I haven't been around. Partially because I've been thinking. Partially because things were getting better with H. He had been reaching out more, initiating conversations. We had a couple of heart to hearts which resulted in us agreeing to go back to therapy to learn how to communicate with one another, him admitting he was severely depressed but actively working on it, having several break throughs in therapy, and lately he committed to "let's try and figure this out." Oh, and he told me that he thought we had a pretty decent shot at working out should he be able to, "get his head on straight." We both and notice behavior changes in each other and new as commenting on it, etc. sounds promising right?
Yeah. Then today happened.
I'm in a huge, important meeting at work - when a friend (not a close friend) but a friend none the less texts me and says that my H has a profile on Tinder. I immediately want to throw up. She sends me a screen shot of the profile. Yep. It's him. Active the day after his declaration of, "let's try and figure things out." No chance of being a fake profile, has things in there only he would know. I get out of work, call H and calmly ask him if he has been online dating. He expressed shock, "no I wouldn't do that, I don't want anyone in my life except you, I'm working on my marriage, blah blah blah." I tell him what I find out. Ask for honesty. He' still denies. This pisses him off because he wouldn't so anything like that. Keeps on going about how he wouldn't do that, and thine later on as I listen to him ramble, it changed to "I'm was in a really dark place for awhile, I don't know what I could have done in the middle of my depression." Long story short, he comes over to the house, still denying he was on there. I ask to check his phone. He willingly hands it over.
Of course the app is deleted. But then he went too far, he had deleted all his text messages. I asked why. "Oh, I didn't want you to see what my mom has been saying. You know how she gets." Right. Then I show him the screen shot on my phone. He finally fesses up. Doesn't have a reason why he was on there. Claims he didn't rate any girls, doesn't know why he was on there, it was stupid. Blah blah blah. Then I get into his facebook. Check the messenger I see a name I don't recognize. I ask who is x? And he immediately freaks out and starts going for his phone. I fend him off and read the messages. He said it was nice to meet her. Here is his phone number in case she wants to chat, he's ends her a voice message. She sends one back. (Both are BS. Nothing flirty, but still messages). He sends a message that he could, "listen to that voice all day." She responds with a smiley face. He sends her pictures of his view on Christmas Eve. The same day where he's telling me everything is confusing and how he's sorry for how things are, he's trying to engage in conversation with this woman. She doesn't really engage back, aside from a smiley face and what not. Their last conversation was New Year's Eve. I ask how he met her, she was the bartender at his company party. They started talking and somehow got on the subject of being married and how they both were having marriage problems and how he just wanted someone to talk to that was going through the same thing.
Right.
So now that he's been caught, he's changed his tune to, "I want to want to be married but I can't do the work. I thought if we talked and went to a therapist it would get better and we could work it out." And some more stuff about how unhappy he was, and how he's depressed and he's ok with walking away because he doesn't want to hurt me and blah blah. And then later it changed to, "it's obvious I'm [censored] up in the head, I've got a lot of growing up to do, but I do want to go to counseling, I do want to see if this can work out, I do think if I can get my [censored] together we can work out. Claims he felt said he didn't want to work on it because he felt cornered. Said he lied about the tender thing because he was scared to be honest with me.
Now he's all, "let's talk tomorrow, I do want this to work out". Multiple apologies for "doing stupid things". Has deleted the app of his phone and unfriended the girl on Facebook without prompting.
Honestly? I can't even. The whole thing toes the line really closely for a deal breaker for me which is any kind of affair, emotional or physical. I am humiliated that while he was engaging me in R talks and "trying to work things out" he was on a stupid dating site. I'm humiliated that my friend saw and brought it to my attention. I feel betrayed. I don't know how I can trust anything he says. I don't know if I could. I feel stupid, because I thought we were getting better. I thought we were making small steps and we might make some progress. I feel like I've been played.
I wish I had never known. And now I do, and my whole world is upside down. Again.
My M is most likely over. And I feel like I have egg all over my face.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
