w (theres a small one here on my desk but its was a magnificent day in italy on a boat and that memory makes me smile) as many as I have of s and canvases of pics I took of places we lived or went - those were bought for me by w as presents but I kept them and they are up.
Over time - when money is not so much non existant - there will be more canvases of s and other things that are happening now. You will be the same, go on, get going with the decoration and furnishing Jims place.
Ultimately we can be as happy as we let ourselves be, easy to say, hard to do but true
Last edited by edz; 01/23/1512:40 PM.
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
Well, that was just my experience with Mars/Venus. Let's see what other ladies say. If you google it you'll see a lot of over the top feminist blogs on it. I don't put myself in that category BTW, but as a highly educated female (PhD) who considers myself equal to her male counterparts there were a few things that irked me. It was written a few decades ago, wasn't it? So maybe it needs a refresh. Read to me like it was pitched at my mum, not me.
Yes, I'm sure it woud be more difficult to stay in the same house. I think though that as time passes and you make it your own, you will find it to be ok. I keep forgetting that your BD was months after mine and Edz. I've been lumping you in the 6 month clan. I think you are doing really well considering.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
I see an alternate take on that (been googling) was ...those of you drinking put it down.....ready?
"Musterbation" (Albert Ellis)
Meaning you have an obligation to others to do something other than what you are doing. An interesting idea.
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
It was written a while back so things have changed by biologically we don't change that fast and we learn from role models, who were as it was. I like the alternate perspective on it though - to be honest I focused on the what I could learn not what women could do differently. For example Whilst I identify with the cave and the dragon I don't think that it's right, my bad mood shouldn't mean its OK to lash out at people who just want check I'm alright (unfortunately what I did). If I need space I can say exactly that and be grown up about it.
Its about 4 1/2 months now so I guess I can get a vest?
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
